The daily struggle

This is my fourth day back to work. Monday and Tuesday were pretty hard but yesterday felt much better. But today I can hardly contain myself. I am in so much emotional pain I cried from the time I hit the shower at the gym around 6:45 till well after 9. I emailed Jeff and told him I thought I was going crazy. He called instantly and asked me if I wanted him to come and get me. I almost said yes but instead I just asked him to keep talking.

All I could think of was Bailee's description of her last evening with the baby. She said she gave him a bath and for the first time, he liked it. She changed her technique this time where she climbed into the tub with him and he enjoyed it. She said she dressed him in his mommy's little cutie pajamas, fed him and cuddled him. She said he rolled on his side for the first time that night. She called it a perfect evening with Stephen. It breaks my heart every time I thnk of it. And today I could not get the vision of Stephen's beautiful last evening out of my head. And of all the trauma of what they went through when they discovered him later. The whole thing is compounded by having to go pick up the baby's remains tomorrow and how painful it will be.

Jeff called in the afternoon to check on me and he reported that Bailee had called him. She got a letter from the tissue bank stating that two babies had benefitted from Stephen's heart valves. She was feeling better than she had in a long time since she felt like something good came out of his horribly untimely death. It just made me cry uncontrollably again. He was hoping for a different effect and wished he would have waited until I got home. I really don't think it matters and I am glad he told me.

I cannot breathe I am in so much distress. At the end of the day, I am proud of myself for pushing all the way through. But I can hardly contain my pain when I think of my poor little girl's emptiness and sorrow.

When I got home Bailee called, she wanted me to go to find a picture frame for her letter from the tissue bank. She also had a certificate from Governor Doyle that was a commendation for Stephen's donation. She was determined to frame these things, it was like a thread of goodness among all the bad.