We cleaned the house and decided to venture out and face public situations. We didn't know how this would go but we had to do it. I really needed cat food so I couldn't back out. We went to Petco then went over to Office Depot. I needed more photo paper, I had run out printing the baby's pictures. The paper was on sale, buy 100 sheets and get 100 free. As I stood in line, I started to feel the pain coming, all I could think of was that I would never be able to fill those sheets of paper with Stephen's photos, there weren't going to be enough of them. The sadness is so overwhelming but I find deep breathing really helps.
The kids came to open up the cards that keep coming. So we counted up the cash and discussed where the donations need to be sent. I suggested that we wait since cards keep coming in. Adam wants to pay the funeral bill today. The funeral home hasn't processed the bill yet so he has to wait. I think everyone is getting antsy. They stayed at their house last night without incident. This was a good thing. If there can be a good thing.
Over the last few days we have been looking for support groups, answers, things to help us through. There is not much available. And it seems so complicated anyway. No one is thinking straight.
I decided to try and get my shit together and actually cook a dinner. I made lasagne. Through the long process of cooking, I discovered that keeping busy was really helpful. So I made creme brulee as well. And the ritual of sitting down to a nice dinner in my kitchen was calming.
Jeff is concerned since I cannot sleep without sleep aids. He needs to cut me some slack. I need the sleep, it's the only time I can feel no pain.
Over the last few days we have been looking for support groups, answers, things to help us through. There is not much available. And it seems so complicated anyway. No one is thinking straight.
I decided to try and get my shit together and actually cook a dinner. I made lasagne. Through the long process of cooking, I discovered that keeping busy was really helpful. So I made creme brulee as well. And the ritual of sitting down to a nice dinner in my kitchen was calming.
Jeff is concerned since I cannot sleep without sleep aids. He needs to cut me some slack. I need the sleep, it's the only time I can feel no pain.
The kids are coming to get the cats today. It's time for them to go home. They have a plan where Adam's brother Alec will come stay with them if it gets too hard to be in the house alone. The devastating reminders of that day haunt them. I'm glad to know they are trying to move forward. They stopped to see their co-workers today which was very difficult for them. They both work for the same company which is owned by Adam's step-dad so it gets very personal. Work is their extended family and it's a hard visit.
Here at home, we have our own difficulties. Jeff sobs in his sleep. He gets up and the sight of the baby's little horsey toy makes him cry. It's all we have left to hold on to. We realize that this is the first time since this happened that we can wholly feel our own pain. We spent so much time concentrating on helping the kids that we really didn't have the opportunity to feel our own sorrow.
I have a car full of baby things and I cannot face the day. I need to contact work, I need to find a place to put the baby things. All my strength only gets me to the computer to e-mail work. That's all I thinking I can do today. The pain in my heart has become physical. Every bone in my body aches. But Bailee calls and says she will stop by to get some of her things so I mustered up the energy to move the baby's things into storage.
Bailee did stop by and she wanted me to go to Target with her. I told her I was going to Olive Garden for soup and salad and she decided to come along. The lunch was nice but the trip to Target, not so nice. Everything in the store was a reminder of all the things we would buy for baby. We both walked out mentioning that it would be a long time before we could go back again.
The cards keep coming.
Here at home, we have our own difficulties. Jeff sobs in his sleep. He gets up and the sight of the baby's little horsey toy makes him cry. It's all we have left to hold on to. We realize that this is the first time since this happened that we can wholly feel our own pain. We spent so much time concentrating on helping the kids that we really didn't have the opportunity to feel our own sorrow.
I have a car full of baby things and I cannot face the day. I need to contact work, I need to find a place to put the baby things. All my strength only gets me to the computer to e-mail work. That's all I thinking I can do today. The pain in my heart has become physical. Every bone in my body aches. But Bailee calls and says she will stop by to get some of her things so I mustered up the energy to move the baby's things into storage.
Bailee did stop by and she wanted me to go to Target with her. I told her I was going to Olive Garden for soup and salad and she decided to come along. The lunch was nice but the trip to Target, not so nice. Everything in the store was a reminder of all the things we would buy for baby. We both walked out mentioning that it would be a long time before we could go back again.
The cards keep coming.
The cats joyfully greeted us in the morning. After they hid away together for the last day or two, it was nice that they decided to trust us. Although they still haven't eaten much. I gave them treats which they ate, but they weren't really interested in their dish of food which makes me worry.
The cards keep coming. We started to open them and began the process of writing thank yous on Sunday. It was very difficult and time consuming so it was just a start. The amazing outpouring of love and concern is overwhelming. Funny how all the notes and cards are meant to help comfort yet every one we read makes us cry. We are blessed to have so many wonderful people in our lives. It is really sad that it takes something this terrible to make us aware of how truly lucky we are.
I washed the sheets. Before I did, I took a photo of them, stains and all. I don't know why I am obsessed with recording every part of this nightmare. I even took pictures of all the flowers before they start to fade.
We went to Wal-Mart to get more bins, stopped at Blockbuster to rent some movies, and went back home. There is no ambition to do anything. So we laid around and watched movies all afternoon. Bailee called saying she was heading back to the house. They decided they wanted to move their bed into the baby's room. They still could't face sleeping in the place where the baby died. The call got us up and moving. We headed over to the house where I finished packing up the baby's things. Jeff and Adam moved the bed into the now emptied nursery and Bailee put on the new sheets. I gave her the bag of sheets that I washed and told her to throw them in the back of her closet.
Bailee and I packed the bins into my truck. She wanted the stuff out of the house and I wanted to protect it and keep it safe for when she is ready to look at it. Jeff and Adam took all the recycling and garbage out and Sandy finished cleaning the bathroom. We left them around 7. They were all going to Adam's aunt's house to spend the night.
It is hard to believe that a week has gone by since our sweet baby left us. And nothing gets any easier.
The cards keep coming. We started to open them and began the process of writing thank yous on Sunday. It was very difficult and time consuming so it was just a start. The amazing outpouring of love and concern is overwhelming. Funny how all the notes and cards are meant to help comfort yet every one we read makes us cry. We are blessed to have so many wonderful people in our lives. It is really sad that it takes something this terrible to make us aware of how truly lucky we are.
I washed the sheets. Before I did, I took a photo of them, stains and all. I don't know why I am obsessed with recording every part of this nightmare. I even took pictures of all the flowers before they start to fade.
We went to Wal-Mart to get more bins, stopped at Blockbuster to rent some movies, and went back home. There is no ambition to do anything. So we laid around and watched movies all afternoon. Bailee called saying she was heading back to the house. They decided they wanted to move their bed into the baby's room. They still could't face sleeping in the place where the baby died. The call got us up and moving. We headed over to the house where I finished packing up the baby's things. Jeff and Adam moved the bed into the now emptied nursery and Bailee put on the new sheets. I gave her the bag of sheets that I washed and told her to throw them in the back of her closet.
Bailee and I packed the bins into my truck. She wanted the stuff out of the house and I wanted to protect it and keep it safe for when she is ready to look at it. Jeff and Adam took all the recycling and garbage out and Sandy finished cleaning the bathroom. We left them around 7. They were all going to Adam's aunt's house to spend the night.
It is hard to believe that a week has gone by since our sweet baby left us. And nothing gets any easier.
Bailee and Adam wanted to put away the baby's things. Looking at them was too painful for them. I told her I would go with her to buy some rubbermaid bins to protect his belongings. She said she would call when she was ready to go.
The day wore on painfully. I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't get dressed. Bailee is not one for getting up early. I wish she was because that would be my only motivation to get moving. But since I have none I just lay around in the dark. Looking at funeral flowers around the house just makes things worse.
When Bailee finally called she had already bought some bins so we were going to meet her at her house. So we went over there to try and help them clean their house. By the time we got there Sandy had already been cleaning. Jeff picked up all the garbage. I helped Bailee pack up baby things. Adam and Jeff took apart the crib and changing table. After we finished filling the bins, there was still a lot of things to put away. I told them I would get more bins in the morning.
The bed sheets had to be dealt with. Since the baby died in their bed, they could barely stand to go into the room. I stripped the sheets and wiped and traces of the blood and mucous left behind on the mattress. She told me to throw the sheets away but I decided to take them home to wash them and tuck them away just in case. In case of what I have no idea.
Late in the evening, we took the kids over to Celito Lindo for some dinner. We had a few drinks and fed them then went home. They decided to stay over at Adam's dad's place. The dogs were there and they wanted to spend some time with them. They got through a tough hurdle, spending time at the house. They aren't ready to sleep there but this was a good step forward.
The day wore on painfully. I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't get dressed. Bailee is not one for getting up early. I wish she was because that would be my only motivation to get moving. But since I have none I just lay around in the dark. Looking at funeral flowers around the house just makes things worse.
When Bailee finally called she had already bought some bins so we were going to meet her at her house. So we went over there to try and help them clean their house. By the time we got there Sandy had already been cleaning. Jeff picked up all the garbage. I helped Bailee pack up baby things. Adam and Jeff took apart the crib and changing table. After we finished filling the bins, there was still a lot of things to put away. I told them I would get more bins in the morning.
The bed sheets had to be dealt with. Since the baby died in their bed, they could barely stand to go into the room. I stripped the sheets and wiped and traces of the blood and mucous left behind on the mattress. She told me to throw the sheets away but I decided to take them home to wash them and tuck them away just in case. In case of what I have no idea.
Late in the evening, we took the kids over to Celito Lindo for some dinner. We had a few drinks and fed them then went home. They decided to stay over at Adam's dad's place. The dogs were there and they wanted to spend some time with them. They got through a tough hurdle, spending time at the house. They aren't ready to sleep there but this was a good step forward.
I got up at 5, just couldn't sleep. Everyone was coming home for breakfast today so I wrote a grocery list for Jeff and made a loaf of bread. After all, with breakfast at 10, I have 5 hours to get it done. As the morning progressed, all the kids were here and my brother's family came too. It was nice to busy ourselves with all the activities of Mike's kids. Aubrey and Seth were pretty active and baby Sedona was quiet. She is too young to notice all the activity surrounding her. BJ, Lauren, Mike, and Adam played Wii games. Jeff was cooking so there was activity everywhere. It was a nice distraction. Bailee and Carmen and I relaxed at the kitchen table.
We had eggs, bacon, hash browns, fresh fruit, homemade toast, juice and coffee. Jeff got some really good bakery at Sendik's so that was also served. Everything was eaten in no time. Mike and Carmen packed up the kids to head back to Menomonie. Bailee admitted she was having a tough time looking at baby Sedona so it was the right time for them to head out.
It got a lot quieter in the house and there was an extra sadness handing in the air. BJ's departure time was coming close. We had to get him to the airport at 4. Bailee and Adam left to go visit some of Adam's relatives and the rest of us just laid around. The kids just can't bear to go home yet, so Adam's brother has been taking care of their two dogs and we got the cats. All the cats seem so traumatized, and hopefully we can calm them. Toby doesn't seem to mind them in his space, I think they all have a sense that something is not right. The kids said they would be back tonight.
We said good-bye to Lauren and got BJ to the airport then headed back home. It felt dreadful knowing we had nothing left to distract us, there was nothing left except our pain. We looked forward to the kids coming back and when they did we ordered some pizzas. It wasn't long after that I said good night. After all, I got up at 5. I can't imagine how things could ever get better. Not ever.
We had eggs, bacon, hash browns, fresh fruit, homemade toast, juice and coffee. Jeff got some really good bakery at Sendik's so that was also served. Everything was eaten in no time. Mike and Carmen packed up the kids to head back to Menomonie. Bailee admitted she was having a tough time looking at baby Sedona so it was the right time for them to head out.
It got a lot quieter in the house and there was an extra sadness handing in the air. BJ's departure time was coming close. We had to get him to the airport at 4. Bailee and Adam left to go visit some of Adam's relatives and the rest of us just laid around. The kids just can't bear to go home yet, so Adam's brother has been taking care of their two dogs and we got the cats. All the cats seem so traumatized, and hopefully we can calm them. Toby doesn't seem to mind them in his space, I think they all have a sense that something is not right. The kids said they would be back tonight.
We said good-bye to Lauren and got BJ to the airport then headed back home. It felt dreadful knowing we had nothing left to distract us, there was nothing left except our pain. We looked forward to the kids coming back and when they did we ordered some pizzas. It wasn't long after that I said good night. After all, I got up at 5. I can't imagine how things could ever get better. Not ever.
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