Wednesday, January 21

I am heartbroken

Today the most horrific thing of all things has happened. I got the call at 9:30. Jeff was coming to get me. The baby is dead. How can this be? What am I supposed to do now? I am devastated. I am heartbroken. I don't know how to continue. I take comfort in the kindness from Michelle, Sandy, and Kim.

Bailee is beside herself with grief. My pain is doubled. The baby is gone and now my daughter is suffering through something no mother should have to bear. I don't know what to do next. I don't know how to continue.

We head to my mother's. We have to tell her. She now lost two Stephens. Everyone is there. Kelly and Greg and mom. I want to shield my daughter from the pain but I cannot. I cannot protect my child from this horrible thing.

We go to church where PJ offers comfort but the pain does not ebb. PJ offers more support than I imagined. He had suggestions and gives us things to think about for tomorrow. We have to plan a funeral tomorrow. How can we get through this?

Bailee is here at home with us. Adam went to see his father. Sharon came by and cried with us. She mentioned that even though we don't always like some of the things that happen at work, this was a reminder of how many people cared. She was unindated with people who were shaken by the news all day at work today and she reminded me of their thoughtfulness. At the moment it doesn't matter, I am too absorbed in my own pain to feel grateful.

Everything has become nothing. All there is left is pain and sorrow. I have to sleep to avoid the unavoidable.

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