The funeral

Today was the most horrible of all. The funeral. We got to the funeral home and Bailee and Adam were already inside. The director held us at bay so they would get alone time with the baby. Bailee was reading to the baby. She read One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish to him. She felt the need to make up for the opportunity that she will miss. The thought of her going through this was so terribly painful.

The director allowed us in but I couldn't see the baby, I needed to remember him as he was - soft, warm, and wonderful in my arms. I couldn't do this thing. Everyone went in and I stayed behind. I was fidgety. The funeral director talked to me, he said he does look ok. So I asked him what his experience was. Do people regret not viewing the dead? He said usually you don't regret it now but you have to remember that a month from now you cannot go back. It's now or never. At that exact moment, Bailee came out by me. Just the sight of her made me need to go in. I needed to feel what she felt, to be there for her. So I went.

He was beautiful. A perfect little angel with his thick, dark head of hair, looking like he was sleeping. The pain was unbearable. We stroked him and studied him and prayed for this to be untrue. We stayed with him until it was time to close the coffin.

As the visitors came, the comfort came. So many people for such a little person. His short life surely made an impact. So much emotional pain and sorrow was felt by so many. The outpouring of love and support was so immense, even though it warmed my heart, it made this process almost more painful. How will we ever get through this day?

The luncheon went well although there was concern regarding the food. I expected 40 people and there were 110. The OCCC staff was amazing. They took away all worries and made it happen. It was good and under the circumstances, it was nice to visit with everyone.

As the lunch was winding down, it was time to think about BJ heading out. He took his friends over to Buffalo Wild Wings before his flight was to leave which was in about 2 hours. Bailee, Adam, Sandy, David, Jeff, and I headed over there after we cleared out the Community Center. The love and support from BJ's friends was overwhelming. We sat in the bar and had a few beers and reminisced. Mark took lots of photos of the group. BJ got on the phone and changed his flight. He is staying until Monday. He felt the need to be here.

We actually loosened up a little, it felt like something normal. David, Sandy, Bailee, and Adam were heading to Sandy's sister's house for a visit and BJ and his friends were heading out as well. We could choose to go with any of them but I really wanted to go home. The emotional toll wore me down to exhaustion. By 8pm I will be in bed. I need to dream of something else. Something better.