Planning a funeral

Today I slept as long as I possibly could. Sleeping takes it all away. I know I must return to reality but I will try to stave it off as long as possible. This is the day of funeral arrangements. I don't know how to get through this. I can't stop the tears. I am thinking of all of PJ's words. He says Stephen is where he has been all along, in God's hands. It is comforting yet I would prefer Stephen was in my hands.

This is all up to Bailee. Her pain is the greatest. Her needs matter most. She said she wanted to bury the baby someplace close so Adam could visit all the time. I was really hoping she would change her mind. I was all for cremation. I was being selfish. I thought that if he was cremated we could keep him with us. Take him with us. And even though I never said it, PJ did. And Bailee listened and liked the idea of keeping him with her. I was glad he planted that seed.

I know this is difficult for her, the best advice PJ gave her was "to do what is right for you". But sometimes she would look to me. I want to protect her. I also want what seems best for her but I don't know either. Adam's family has almost no input so even though they aren't interfering with Bailee's wishes, it's hard not to have any help. So I will do my best to get her through.

The funeral director was friendly, helpful, but a little harsh. It's the reality of what he does and so far he's done everything Bailee asked. We will have time alone, time with family, a prayer service, and lunch. I hate this and I don't know if I can do this. It took 2 and a half hours to make all the arrangements.

Since we were halfway to downtown Jeff took me to work to pick up my car. I was so hoping I wouldn't run into anyone and luckily I did not. I got my car and met Jeff at the flower shop. We ordered our beloved grandson arrangement. This just sucks. I need to do something normal. I stop at the car wash and go home and make a real dinner.

Nick stopped by. I was so surprised and so happy to see him and so sad it was under these circumstances. He loves us like family and we think of him as family. BJ called right after Nick left. He will be here tomorrow night at midnight. I am amazed at my family.

I need to get back to sleep where I can dream of something else. Of life with a baby grandson.