Thinking about the future is hard. Everything is tempered with this pain in my heart. But I keep telling myself that planning things, getting things done is therapeutic. Of course, I don't know what I am talking about so I just make it up as I go. Anything to take my mind elsewhere cannot be a bad thing, can it? At the very least it keeps me preoccupied with thoughts other than the baby.
So I am thinking about craft fairs, motorcycle trips, and a vacations. I am not sure I have the energy to plan these things but I find it distracting in thinking about planning them.
As for really getting something done today, I am writing more thank you cards. I still have a stack to write so I hope I can get through some of them. It's so emotionally draining to do, so little by little I will get through this next hurdle. I still have flower arrangements that need tending. Bailee wants to dry the flowers and keep them which means I have to take care of it since she is not emotionally equipped to get to it. Whatever I can do to help her I will do.
An amazing thing has been happening. People that I don't even know are sending me wonderful notes of sympathy and encouragement on this blog. I cannot even describe how touching and comforting that is. When over 100 people showed up for the baby's funeral the funeral director said it gave him a renewed faith in humanity. That's exactly what the comments on my blog are doing for me.
If I could add you all to my list of those I have to write thank you notes for, I would.
Dear Baby,
Today grandpa hung new birdfeeders. One is for the finches and the other is a platform designed for the cardinals. There are 6 total feeders to fill now. Grandpa gets so much joy watching the birds in the backyard. He hoped for you to tag along when he fills the finch feeders with niger, the cardinals get safflower seeds, and the juncos get mixed bird seed. There is also special seed for the woodpeckers and whole corn for the ducks. I just feed peanuts to the squirrels. That way they just might leave the birds alone. It was our hope that you would someday appreciate all that nature give us, the beauty and grace of watching the birds is better than anything on television. It is important that you understand the delicate balance of nature and help do your part to preserve the wildlife. We want to teach you how important it is to do no harm, to cohabitate with the creatures living around us and make them a part of your life. Today it snowed all day so the birds really relied on the seed in the feeders. Grandpa was thrilled when 3 male and 2 female cardinals were in the new platform feeder.
Today grandpa hung new birdfeeders. One is for the finches and the other is a platform designed for the cardinals. There are 6 total feeders to fill now. Grandpa gets so much joy watching the birds in the backyard. He hoped for you to tag along when he fills the finch feeders with niger, the cardinals get safflower seeds, and the juncos get mixed bird seed. There is also special seed for the woodpeckers and whole corn for the ducks. I just feed peanuts to the squirrels. That way they just might leave the birds alone. It was our hope that you would someday appreciate all that nature give us, the beauty and grace of watching the birds is better than anything on television. It is important that you understand the delicate balance of nature and help do your part to preserve the wildlife. We want to teach you how important it is to do no harm, to cohabitate with the creatures living around us and make them a part of your life. Today it snowed all day so the birds really relied on the seed in the feeders. Grandpa was thrilled when 3 male and 2 female cardinals were in the new platform feeder.
It was one month ago today that our sweet baby boy died. Every passing mark of time, no matter how insignificant seems magnified. Every Wednesday marks another week without him, and now every 21st will mark another month without him. Since his death, I have not been able to see anything but darkness, no future, nothing but a black hole without any ending. My dreams are the opposite, though. Not black but all white, like being in an airplane, looking out and seeing nothing but clouds. Even the clouds have no end, there is nothing in the future but an endless view of nothing. I feel like I am covered with a heavy blanket of dispair and I am not strong enough to lift it. Not that I want to try.
But this morning I got up feeling fidgety. Like I should be creative. I collected the funeral cards up that have been scattered around the house and put them in one pile. I picked out some of the wilted flowers from the last funeral bouquet. Some of the flowers are drying for Bailee. She wants to keep some from every arrangement she got so I have them in a cardboard container in the dining room. It feels a little like progress.
It's snowing pretty hard this morning. There's a pretty white blanket of snow covering everything and the world looks clean and fresh, like a blank canvas. In my creative mood, I am thinking about how I will spend spring creating a memorial garden for Stephen. I have the location picked out. Maybe I can look forward a little bit.
But this morning I got up feeling fidgety. Like I should be creative. I collected the funeral cards up that have been scattered around the house and put them in one pile. I picked out some of the wilted flowers from the last funeral bouquet. Some of the flowers are drying for Bailee. She wants to keep some from every arrangement she got so I have them in a cardboard container in the dining room. It feels a little like progress.
It's snowing pretty hard this morning. There's a pretty white blanket of snow covering everything and the world looks clean and fresh, like a blank canvas. In my creative mood, I am thinking about how I will spend spring creating a memorial garden for Stephen. I have the location picked out. Maybe I can look forward a little bit.
We went to our first Compassionate Friends meeting last night. It wasn't easy. I was ready to back out and Bailee was ready to go. So it was good to have that little push to get me out the door. When we pulled into the Community Center parking lot, it was a different story. She didn't want to get out of the car. From her heavy sighs, I could tell this was very tough for her. I got out and told her I understood if she wanted to go back home. I suggested that we go in and say hi to Tom then we can go back home if she wants. But we stayed.
The meeting was big; there were many people there, which is too bad. That just means lots of sorrow, lots of losses. There was a couple there who also lost a baby to SIDS. It was nice to hear others talk about hope, feelings of sadness, feelings of frustration, fear, and disbelief. All the same things I think about. It is true that this group makes me feel less alone but I don't feel like we belong either.
Compassionate Friends is for people who lost a child, and more than half of these people lost grown up children, not babies or toddlers, or young people. And I couldn't really connect with those whose children had grown up to have children and have all the experiences that our baby will never know. It just doesn't feel quite like we fit real well with this group.
I did feel bad for the couple who lost their son to the war in Iraq, the man whose 14 year old daughter was killed in a snowmobile accident, and the woman whose baby lived for a day. In fact she brought birthday treats because her son would have been 1 year old this month.
I did get something out of it, no doubt about that, but I thought it would be different. We will go back next month to see if we can connect with the other SIDS couple.
The meeting was big; there were many people there, which is too bad. That just means lots of sorrow, lots of losses. There was a couple there who also lost a baby to SIDS. It was nice to hear others talk about hope, feelings of sadness, feelings of frustration, fear, and disbelief. All the same things I think about. It is true that this group makes me feel less alone but I don't feel like we belong either.
Compassionate Friends is for people who lost a child, and more than half of these people lost grown up children, not babies or toddlers, or young people. And I couldn't really connect with those whose children had grown up to have children and have all the experiences that our baby will never know. It just doesn't feel quite like we fit real well with this group.
I did feel bad for the couple who lost their son to the war in Iraq, the man whose 14 year old daughter was killed in a snowmobile accident, and the woman whose baby lived for a day. In fact she brought birthday treats because her son would have been 1 year old this month.
I did get something out of it, no doubt about that, but I thought it would be different. We will go back next month to see if we can connect with the other SIDS couple.
The day started ok. Jeff went out early in the morning and came back with Great Harvest bread, a dozen roses, and a valentines card. I was feeling almost human, so we went out to do some grocery shopping to buy lobster and steak for dinner. After all, it is valentine's day.
We busied ourselves all day, with cleaning and cooking and trying to forget for a little while. It wasn't until dinner that it hit me. All the valentines cookies, homemade crafts, and celebrations I was going to have with our little boy would never be. There would be no valentines for grandma.
How am I going to get through a real holiday when I cannot even handle a stupid non-holiday like valentines day?
We busied ourselves all day, with cleaning and cooking and trying to forget for a little while. It wasn't until dinner that it hit me. All the valentines cookies, homemade crafts, and celebrations I was going to have with our little boy would never be. There would be no valentines for grandma.
How am I going to get through a real holiday when I cannot even handle a stupid non-holiday like valentines day?
Work had a balloon sale to raise money. Since my head is in the clouds these days, I have no idea what the money was for. I pretty much ignored the whole thing, but I did know that you buy a balloon, write a tag of appreciation, thanks, or whatever and have it delivered to a coworker.
Next thing you know, I had a balloon delivered to me. It said from: your little angel above. It made me cry. It made everyone who read it cry. It was a wonderful gesture, and I was really touched by the thougthfulness of whoever sent it.
Next thing you know, I had a balloon delivered to me. It said from: your little angel above. It made me cry. It made everyone who read it cry. It was a wonderful gesture, and I was really touched by the thougthfulness of whoever sent it.
Today the weather was unusual. It was 60 degrees. It felt like it was reallly spring. Although reality will kick in and remind us that it is still February. But today the smells and the sights were like it was truly spring. All I could think of was my poor baby boy and how he would never know how wonderful the smell of spring is. How he would never get to feel the excitement of the first sounds of people outside enjoying the outdoors. The antsy feel of wanting to be out there as well, to see the ground without snow, to see the trickles of it melting, to hear the birds chirping and feel the change of the season. No matter how temporary this day is, my sweet baby grandson will never know.
Jeff wants to plan to visit BJ. He's not certain if we should meet him in Tempe on the weekend when his girlfriend is out there, San Diego the week before where he is meeting his friends, or pick a different week altogether. I cannot even comprehend planning anything.
I got the Compassionate Friends newsletter today. It reminded me that I will attend my first meeting next week. That really scares me.
Jeff wants to plan to visit BJ. He's not certain if we should meet him in Tempe on the weekend when his girlfriend is out there, San Diego the week before where he is meeting his friends, or pick a different week altogether. I cannot even comprehend planning anything.
I got the Compassionate Friends newsletter today. It reminded me that I will attend my first meeting next week. That really scares me.
Nothing will ever be the same and the realization of that is so numbing. Today I was thinking of stupid things people have said. I have learned a long time ago that even saying the wrong thing is better than no acknowledgement at all. That doesn't mean I will ever forget some of the bad things. I wonder when I will ever stop crying, I'm pretty sure the answer is never.
The weekend away was good, not only for Bailee, but for us too. It was good for Bailee to bond with her cousins. I just hope it helps her even if it was only for a temporary reprieve. We stopped at Sendik's so she could buy some deli meats for her workday lunches. I am always glad to take her wherever she needs to go if it makes things easier for her.
When we got home I noticed that the swimming pool looked empty. I told Jeff what I thought and after he checked the fluids on Bailee's car he went in back to take a look. Both him and Bailee were inspecting the far side of the pool. They came back to report that the entire south side of the pool was caved in. I started to cry. Jeff just gave me a hug and chuckled - "it's just a swimming pool that can be replaced." OK, I think I am overly emotional about most things these days. But when will the bad stuff ever end?
Did I mention that my car needs new brakes? Then Jeff dropped his laptop onto the floor.
When we got home I noticed that the swimming pool looked empty. I told Jeff what I thought and after he checked the fluids on Bailee's car he went in back to take a look. Both him and Bailee were inspecting the far side of the pool. They came back to report that the entire south side of the pool was caved in. I started to cry. Jeff just gave me a hug and chuckled - "it's just a swimming pool that can be replaced." OK, I think I am overly emotional about most things these days. But when will the bad stuff ever end?
Did I mention that my car needs new brakes? Then Jeff dropped his laptop onto the floor.
I worked from home today so I can be ready to go when the kids are ready. We're all going to pick up the baby's remains as soon as they want. We got the call and met them at the funeral home. Pat, the funeral director met us at the door. He asked the kids a few questions about whether they had made any final decisions and they have not. So Pat brings the baby up to them in a box which has an official label on it validating that these are Stephen's remains. They cannot contain their sorrow. Bailee can barely look at it and finds it difficult to have him sitting in front of her. So many more tears flow and we try to comfort them as best as we can. Pat seems a little embarassed by bringing Stephen in a box, and he offers them a $170 urn for free. Neither of them is in any state of mind to just say yes, please put him in the urn. So I shook my head and Adam followed suit and said sure, that would be a good thing.
The bill came in the mail two days ago so once composed, Bailee paid it. When she told Pat about the letter from the tissue bank, she felt better. We left after an hour in Pat's office. It was so difficult to see her in so much pain and tears as she took possession of the urn in the passenger's seat of the car. Can anyone understand how difficult it is to see your baby girl sobbing as she holds her baby boy in an urn on her lap?
We are taking Bailee to Marinette in the morning to hopefully get some emotional healing.
The bill came in the mail two days ago so once composed, Bailee paid it. When she told Pat about the letter from the tissue bank, she felt better. We left after an hour in Pat's office. It was so difficult to see her in so much pain and tears as she took possession of the urn in the passenger's seat of the car. Can anyone understand how difficult it is to see your baby girl sobbing as she holds her baby boy in an urn on her lap?
We are taking Bailee to Marinette in the morning to hopefully get some emotional healing.
This is my fourth day back to work. Monday and Tuesday were pretty hard but yesterday felt much better. But today I can hardly contain myself. I am in so much emotional pain I cried from the time I hit the shower at the gym around 6:45 till well after 9. I emailed Jeff and told him I thought I was going crazy. He called instantly and asked me if I wanted him to come and get me. I almost said yes but instead I just asked him to keep talking.
All I could think of was Bailee's description of her last evening with the baby. She said she gave him a bath and for the first time, he liked it. She changed her technique this time where she climbed into the tub with him and he enjoyed it. She said she dressed him in his mommy's little cutie pajamas, fed him and cuddled him. She said he rolled on his side for the first time that night. She called it a perfect evening with Stephen. It breaks my heart every time I thnk of it. And today I could not get the vision of Stephen's beautiful last evening out of my head. And of all the trauma of what they went through when they discovered him later. The whole thing is compounded by having to go pick up the baby's remains tomorrow and how painful it will be.
Jeff called in the afternoon to check on me and he reported that Bailee had called him. She got a letter from the tissue bank stating that two babies had benefitted from Stephen's heart valves. She was feeling better than she had in a long time since she felt like something good came out of his horribly untimely death. It just made me cry uncontrollably again. He was hoping for a different effect and wished he would have waited until I got home. I really don't think it matters and I am glad he told me.
I cannot breathe I am in so much distress. At the end of the day, I am proud of myself for pushing all the way through. But I can hardly contain my pain when I think of my poor little girl's emptiness and sorrow.
When I got home Bailee called, she wanted me to go to find a picture frame for her letter from the tissue bank. She also had a certificate from Governor Doyle that was a commendation for Stephen's donation. She was determined to frame these things, it was like a thread of goodness among all the bad.
All I could think of was Bailee's description of her last evening with the baby. She said she gave him a bath and for the first time, he liked it. She changed her technique this time where she climbed into the tub with him and he enjoyed it. She said she dressed him in his mommy's little cutie pajamas, fed him and cuddled him. She said he rolled on his side for the first time that night. She called it a perfect evening with Stephen. It breaks my heart every time I thnk of it. And today I could not get the vision of Stephen's beautiful last evening out of my head. And of all the trauma of what they went through when they discovered him later. The whole thing is compounded by having to go pick up the baby's remains tomorrow and how painful it will be.
Jeff called in the afternoon to check on me and he reported that Bailee had called him. She got a letter from the tissue bank stating that two babies had benefitted from Stephen's heart valves. She was feeling better than she had in a long time since she felt like something good came out of his horribly untimely death. It just made me cry uncontrollably again. He was hoping for a different effect and wished he would have waited until I got home. I really don't think it matters and I am glad he told me.
I cannot breathe I am in so much distress. At the end of the day, I am proud of myself for pushing all the way through. But I can hardly contain my pain when I think of my poor little girl's emptiness and sorrow.
When I got home Bailee called, she wanted me to go to find a picture frame for her letter from the tissue bank. She also had a certificate from Governor Doyle that was a commendation for Stephen's donation. She was determined to frame these things, it was like a thread of goodness among all the bad.
We are going to dinner for Jen's birthday tonight. Matt took her out yesterday so we went out the day after her birthday. It will be nice to see Bailee and Jen together. Jen asked a lot of questions about funeral expenses. I explained to her how the funeral home offered to to many of the services for free but there are certain things that would definitely have to be paid for. Bailee showed her the bill. This conversation felt matter-of-fact, like an exercise in behavior that required no tears for a change.
We drove to Riviera Maya in Bay View. We talk of nothing but sadness. But the food is good, the atmosphere is quiet and comforting and it is good to be there together. There's not much more to say.
We drove to Riviera Maya in Bay View. We talk of nothing but sadness. But the food is good, the atmosphere is quiet and comforting and it is good to be there together. There's not much more to say.
Going back to work was very difficult in some ways. Keeping my composure was so difficult but knowing there was much understanding and support surrounding me, made it bearable. I did give myself a headache trying to hold it together. So many people came by to offer condolences that I felt very blessed.
The gym was a really good thing. That's one distraction that I think will work well for me.
The gym was a really good thing. That's one distraction that I think will work well for me.
Jeff needs a change. We went to my mother's to just hang out for a little while. Kelly made lunch for us. Jeff hung out in the backyard with Greg while Kelly and I played games with Ed and Stan. It did feel good to get out of the house. Unexpectedly, we were still there when the Superbowl started and the next thing we knew we were eating dinner. It was great to have someone take care of us for a little while. We headed home at half time so we could get ready to go back to work. Not that I am ready for that.
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