I really tried to move on today. If Jeff wouldn't have mentioned it, I probably wouldn't have even tried. He said it was time to put the swing away. I agreed.
I've been thinking about it for a while now. But when the process of taking the batteries out, getting the box from the garage, going over the instructions so to take it apart properly, just the thought of those many steps felt overwhelming. So every time I considered it, just mentally taking it apart wore me out and so I stopped before I even got started.
But today I took it more seriously because Jeff said it out loud. I would really try this time, and it seemed do-able. Mentioning the swing didn't have a negative emotional effect as it sometimes does so I thought I was ready to pack it up. I picked up the swing and moved it to the foyer so I could vacuum the entire living room. I thought about where I would store the blankets and the little stuffed horse, the dangling toys from the attached mobile, and that was it.
I found myself on my hands and knees on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. Nothing could console me, nothing could stop the terrible pain and grief over putting away the baby's swing. Even the cat was concerned about my horrible wailing. The pain was so palpable I couldn't get up off the floor. I was so distraught, I cried myself to sleep and napped for a good hour.
When I got up I was still out of sorts, so deeply saddened. I felt like I was physically traumatized as much as emotionally. I told Jeff that I was sorry for not completing the task but I just couldn't. He thought that was part of the reason to put it away-it might just ease my sadness-if it wasn't there to remind me as it does. He's right, I'm sure, but it's physically impossible for me to do.
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2 comments:
I think it would be okay to have someone else take it apart and box it up for you.
My first husband died when my children were young. I gave away the clothes right away but the other things I put in storage. I wanted the kids to be able to choose what they wanted to remember him by when they were older. It also gives me comfort to know that his things are there, even though I never really go look through them. It's time to go through all of it and give it away but I dread it. I'm paying $50/month to store memories. So far I haven't been able to make myself go down and do it. And he died 10 years ago. Everything takes time. And some things take a really long time. I hope you can eventually find some peace.
Thank you for your helpful insight. It really helps to know that in time, I can deal with some of this.
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