My turn to grieve

I got to the gym this morning with this overwhelming feeling of sadness, almost worse than yesterday. I couldn't place the feeling, didn't know why my mood was so overwhelmingly terrible. I thought Mother's Day was pretty terrible but today seems so much worse. I had my running clothes on, but I just couldn't do it. The temperature was 37 degrees this morning, cold but I have run in much colder temperatures. It was a good excuse to stay in and I was so weak it was all I needed to cave in.

I hopped on the recumbant bike with my Kindle 2 and started to read. My headphones were on and the book was a great distraction. Except that the sad parts made me cry. I was a basket case. My friend Steve finished his workout on the treadmill and came over to the bike, put his arm on my shoulder and wished me a happy belated Mother's Day. I said thank you through many tears. I was out of control. I headed into the locker room and when I hit the shower, I sobbed for 20 minutes straight. I was glad no one shows up to the gym in the morning since I was so out of control.

I slowly got dressed and headed to my desk. I made sure I had my headphones with me because I could not handle hearing about everyone's happy weekend. I didn't understand why my emotions were worse today. Marilyn stopped by to see if I was OK and of course, I was crying again. She understands more than most since her partner's son died last year. She is a seasoned griever of a child. I felt relief that most everyone knew not to ask me about yesterday. They seemed to understand that the answer was going to be pretty awful.

I spent the evening deep in thought, reflecting on the past two days. I realized that today I was crying for me and for my loss. This was another event without the baby, no new milestones, just memories of a minute in time that will effect our eternity. Yesterday we cried for Bailee and her loss, we comforted her, cried with her, did the best we could for her. But today was about my own grief. It was like catching up with the feelings I had yesterday but had to suspend. It was my day to let it out.