Another Compassionate Friends Meeting

This was our second time at Compassionate Friends. I'm still not so sure this is something that is a fit for me. At the first session, the group leader could not attend so someone filled in for her. Everyone raved about this woman I never met, and I thought for sure this meeting would be better just because the facilitator with the great reputation would be there. But she wasn't there. So through the meeting the fill-in person repeated many times, I wish Rosie was here, she is better at this. It wasn't instilling any warm feelings for me.

The thing that surprised me was that there were quite a few new people there. Too bad, for them, I thought. I knew some of the new people, there was a neighbor who's daughter died from MS, a member of my church who's son took too many prescription drugs. There was a doctor, a woman who's son drowned, and a young couple who's baby died from SIDS. They only had their baby for a week before he died, I was heartbroken all over again just listening to their story. After the formal meeting they really wanted to connect with Bailee. The amazing thing is that they told her about a SIDS group that meets at Children's Hospital. I think she is going to go and skip coming here.

Compassionate Friends is a place where you can feel safe, feel understood, and get comfort. The thing is that I don't feel understood. I am in a room full of people who have lost sons and daughters. I don't know the devastation of losing a child, I am the grandmother of our lost baby, but I know that most of these people did not lose children. And when I say children, I mean the dictionary's first interpretation of a person under legal age, pre-pubescent, young children. Not grown sons and daughters who had their own style, personality, careers, even children. These people have memories of someone who has grown into their own selves. They have many memories to share and grieve over. We have none of these things, which is why I don't feel understood. The loss of this baby is like nothing I have ever felt before. And I have lost a father too soon, he was 53, a brother too soon, he was 24. I would never discount the terrible loss of these most important people in my life but it paled in raw, emotional suffering compared to this baby. This pain is so great my bones have never hurt like this. And there is no one to relate to, except this new couple that came to the meeting. I was glad that Bailee connected to them.

I gave Bailee as much space as I could. I wanted her to be able to try to find her own purpose to be here. I didn't want to be the reason she came. I reached out to Dick, the man who went to my church, and I think we really connected. I hope I can be of help for him to heal. Although I do understand that healing is not really possible, maybe the better word would be comfort. I am certain we will connect more often at church from now on and I am glad for that.

As we left the meeting we walked out with Chris, our neighbor. She did not like coming to the meeting and she told Bailee why. I stayed out of her conversation with Bailee. They were both the mothers of children lost so I hoped they would find comfort in each other. Chris went on to say that these people come here and re-live their death memories and Chris wanted to remember the good memories during her life instead. She didn't like how these meetings made her feel. Bailee commented that she thought it was a little disturbing that many of these people have been coming for years. She knows she will never be the same, that she will always have a broken heart over this baby but she was pretty sure she didn't want to be doing this for years.

My own personal feelings were somewhat the same. I felt like I did want to be there to share my pain, but I wanted to talk about my pain, not listen to others who have been coming there for years. The co-leader explained that many people who have been coming for years are proof that you can get on with life, not the same life you had before but survival is possible. With all the reliving of the pain of the loss that these people discuss, it doesn't feel at all like they have got on with anything. It feels more like they want to re-live their pain over and over, no time for me to share my pain. Maybe it is selfish of me, but I didn't come to the meeing to be an audience for these people. I wanted help for my grief, to find a way through my pain. The amazing thing is that the best comfort that I got came from Dick, the new member to the group. Maybe we can start our own support group at church.

I really wish Jeff could come to these meetings. I would like to know what his feelings are about them. Maybe they would help him. At least he would be another opinion on whether there is value in attending. I will attend again next month, but I am pretty sure Bailee will not. I still have to see of Rosie is worth the wait.