It's been one month

It was one month ago today that our sweet baby boy died. Every passing mark of time, no matter how insignificant seems magnified. Every Wednesday marks another week without him, and now every 21st will mark another month without him. Since his death, I have not been able to see anything but darkness, no future, nothing but a black hole without any ending. My dreams are the opposite, though. Not black but all white, like being in an airplane, looking out and seeing nothing but clouds. Even the clouds have no end, there is nothing in the future but an endless view of nothing. I feel like I am covered with a heavy blanket of dispair and I am not strong enough to lift it. Not that I want to try.

But this morning I got up feeling fidgety. Like I should be creative. I collected the funeral cards up that have been scattered around the house and put them in one pile. I picked out some of the wilted flowers from the last funeral bouquet. Some of the flowers are drying for Bailee. She wants to keep some from every arrangement she got so I have them in a cardboard container in the dining room. It feels a little like progress.

It's snowing pretty hard this morning. There's a pretty white blanket of snow covering everything and the world looks clean and fresh, like a blank canvas. In my creative mood, I am thinking about how I will spend spring creating a memorial garden for Stephen. I have the location picked out. Maybe I can look forward a little bit.