We cleaned the house and decided to venture out and face public situations. We didn't know how this would go but we had to do it. I really needed cat food so I couldn't back out. We went to Petco then went over to Office Depot. I needed more photo paper, I had run out printing the baby's pictures. The paper was on sale, buy 100 sheets and get 100 free. As I stood in line, I started to feel the pain coming, all I could think of was that I would never be able to fill those sheets of paper with Stephen's photos, there weren't going to be enough of them. The sadness is so overwhelming but I find deep breathing really helps.
The kids came to open up the cards that keep coming. So we counted up the cash and discussed where the donations need to be sent. I suggested that we wait since cards keep coming in. Adam wants to pay the funeral bill today. The funeral home hasn't processed the bill yet so he has to wait. I think everyone is getting antsy. They stayed at their house last night without incident. This was a good thing. If there can be a good thing.
Over the last few days we have been looking for support groups, answers, things to help us through. There is not much available. And it seems so complicated anyway. No one is thinking straight.
I decided to try and get my shit together and actually cook a dinner. I made lasagne. Through the long process of cooking, I discovered that keeping busy was really helpful. So I made creme brulee as well. And the ritual of sitting down to a nice dinner in my kitchen was calming.
Jeff is concerned since I cannot sleep without sleep aids. He needs to cut me some slack. I need the sleep, it's the only time I can feel no pain.
Over the last few days we have been looking for support groups, answers, things to help us through. There is not much available. And it seems so complicated anyway. No one is thinking straight.
I decided to try and get my shit together and actually cook a dinner. I made lasagne. Through the long process of cooking, I discovered that keeping busy was really helpful. So I made creme brulee as well. And the ritual of sitting down to a nice dinner in my kitchen was calming.
Jeff is concerned since I cannot sleep without sleep aids. He needs to cut me some slack. I need the sleep, it's the only time I can feel no pain.
The kids are coming to get the cats today. It's time for them to go home. They have a plan where Adam's brother Alec will come stay with them if it gets too hard to be in the house alone. The devastating reminders of that day haunt them. I'm glad to know they are trying to move forward. They stopped to see their co-workers today which was very difficult for them. They both work for the same company which is owned by Adam's step-dad so it gets very personal. Work is their extended family and it's a hard visit.
Here at home, we have our own difficulties. Jeff sobs in his sleep. He gets up and the sight of the baby's little horsey toy makes him cry. It's all we have left to hold on to. We realize that this is the first time since this happened that we can wholly feel our own pain. We spent so much time concentrating on helping the kids that we really didn't have the opportunity to feel our own sorrow.
I have a car full of baby things and I cannot face the day. I need to contact work, I need to find a place to put the baby things. All my strength only gets me to the computer to e-mail work. That's all I thinking I can do today. The pain in my heart has become physical. Every bone in my body aches. But Bailee calls and says she will stop by to get some of her things so I mustered up the energy to move the baby's things into storage.
Bailee did stop by and she wanted me to go to Target with her. I told her I was going to Olive Garden for soup and salad and she decided to come along. The lunch was nice but the trip to Target, not so nice. Everything in the store was a reminder of all the things we would buy for baby. We both walked out mentioning that it would be a long time before we could go back again.
The cards keep coming.
Here at home, we have our own difficulties. Jeff sobs in his sleep. He gets up and the sight of the baby's little horsey toy makes him cry. It's all we have left to hold on to. We realize that this is the first time since this happened that we can wholly feel our own pain. We spent so much time concentrating on helping the kids that we really didn't have the opportunity to feel our own sorrow.
I have a car full of baby things and I cannot face the day. I need to contact work, I need to find a place to put the baby things. All my strength only gets me to the computer to e-mail work. That's all I thinking I can do today. The pain in my heart has become physical. Every bone in my body aches. But Bailee calls and says she will stop by to get some of her things so I mustered up the energy to move the baby's things into storage.
Bailee did stop by and she wanted me to go to Target with her. I told her I was going to Olive Garden for soup and salad and she decided to come along. The lunch was nice but the trip to Target, not so nice. Everything in the store was a reminder of all the things we would buy for baby. We both walked out mentioning that it would be a long time before we could go back again.
The cards keep coming.
The cats joyfully greeted us in the morning. After they hid away together for the last day or two, it was nice that they decided to trust us. Although they still haven't eaten much. I gave them treats which they ate, but they weren't really interested in their dish of food which makes me worry.
The cards keep coming. We started to open them and began the process of writing thank yous on Sunday. It was very difficult and time consuming so it was just a start. The amazing outpouring of love and concern is overwhelming. Funny how all the notes and cards are meant to help comfort yet every one we read makes us cry. We are blessed to have so many wonderful people in our lives. It is really sad that it takes something this terrible to make us aware of how truly lucky we are.
I washed the sheets. Before I did, I took a photo of them, stains and all. I don't know why I am obsessed with recording every part of this nightmare. I even took pictures of all the flowers before they start to fade.
We went to Wal-Mart to get more bins, stopped at Blockbuster to rent some movies, and went back home. There is no ambition to do anything. So we laid around and watched movies all afternoon. Bailee called saying she was heading back to the house. They decided they wanted to move their bed into the baby's room. They still could't face sleeping in the place where the baby died. The call got us up and moving. We headed over to the house where I finished packing up the baby's things. Jeff and Adam moved the bed into the now emptied nursery and Bailee put on the new sheets. I gave her the bag of sheets that I washed and told her to throw them in the back of her closet.
Bailee and I packed the bins into my truck. She wanted the stuff out of the house and I wanted to protect it and keep it safe for when she is ready to look at it. Jeff and Adam took all the recycling and garbage out and Sandy finished cleaning the bathroom. We left them around 7. They were all going to Adam's aunt's house to spend the night.
It is hard to believe that a week has gone by since our sweet baby left us. And nothing gets any easier.
The cards keep coming. We started to open them and began the process of writing thank yous on Sunday. It was very difficult and time consuming so it was just a start. The amazing outpouring of love and concern is overwhelming. Funny how all the notes and cards are meant to help comfort yet every one we read makes us cry. We are blessed to have so many wonderful people in our lives. It is really sad that it takes something this terrible to make us aware of how truly lucky we are.
I washed the sheets. Before I did, I took a photo of them, stains and all. I don't know why I am obsessed with recording every part of this nightmare. I even took pictures of all the flowers before they start to fade.
We went to Wal-Mart to get more bins, stopped at Blockbuster to rent some movies, and went back home. There is no ambition to do anything. So we laid around and watched movies all afternoon. Bailee called saying she was heading back to the house. They decided they wanted to move their bed into the baby's room. They still could't face sleeping in the place where the baby died. The call got us up and moving. We headed over to the house where I finished packing up the baby's things. Jeff and Adam moved the bed into the now emptied nursery and Bailee put on the new sheets. I gave her the bag of sheets that I washed and told her to throw them in the back of her closet.
Bailee and I packed the bins into my truck. She wanted the stuff out of the house and I wanted to protect it and keep it safe for when she is ready to look at it. Jeff and Adam took all the recycling and garbage out and Sandy finished cleaning the bathroom. We left them around 7. They were all going to Adam's aunt's house to spend the night.
It is hard to believe that a week has gone by since our sweet baby left us. And nothing gets any easier.
Bailee and Adam wanted to put away the baby's things. Looking at them was too painful for them. I told her I would go with her to buy some rubbermaid bins to protect his belongings. She said she would call when she was ready to go.
The day wore on painfully. I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't get dressed. Bailee is not one for getting up early. I wish she was because that would be my only motivation to get moving. But since I have none I just lay around in the dark. Looking at funeral flowers around the house just makes things worse.
When Bailee finally called she had already bought some bins so we were going to meet her at her house. So we went over there to try and help them clean their house. By the time we got there Sandy had already been cleaning. Jeff picked up all the garbage. I helped Bailee pack up baby things. Adam and Jeff took apart the crib and changing table. After we finished filling the bins, there was still a lot of things to put away. I told them I would get more bins in the morning.
The bed sheets had to be dealt with. Since the baby died in their bed, they could barely stand to go into the room. I stripped the sheets and wiped and traces of the blood and mucous left behind on the mattress. She told me to throw the sheets away but I decided to take them home to wash them and tuck them away just in case. In case of what I have no idea.
Late in the evening, we took the kids over to Celito Lindo for some dinner. We had a few drinks and fed them then went home. They decided to stay over at Adam's dad's place. The dogs were there and they wanted to spend some time with them. They got through a tough hurdle, spending time at the house. They aren't ready to sleep there but this was a good step forward.
The day wore on painfully. I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't get dressed. Bailee is not one for getting up early. I wish she was because that would be my only motivation to get moving. But since I have none I just lay around in the dark. Looking at funeral flowers around the house just makes things worse.
When Bailee finally called she had already bought some bins so we were going to meet her at her house. So we went over there to try and help them clean their house. By the time we got there Sandy had already been cleaning. Jeff picked up all the garbage. I helped Bailee pack up baby things. Adam and Jeff took apart the crib and changing table. After we finished filling the bins, there was still a lot of things to put away. I told them I would get more bins in the morning.
The bed sheets had to be dealt with. Since the baby died in their bed, they could barely stand to go into the room. I stripped the sheets and wiped and traces of the blood and mucous left behind on the mattress. She told me to throw the sheets away but I decided to take them home to wash them and tuck them away just in case. In case of what I have no idea.
Late in the evening, we took the kids over to Celito Lindo for some dinner. We had a few drinks and fed them then went home. They decided to stay over at Adam's dad's place. The dogs were there and they wanted to spend some time with them. They got through a tough hurdle, spending time at the house. They aren't ready to sleep there but this was a good step forward.
I got up at 5, just couldn't sleep. Everyone was coming home for breakfast today so I wrote a grocery list for Jeff and made a loaf of bread. After all, with breakfast at 10, I have 5 hours to get it done. As the morning progressed, all the kids were here and my brother's family came too. It was nice to busy ourselves with all the activities of Mike's kids. Aubrey and Seth were pretty active and baby Sedona was quiet. She is too young to notice all the activity surrounding her. BJ, Lauren, Mike, and Adam played Wii games. Jeff was cooking so there was activity everywhere. It was a nice distraction. Bailee and Carmen and I relaxed at the kitchen table.
We had eggs, bacon, hash browns, fresh fruit, homemade toast, juice and coffee. Jeff got some really good bakery at Sendik's so that was also served. Everything was eaten in no time. Mike and Carmen packed up the kids to head back to Menomonie. Bailee admitted she was having a tough time looking at baby Sedona so it was the right time for them to head out.
It got a lot quieter in the house and there was an extra sadness handing in the air. BJ's departure time was coming close. We had to get him to the airport at 4. Bailee and Adam left to go visit some of Adam's relatives and the rest of us just laid around. The kids just can't bear to go home yet, so Adam's brother has been taking care of their two dogs and we got the cats. All the cats seem so traumatized, and hopefully we can calm them. Toby doesn't seem to mind them in his space, I think they all have a sense that something is not right. The kids said they would be back tonight.
We said good-bye to Lauren and got BJ to the airport then headed back home. It felt dreadful knowing we had nothing left to distract us, there was nothing left except our pain. We looked forward to the kids coming back and when they did we ordered some pizzas. It wasn't long after that I said good night. After all, I got up at 5. I can't imagine how things could ever get better. Not ever.
We had eggs, bacon, hash browns, fresh fruit, homemade toast, juice and coffee. Jeff got some really good bakery at Sendik's so that was also served. Everything was eaten in no time. Mike and Carmen packed up the kids to head back to Menomonie. Bailee admitted she was having a tough time looking at baby Sedona so it was the right time for them to head out.
It got a lot quieter in the house and there was an extra sadness handing in the air. BJ's departure time was coming close. We had to get him to the airport at 4. Bailee and Adam left to go visit some of Adam's relatives and the rest of us just laid around. The kids just can't bear to go home yet, so Adam's brother has been taking care of their two dogs and we got the cats. All the cats seem so traumatized, and hopefully we can calm them. Toby doesn't seem to mind them in his space, I think they all have a sense that something is not right. The kids said they would be back tonight.
We said good-bye to Lauren and got BJ to the airport then headed back home. It felt dreadful knowing we had nothing left to distract us, there was nothing left except our pain. We looked forward to the kids coming back and when they did we ordered some pizzas. It wasn't long after that I said good night. After all, I got up at 5. I can't imagine how things could ever get better. Not ever.
We called the funeral home first thing. I figured the best thing we could do is get things rolling. The flowers, thank you cards, and his belongings were delivered here at the house. Jeff called Bailee and told her everything was here if she wanted to come open her cards. I told her we were going by Kelly's to visit Mike and Carmen while they were still here. Kelly made lunch and we hung out for the afternoon. We left there and went to Boston Store. I needed to get the kids new sheets for their bed. There was residue on the bed from the baby's last moments. Bailee couldn't go home and look at that so I washed the new sheets in order to prepare to change them for them. I can't protect them from the horror of this but I have to do everything possible to help no matter how insignificant.
It's like a double whammy. Not only have I lost one of the loves of my life, I cannot protect my child from this horrible pain.
It's like a double whammy. Not only have I lost one of the loves of my life, I cannot protect my child from this horrible pain.
Today was the most horrible of all. The funeral. We got to the funeral home and Bailee and Adam were already inside. The director held us at bay so they would get alone time with the baby. Bailee was reading to the baby. She read One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish to him. She felt the need to make up for the opportunity that she will miss. The thought of her going through this was so terribly painful.
The director allowed us in but I couldn't see the baby, I needed to remember him as he was - soft, warm, and wonderful in my arms. I couldn't do this thing. Everyone went in and I stayed behind. I was fidgety. The funeral director talked to me, he said he does look ok. So I asked him what his experience was. Do people regret not viewing the dead? He said usually you don't regret it now but you have to remember that a month from now you cannot go back. It's now or never. At that exact moment, Bailee came out by me. Just the sight of her made me need to go in. I needed to feel what she felt, to be there for her. So I went.
He was beautiful. A perfect little angel with his thick, dark head of hair, looking like he was sleeping. The pain was unbearable. We stroked him and studied him and prayed for this to be untrue. We stayed with him until it was time to close the coffin.
As the visitors came, the comfort came. So many people for such a little person. His short life surely made an impact. So much emotional pain and sorrow was felt by so many. The outpouring of love and support was so immense, even though it warmed my heart, it made this process almost more painful. How will we ever get through this day?
The luncheon went well although there was concern regarding the food. I expected 40 people and there were 110. The OCCC staff was amazing. They took away all worries and made it happen. It was good and under the circumstances, it was nice to visit with everyone.
As the lunch was winding down, it was time to think about BJ heading out. He took his friends over to Buffalo Wild Wings before his flight was to leave which was in about 2 hours. Bailee, Adam, Sandy, David, Jeff, and I headed over there after we cleared out the Community Center. The love and support from BJ's friends was overwhelming. We sat in the bar and had a few beers and reminisced. Mark took lots of photos of the group. BJ got on the phone and changed his flight. He is staying until Monday. He felt the need to be here.
We actually loosened up a little, it felt like something normal. David, Sandy, Bailee, and Adam were heading to Sandy's sister's house for a visit and BJ and his friends were heading out as well. We could choose to go with any of them but I really wanted to go home. The emotional toll wore me down to exhaustion. By 8pm I will be in bed. I need to dream of something else. Something better.
The director allowed us in but I couldn't see the baby, I needed to remember him as he was - soft, warm, and wonderful in my arms. I couldn't do this thing. Everyone went in and I stayed behind. I was fidgety. The funeral director talked to me, he said he does look ok. So I asked him what his experience was. Do people regret not viewing the dead? He said usually you don't regret it now but you have to remember that a month from now you cannot go back. It's now or never. At that exact moment, Bailee came out by me. Just the sight of her made me need to go in. I needed to feel what she felt, to be there for her. So I went.
He was beautiful. A perfect little angel with his thick, dark head of hair, looking like he was sleeping. The pain was unbearable. We stroked him and studied him and prayed for this to be untrue. We stayed with him until it was time to close the coffin.
As the visitors came, the comfort came. So many people for such a little person. His short life surely made an impact. So much emotional pain and sorrow was felt by so many. The outpouring of love and support was so immense, even though it warmed my heart, it made this process almost more painful. How will we ever get through this day?
The luncheon went well although there was concern regarding the food. I expected 40 people and there were 110. The OCCC staff was amazing. They took away all worries and made it happen. It was good and under the circumstances, it was nice to visit with everyone.
As the lunch was winding down, it was time to think about BJ heading out. He took his friends over to Buffalo Wild Wings before his flight was to leave which was in about 2 hours. Bailee, Adam, Sandy, David, Jeff, and I headed over there after we cleared out the Community Center. The love and support from BJ's friends was overwhelming. We sat in the bar and had a few beers and reminisced. Mark took lots of photos of the group. BJ got on the phone and changed his flight. He is staying until Monday. He felt the need to be here.
We actually loosened up a little, it felt like something normal. David, Sandy, Bailee, and Adam were heading to Sandy's sister's house for a visit and BJ and his friends were heading out as well. We could choose to go with any of them but I really wanted to go home. The emotional toll wore me down to exhaustion. By 8pm I will be in bed. I need to dream of something else. Something better.
I woke up this morning thinking about this lunch thing. I am struggling with the concept. Bailee and Adam are still sleeping and Jeff is on the phone with Sharon. Work is asking questions about the arrangements. I got up and wrote an e-mail to everyone.
Re: Our sweet baby, Stephen Adam Smith
I know that many of you have questions about what happened this week and I can finally muster up the strength to send this to you. I apologize for making you wait, please share this with anyone concerned.
Tuesday night Bailee and Stephen went to bed at 9:30. Adam came home from working second shift and checked on them at 10:30 and they were both sleeping soundly. Adam stayed up to unwind from working and went to check on the baby before he went to bed at 2 am when he found Stephen not breathing and already blue. He immediately started CPR while Bailee called the paramedics. When they got there they told Adam to stop, it was too late.
By 5:30 am Wednesday morning Bailee did the most selfless act of donating all of Stephen’s organs to other children. The coroner performed an autopsy Wednesday to try to explain what happened and this baby was as perfectly healthy on the inside as he was on the outside, therefore the only explanation is SIDS.
We made arrangements through our Pastor and services will be tomorrow (Saturday). Here are the details: www.pkfuneralhomes.com .
So that is taken care of. I called my aunt who will call the rest of my dad's side of the family. Now back to this lunch thing. Kelly said she will help me cook. I'm certain Jen will too. But I can't focus so I think we will order some food from somewhere. I don't know where and after talking to Bailee she mentioned Brossman's. She knows them from working at the OC Community Center. I told her I was driving there to get food for the lunch. I asked her if it was OK that we do lunch at the house since I have no ambition to plan anything. She says sure, even though it's also nice to go where you don't have to do dishes. We headed out and halfway to Brossman's I told Jeff to turn around and head to the Community Center. We went in and thank goodness Sue and Tina were working. I told them the horrible news and they cried with us. Then I asked for their help. They instantly went into action. They gave us a room and we ordered food. I didn't even think about all that goes along with a lunch - like having a bar. They said they will take care of everything and not to worry. They wanted to help as best as they could. It was like angels swooped down and made it all happen.
Jen is out shopping to find Bailee something to wear. Matt is printing and framing photos for tomorrow.
The neighbor came over carrying ham and rolls. It was the greatest thing, this simple act of kindness was just what we needed. Each of us had a sandwich and then we each had another. I never tasted ham so good. Bailee says it's because it's from National Bakery, I say it's because it's full of compassion that the neighbor brought along with her. Bailee showed her photos of the baby and she offered up the suggestion of going to a support group. She said it helped her when she lost her husband a long time ago. It felt better not to be alone or think you are alone. Her words were perfect.
Bailee just talked to my brother, they are coming from Menomonie. They will be here at midnight just like BJ.
This still is not easy. I need to print photos tonight and get some thank you cards. I need to prepare for incoming family. I need to sleep and dream of something better.
Re: Our sweet baby, Stephen Adam Smith
I know that many of you have questions about what happened this week and I can finally muster up the strength to send this to you. I apologize for making you wait, please share this with anyone concerned.
Tuesday night Bailee and Stephen went to bed at 9:30. Adam came home from working second shift and checked on them at 10:30 and they were both sleeping soundly. Adam stayed up to unwind from working and went to check on the baby before he went to bed at 2 am when he found Stephen not breathing and already blue. He immediately started CPR while Bailee called the paramedics. When they got there they told Adam to stop, it was too late.
By 5:30 am Wednesday morning Bailee did the most selfless act of donating all of Stephen’s organs to other children. The coroner performed an autopsy Wednesday to try to explain what happened and this baby was as perfectly healthy on the inside as he was on the outside, therefore the only explanation is SIDS.
We made arrangements through our Pastor and services will be tomorrow (Saturday). Here are the details: www.pkfuneralhomes.com .
So that is taken care of. I called my aunt who will call the rest of my dad's side of the family. Now back to this lunch thing. Kelly said she will help me cook. I'm certain Jen will too. But I can't focus so I think we will order some food from somewhere. I don't know where and after talking to Bailee she mentioned Brossman's. She knows them from working at the OC Community Center. I told her I was driving there to get food for the lunch. I asked her if it was OK that we do lunch at the house since I have no ambition to plan anything. She says sure, even though it's also nice to go where you don't have to do dishes. We headed out and halfway to Brossman's I told Jeff to turn around and head to the Community Center. We went in and thank goodness Sue and Tina were working. I told them the horrible news and they cried with us. Then I asked for their help. They instantly went into action. They gave us a room and we ordered food. I didn't even think about all that goes along with a lunch - like having a bar. They said they will take care of everything and not to worry. They wanted to help as best as they could. It was like angels swooped down and made it all happen.
Jen is out shopping to find Bailee something to wear. Matt is printing and framing photos for tomorrow.
The neighbor came over carrying ham and rolls. It was the greatest thing, this simple act of kindness was just what we needed. Each of us had a sandwich and then we each had another. I never tasted ham so good. Bailee says it's because it's from National Bakery, I say it's because it's full of compassion that the neighbor brought along with her. Bailee showed her photos of the baby and she offered up the suggestion of going to a support group. She said it helped her when she lost her husband a long time ago. It felt better not to be alone or think you are alone. Her words were perfect.
Bailee just talked to my brother, they are coming from Menomonie. They will be here at midnight just like BJ.
This still is not easy. I need to print photos tonight and get some thank you cards. I need to prepare for incoming family. I need to sleep and dream of something better.
Today I slept as long as I possibly could. Sleeping takes it all away. I know I must return to reality but I will try to stave it off as long as possible. This is the day of funeral arrangements. I don't know how to get through this. I can't stop the tears. I am thinking of all of PJ's words. He says Stephen is where he has been all along, in God's hands. It is comforting yet I would prefer Stephen was in my hands.
This is all up to Bailee. Her pain is the greatest. Her needs matter most. She said she wanted to bury the baby someplace close so Adam could visit all the time. I was really hoping she would change her mind. I was all for cremation. I was being selfish. I thought that if he was cremated we could keep him with us. Take him with us. And even though I never said it, PJ did. And Bailee listened and liked the idea of keeping him with her. I was glad he planted that seed.
I know this is difficult for her, the best advice PJ gave her was "to do what is right for you". But sometimes she would look to me. I want to protect her. I also want what seems best for her but I don't know either. Adam's family has almost no input so even though they aren't interfering with Bailee's wishes, it's hard not to have any help. So I will do my best to get her through.
The funeral director was friendly, helpful, but a little harsh. It's the reality of what he does and so far he's done everything Bailee asked. We will have time alone, time with family, a prayer service, and lunch. I hate this and I don't know if I can do this. It took 2 and a half hours to make all the arrangements.
Since we were halfway to downtown Jeff took me to work to pick up my car. I was so hoping I wouldn't run into anyone and luckily I did not. I got my car and met Jeff at the flower shop. We ordered our beloved grandson arrangement. This just sucks. I need to do something normal. I stop at the car wash and go home and make a real dinner.
Nick stopped by. I was so surprised and so happy to see him and so sad it was under these circumstances. He loves us like family and we think of him as family. BJ called right after Nick left. He will be here tomorrow night at midnight. I am amazed at my family.
I need to get back to sleep where I can dream of something else. Of life with a baby grandson.
This is all up to Bailee. Her pain is the greatest. Her needs matter most. She said she wanted to bury the baby someplace close so Adam could visit all the time. I was really hoping she would change her mind. I was all for cremation. I was being selfish. I thought that if he was cremated we could keep him with us. Take him with us. And even though I never said it, PJ did. And Bailee listened and liked the idea of keeping him with her. I was glad he planted that seed.
I know this is difficult for her, the best advice PJ gave her was "to do what is right for you". But sometimes she would look to me. I want to protect her. I also want what seems best for her but I don't know either. Adam's family has almost no input so even though they aren't interfering with Bailee's wishes, it's hard not to have any help. So I will do my best to get her through.
The funeral director was friendly, helpful, but a little harsh. It's the reality of what he does and so far he's done everything Bailee asked. We will have time alone, time with family, a prayer service, and lunch. I hate this and I don't know if I can do this. It took 2 and a half hours to make all the arrangements.
Since we were halfway to downtown Jeff took me to work to pick up my car. I was so hoping I wouldn't run into anyone and luckily I did not. I got my car and met Jeff at the flower shop. We ordered our beloved grandson arrangement. This just sucks. I need to do something normal. I stop at the car wash and go home and make a real dinner.
Nick stopped by. I was so surprised and so happy to see him and so sad it was under these circumstances. He loves us like family and we think of him as family. BJ called right after Nick left. He will be here tomorrow night at midnight. I am amazed at my family.
I need to get back to sleep where I can dream of something else. Of life with a baby grandson.
Today the most horrific thing of all things has happened. I got the call at 9:30. Jeff was coming to get me. The baby is dead. How can this be? What am I supposed to do now? I am devastated. I am heartbroken. I don't know how to continue. I take comfort in the kindness from Michelle, Sandy, and Kim.
Bailee is beside herself with grief. My pain is doubled. The baby is gone and now my daughter is suffering through something no mother should have to bear. I don't know what to do next. I don't know how to continue.
We head to my mother's. We have to tell her. She now lost two Stephens. Everyone is there. Kelly and Greg and mom. I want to shield my daughter from the pain but I cannot. I cannot protect my child from this horrible thing.
We go to church where PJ offers comfort but the pain does not ebb. PJ offers more support than I imagined. He had suggestions and gives us things to think about for tomorrow. We have to plan a funeral tomorrow. How can we get through this?
Bailee is here at home with us. Adam went to see his father. Sharon came by and cried with us. She mentioned that even though we don't always like some of the things that happen at work, this was a reminder of how many people cared. She was unindated with people who were shaken by the news all day at work today and she reminded me of their thoughtfulness. At the moment it doesn't matter, I am too absorbed in my own pain to feel grateful.
Everything has become nothing. All there is left is pain and sorrow. I have to sleep to avoid the unavoidable.
Bailee is beside herself with grief. My pain is doubled. The baby is gone and now my daughter is suffering through something no mother should have to bear. I don't know what to do next. I don't know how to continue.
We head to my mother's. We have to tell her. She now lost two Stephens. Everyone is there. Kelly and Greg and mom. I want to shield my daughter from the pain but I cannot. I cannot protect my child from this horrible thing.
We go to church where PJ offers comfort but the pain does not ebb. PJ offers more support than I imagined. He had suggestions and gives us things to think about for tomorrow. We have to plan a funeral tomorrow. How can we get through this?
Bailee is here at home with us. Adam went to see his father. Sharon came by and cried with us. She mentioned that even though we don't always like some of the things that happen at work, this was a reminder of how many people cared. She was unindated with people who were shaken by the news all day at work today and she reminded me of their thoughtfulness. At the moment it doesn't matter, I am too absorbed in my own pain to feel grateful.
Everything has become nothing. All there is left is pain and sorrow. I have to sleep to avoid the unavoidable.
My company Christmas...scratch that..."Holiday" party was last night. We've attended these parties every year since my first and I think this one will be the last. The parties used to be held at the Italian Community Center where the food is great, we got to go on carriage rides through the third ward, and did department group photos as well as couples photos. They were warm an friendly gatherings with dancing and drinks and lots of comraderie.
The last few years the parties are at the Marcus Center, a beautiful building, but one that feels a little colder, more formal that the ICC. The food is not that great, and activities include 'casino night'. Last year there was a fortune teller that was pretty popular and at the end of the night, you turned your 'gambling winnings' into prize tickets. If your ticket number was called, you won a gift card. This year there was no fortune teller and no prize tickets with 'casino night'.
The music was better than usual, but hardly anybody stayed. Only a few of us spent were left on the dance floor and the drinks were pretty expensive. We left earlier than ever before and on the way out Jeff commented that it seemed pretty lame this year. The food was so bad that I didn't eat so I was still hungry when we left. The camraderie was non-existent. I was kind of sad.
I'm sure the state of the economy was the reason for the cut back in the prizes so maybe next year the company will just cancel the party and I won't have to worry about deciding whether to go or not. I truly am grateful for these types of perks from the company but maybe I've just grown out of them.
The last few years the parties are at the Marcus Center, a beautiful building, but one that feels a little colder, more formal that the ICC. The food is not that great, and activities include 'casino night'. Last year there was a fortune teller that was pretty popular and at the end of the night, you turned your 'gambling winnings' into prize tickets. If your ticket number was called, you won a gift card. This year there was no fortune teller and no prize tickets with 'casino night'.
The music was better than usual, but hardly anybody stayed. Only a few of us spent were left on the dance floor and the drinks were pretty expensive. We left earlier than ever before and on the way out Jeff commented that it seemed pretty lame this year. The food was so bad that I didn't eat so I was still hungry when we left. The camraderie was non-existent. I was kind of sad.
I'm sure the state of the economy was the reason for the cut back in the prizes so maybe next year the company will just cancel the party and I won't have to worry about deciding whether to go or not. I truly am grateful for these types of perks from the company but maybe I've just grown out of them.
I'm 51 years old, married for over 30 years and I have three great kids. Our oldest daughter works in clothing design as a technical designer, the middle daughter works for a graphics-printing shop, and the baby boy graduated from college with a degree in civil engineering. He is now working at his first full-time job in Winter Haven, California which makes us empty nesters. My middle daughter had a beautiful baby boy last November so yes, I am a grandma. His sweet little life ended when he died from SIDS which changed our lives forever. Our daughter is having another baby which is terrifying but we are glad she is living her life. Nothing will ever be the same.
We live in Oak Creek, in a great house where the back yard is adjacent to a park as well as the creek. The wildlife that comes by makes for great viewing pleasure. We are committed to feeding the birds and ducks - something that once you start, you have to keep doing through the winter since they become dependent on it. My housecat is continuously teased by the creatures that run through the yard. He's commonly found bouncing off the patio door. We had a swimming pool, which was removed and left a large hole in the yard. We will now build a pond and memorial garden to fill it in. We have a hot tub and a fire pit in the back yard so we could easily vacation at home. We also have a very large organic vegetable garden that I love to work. Cooking and canning my harvest is extremely rewarding.
My husband is currently taking classes to earn his bachelor's degree. He is a cardiac patient, a label that will stick for his lifetime since his heart attack and bypass surgery. He spends his time woodworking and bicycling. He is also a WIAA official, he refs basketball and umps softball and baseball. We spend summers on his Harley traveling the country as much as we can. I have my motorcycle license but I'm most comfortable enjoying the scenery on the back of Jeff's so I don't have my own bike.
I have my bachelor of science degree in Business Information Systems and Business Administration. I work for an IT company doing quality assurance work. I also have my Webmaster certification from UW-M. Occasionally I write for Fox's Community Pages, I manage my church's website, and love spending my spare time making web pages and blog writing.
I like to sew and dabble in woodworking, and I am currently taking quilting classes. I will be selling crafts and quilted items on my new site, http://www.sunshinesews.etsy.com/ and I do a few craft fairs throughout the year. I also love to run and go to the gym daily. Staying healthy is extremely important to me, especially since my husband's heart attack.
We are trying to find 0ur way since our world was turned upside down by the death of our grandson,Stephen. We've had so many changes in our lives in recent years it is hard to stay focused on what comes next so we take things one day at a time.
We live in Oak Creek, in a great house where the back yard is adjacent to a park as well as the creek. The wildlife that comes by makes for great viewing pleasure. We are committed to feeding the birds and ducks - something that once you start, you have to keep doing through the winter since they become dependent on it. My housecat is continuously teased by the creatures that run through the yard. He's commonly found bouncing off the patio door. We had a swimming pool, which was removed and left a large hole in the yard. We will now build a pond and memorial garden to fill it in. We have a hot tub and a fire pit in the back yard so we could easily vacation at home. We also have a very large organic vegetable garden that I love to work. Cooking and canning my harvest is extremely rewarding.
My husband is currently taking classes to earn his bachelor's degree. He is a cardiac patient, a label that will stick for his lifetime since his heart attack and bypass surgery. He spends his time woodworking and bicycling. He is also a WIAA official, he refs basketball and umps softball and baseball. We spend summers on his Harley traveling the country as much as we can. I have my motorcycle license but I'm most comfortable enjoying the scenery on the back of Jeff's so I don't have my own bike.
I have my bachelor of science degree in Business Information Systems and Business Administration. I work for an IT company doing quality assurance work. I also have my Webmaster certification from UW-M. Occasionally I write for Fox's Community Pages, I manage my church's website, and love spending my spare time making web pages and blog writing.
I like to sew and dabble in woodworking, and I am currently taking quilting classes. I will be selling crafts and quilted items on my new site, http://www.sunshinesews.etsy.com/ and I do a few craft fairs throughout the year. I also love to run and go to the gym daily. Staying healthy is extremely important to me, especially since my husband's heart attack.
We are trying to find 0ur way since our world was turned upside down by the death of our grandson,Stephen. We've had so many changes in our lives in recent years it is hard to stay focused on what comes next so we take things one day at a time.
I watched the national news tonight to see a story about the ugly doll. The story was about how one of the Obama girls went to school with an ugly doll attached to her backpack. The story went on to talk about how things become all the rage because of photos taken like these. I couldn't resist. I had to google the ugly doll. They are ugly alright. I started pricing them and then next thing you know I was on ebay. There they were...and in less than 60 seconds, I was paying for them through my paypal account.Here they are......
I decided to drop off the Milwaukee H.O.G. board as Webmaster. I liked the work and I have the site to a place where it's become easy to maintian but it's just not very satisfying work. I don't really care for some of the people on the new board - not that I was all that thrilled with some of the ones I worked with before either, but I will miss some of my outgoing fellow board members. I need a fresh start with some new plans and new creative outlets so it's time to let this one go. The funny thing is since I made the decision to terminate my services, I still have trouble letting go. Now that it's January, the site is still not updated - even though there is a new Webmaster. I sent a very detailed instruction document and it's not being followed. I have to tell myself to just let go and move on.
So in moving on, I started looking at other H.O.G. chapters just to see if involvement with a different group might be a better fit. After reviewing a few sites, it became very clear that I am not interested in another motorcycle group at all! This was a revelation that felt so right I stopped looking, won't start looking again, and I've even began planning for my own summer motorcycle adventures, no motorcycle group involvement whatsoever. What a relief.
Stay tuned....new adventures are just around the corner!
So in moving on, I started looking at other H.O.G. chapters just to see if involvement with a different group might be a better fit. After reviewing a few sites, it became very clear that I am not interested in another motorcycle group at all! This was a revelation that felt so right I stopped looking, won't start looking again, and I've even began planning for my own summer motorcycle adventures, no motorcycle group involvement whatsoever. What a relief
Stay tuned....new adventures are just around the corner!
For Jeff, the year was pretty tough. His heart disease has caused him much distress. He currently suffers from atrial fibrillation and irregular heart beats. The irregular heart beats have been going on since he was in his 30's and has been controlled with beta blockers. On an angioplasty follow-up, his cardiologist found the atrial fibrillation. It was suggested that Jeff have a cardioversion which is a procedure where the heart is stopped and shocked so that when it starts back up, the rhythm is corrected. It takes 15 minutes under general anesthetic. So he had the cardioversion and it didn't work. The arrhythmia specialist basically said he would have to stick with medication to manage the problem. And the problem is that if the arrhythmia is not corrected, blood can pool up in the heart, clot, and go to the brain. The medication to help is a blood thinner to make sure clots can't form.
The medication has terrible side effects. Unfortunately, we found out firsthand. On a Saturday afternoon in March, Jeff was in such terrible pain that we went to the ER. He was bleeding internally. After a two day hospital stay, he was released on the same medication. We followed up with his cardiologist who suggested a different arrhythmia specialist. This one was much better than the last. He said he could help and explained that the cardioversion should be done with a combination of medication to keep him out of atrial fibrillation. So Jeff had another cardioversion in April which didn't work.
It is always best to start with the least invasive procedures before moving to the tougher stuff. So the cardioversion was the first step of the journey. Now the doctor was suggesting more invasive measures. Jeff would undergo a cath ablation. Through catheterization, the doctors will map out the electrical system in his heart, then ablate the areas that are causing the irregular beats. This is a 5 - 6 hour procedure and he had it done in May. The a-fib was gone, but the blood thinners had to continue for a few months after the procedure.
In late summer, Jeff had a spill on his bike. Instantly, he was bleeding internally from the knees all the way down his legs. While recovering, his legs were stiff and because of it, he bumped into a rail causing more internal bleeding. During this time, he had his follow-up with the cardiologist where he discovered that the atrial fibrillation was back. The atrial fibrillation specialist called and told him to get into the office as soon as possible.
Another cath ablation was scheduled for December. The procedure was different this time. The first time, he went into a-fib while in the hospital. This time he never went into a-fib. Now just to make things clear, we knew it was not uncommon to go through these procedures more than once so it was really wishful thinking that it would be cleared up earlier but all these internal bleeding episodes were a major cause of distress. So now he waits to have a follow-up visit and prays for nothing more than no more a-fib so he can get off the blood thinners. The first follow-up is scheduled in January and the time frame to stop the blood thinners is March. So he need to be careful not to slip, fall, or bump into things for now.
So we hold our breath and hope...
The medication has terrible side effects. Unfortunately, we found out firsthand. On a Saturday afternoon in March, Jeff was in such terrible pain that we went to the ER. He was bleeding internally. After a two day hospital stay, he was released on the same medication. We followed up with his cardiologist who suggested a different arrhythmia specialist. This one was much better than the last. He said he could help and explained that the cardioversion should be done with a combination of medication to keep him out of atrial fibrillation. So Jeff had another cardioversion in April which didn't work.
It is always best to start with the least invasive procedures before moving to the tougher stuff. So the cardioversion was the first step of the journey. Now the doctor was suggesting more invasive measures. Jeff would undergo a cath ablation. Through catheterization, the doctors will map out the electrical system in his heart, then ablate the areas that are causing the irregular beats. This is a 5 - 6 hour procedure and he had it done in May. The a-fib was gone, but the blood thinners had to continue for a few months after the procedure.
In late summer, Jeff had a spill on his bike. Instantly, he was bleeding internally from the knees all the way down his legs. While recovering, his legs were stiff and because of it, he bumped into a rail causing more internal bleeding. During this time, he had his follow-up with the cardiologist where he discovered that the atrial fibrillation was back. The atrial fibrillation specialist called and told him to get into the office as soon as possible.
Another cath ablation was scheduled for December. The procedure was different this time. The first time, he went into a-fib while in the hospital. This time he never went into a-fib. Now just to make things clear, we knew it was not uncommon to go through these procedures more than once so it was really wishful thinking that it would be cleared up earlier but all these internal bleeding episodes were a major cause of distress. So now he waits to have a follow-up visit and prays for nothing more than no more a-fib so he can get off the blood thinners. The first follow-up is scheduled in January and the time frame to stop the blood thinners is March. So he need to be careful not to slip, fall, or bump into things for now.
So we hold our breath and hope...
I'm struggling with the concept of new year's resolutions, not to mention actually making one. I think I would rather have a fresh start than try to change some percieved bad habit. Resolutions usually mean discipline and/or routine. I think I am already pretty rigid with my routine. I get up before 5 to be at the gym before 6 every day and I never miss a day. One of my co-workers says he will start the new year with a new attitude. In his case it's not meant as a good thing. He wants to change his attitude to one of compliance and apathy. He thinks caring less means less frustration. The thing is, he does excellent work because he does care and he won't be able to let that go. I think I will heed his example and stick to my plan of no resolutions.
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