Bailee and Adam are moving. They knew they couldn't stay where the baby died. There was just too much sadness in the air. The bad memory of that one horrible day outweighed all the other days. She can't even take a shower with her eyes closed because of her last good memories was bathing the baby the night before he died. It just haunts her.
Once the decision was made and the deal was sealed on the new house in Racine, reality set in. And I knew it would come - that feeling of leaving behind all the good memories. Bailee called to tell me that she is moving and I could hear the sadness in her voice. So I asked. How does that make you feel? She said she was afraid that she was leaving some of his spirit behind since this was the place with all the good baby memories. The place where he lived in his short time here. I told her that his spirit and all the love in that house was in her heart and in her memories and she would never be leaving that behind.
Bailee said that Adam calls it's a fresh start. So the planning begins. She spent the next two weeks packing and planning and getting ready for the move. When the time got closer she asked me to keep the baby's urn so she didn't have to worry about this little precious cargo during her move. I told her fine, I would keep the little jar in a safe place until she was ready to have it back. She just didn't want to worry about anything bad happening to it. I think everything bad has already happened. I didn't begin to fathom the effects of the baby's ashes in that little urn and how it would make me feel.
Maybe it wasn't so much the urn, maybe it was Bailee's treatment of it. She dropped it off on Friday night and when she left, she made sure to say good-bye. She talked to the urn like she was talking to the baby. "Good-night, sweet dreams, grandma and grandpa will take good care of you." My heart was breaking all over again. I cry everyday but it's been a while since I cried this hard.
All I can think of is the urn, the sadness, and my poor baby girl clinging to it. Thing's just don't get better.
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