Thinking about the future is hard. Everything is tempered with this pain in my heart. But I keep telling myself that planning things, getting things done is therapeutic. Of course, I don't know what I am talking about so I just make it up as I go. Anything to take my mind elsewhere cannot be a bad thing, can it? At the very least it keeps me preoccupied with thoughts other than the baby.
So I am thinking about craft fairs, motorcycle trips, and a vacations. I am not sure I have the energy to plan these things but I find it distracting in thinking about planning them.
As for really getting something done today, I am writing more thank you cards. I still have a stack to write so I hope I can get through some of them. It's so emotionally draining to do, so little by little I will get through this next hurdle. I still have flower arrangements that need tending. Bailee wants to dry the flowers and keep them which means I have to take care of it since she is not emotionally equipped to get to it. Whatever I can do to help her I will do.
An amazing thing has been happening. People that I don't even know are sending me wonderful notes of sympathy and encouragement on this blog. I cannot even describe how touching and comforting that is. When over 100 people showed up for the baby's funeral the funeral director said it gave him a renewed faith in humanity. That's exactly what the comments on my blog are doing for me.
If I could add you all to my list of those I have to write thank you notes for, I would.
Dear Baby,
Today grandpa hung new birdfeeders. One is for the finches and the other is a platform designed for the cardinals. There are 6 total feeders to fill now. Grandpa gets so much joy watching the birds in the backyard. He hoped for you to tag along when he fills the finch feeders with niger, the cardinals get safflower seeds, and the juncos get mixed bird seed. There is also special seed for the woodpeckers and whole corn for the ducks. I just feed peanuts to the squirrels. That way they just might leave the birds alone. It was our hope that you would someday appreciate all that nature give us, the beauty and grace of watching the birds is better than anything on television. It is important that you understand the delicate balance of nature and help do your part to preserve the wildlife. We want to teach you how important it is to do no harm, to cohabitate with the creatures living around us and make them a part of your life. Today it snowed all day so the birds really relied on the seed in the feeders. Grandpa was thrilled when 3 male and 2 female cardinals were in the new platform feeder.
Today grandpa hung new birdfeeders. One is for the finches and the other is a platform designed for the cardinals. There are 6 total feeders to fill now. Grandpa gets so much joy watching the birds in the backyard. He hoped for you to tag along when he fills the finch feeders with niger, the cardinals get safflower seeds, and the juncos get mixed bird seed. There is also special seed for the woodpeckers and whole corn for the ducks. I just feed peanuts to the squirrels. That way they just might leave the birds alone. It was our hope that you would someday appreciate all that nature give us, the beauty and grace of watching the birds is better than anything on television. It is important that you understand the delicate balance of nature and help do your part to preserve the wildlife. We want to teach you how important it is to do no harm, to cohabitate with the creatures living around us and make them a part of your life. Today it snowed all day so the birds really relied on the seed in the feeders. Grandpa was thrilled when 3 male and 2 female cardinals were in the new platform feeder.
It was one month ago today that our sweet baby boy died. Every passing mark of time, no matter how insignificant seems magnified. Every Wednesday marks another week without him, and now every 21st will mark another month without him. Since his death, I have not been able to see anything but darkness, no future, nothing but a black hole without any ending. My dreams are the opposite, though. Not black but all white, like being in an airplane, looking out and seeing nothing but clouds. Even the clouds have no end, there is nothing in the future but an endless view of nothing. I feel like I am covered with a heavy blanket of dispair and I am not strong enough to lift it. Not that I want to try.
But this morning I got up feeling fidgety. Like I should be creative. I collected the funeral cards up that have been scattered around the house and put them in one pile. I picked out some of the wilted flowers from the last funeral bouquet. Some of the flowers are drying for Bailee. She wants to keep some from every arrangement she got so I have them in a cardboard container in the dining room. It feels a little like progress.
It's snowing pretty hard this morning. There's a pretty white blanket of snow covering everything and the world looks clean and fresh, like a blank canvas. In my creative mood, I am thinking about how I will spend spring creating a memorial garden for Stephen. I have the location picked out. Maybe I can look forward a little bit.
But this morning I got up feeling fidgety. Like I should be creative. I collected the funeral cards up that have been scattered around the house and put them in one pile. I picked out some of the wilted flowers from the last funeral bouquet. Some of the flowers are drying for Bailee. She wants to keep some from every arrangement she got so I have them in a cardboard container in the dining room. It feels a little like progress.
It's snowing pretty hard this morning. There's a pretty white blanket of snow covering everything and the world looks clean and fresh, like a blank canvas. In my creative mood, I am thinking about how I will spend spring creating a memorial garden for Stephen. I have the location picked out. Maybe I can look forward a little bit.
We went to our first Compassionate Friends meeting last night. It wasn't easy. I was ready to back out and Bailee was ready to go. So it was good to have that little push to get me out the door. When we pulled into the Community Center parking lot, it was a different story. She didn't want to get out of the car. From her heavy sighs, I could tell this was very tough for her. I got out and told her I understood if she wanted to go back home. I suggested that we go in and say hi to Tom then we can go back home if she wants. But we stayed.
The meeting was big; there were many people there, which is too bad. That just means lots of sorrow, lots of losses. There was a couple there who also lost a baby to SIDS. It was nice to hear others talk about hope, feelings of sadness, feelings of frustration, fear, and disbelief. All the same things I think about. It is true that this group makes me feel less alone but I don't feel like we belong either.
Compassionate Friends is for people who lost a child, and more than half of these people lost grown up children, not babies or toddlers, or young people. And I couldn't really connect with those whose children had grown up to have children and have all the experiences that our baby will never know. It just doesn't feel quite like we fit real well with this group.
I did feel bad for the couple who lost their son to the war in Iraq, the man whose 14 year old daughter was killed in a snowmobile accident, and the woman whose baby lived for a day. In fact she brought birthday treats because her son would have been 1 year old this month.
I did get something out of it, no doubt about that, but I thought it would be different. We will go back next month to see if we can connect with the other SIDS couple.
The meeting was big; there were many people there, which is too bad. That just means lots of sorrow, lots of losses. There was a couple there who also lost a baby to SIDS. It was nice to hear others talk about hope, feelings of sadness, feelings of frustration, fear, and disbelief. All the same things I think about. It is true that this group makes me feel less alone but I don't feel like we belong either.
Compassionate Friends is for people who lost a child, and more than half of these people lost grown up children, not babies or toddlers, or young people. And I couldn't really connect with those whose children had grown up to have children and have all the experiences that our baby will never know. It just doesn't feel quite like we fit real well with this group.
I did feel bad for the couple who lost their son to the war in Iraq, the man whose 14 year old daughter was killed in a snowmobile accident, and the woman whose baby lived for a day. In fact she brought birthday treats because her son would have been 1 year old this month.
I did get something out of it, no doubt about that, but I thought it would be different. We will go back next month to see if we can connect with the other SIDS couple.
The day started ok. Jeff went out early in the morning and came back with Great Harvest bread, a dozen roses, and a valentines card. I was feeling almost human, so we went out to do some grocery shopping to buy lobster and steak for dinner. After all, it is valentine's day.
We busied ourselves all day, with cleaning and cooking and trying to forget for a little while. It wasn't until dinner that it hit me. All the valentines cookies, homemade crafts, and celebrations I was going to have with our little boy would never be. There would be no valentines for grandma.
How am I going to get through a real holiday when I cannot even handle a stupid non-holiday like valentines day?
We busied ourselves all day, with cleaning and cooking and trying to forget for a little while. It wasn't until dinner that it hit me. All the valentines cookies, homemade crafts, and celebrations I was going to have with our little boy would never be. There would be no valentines for grandma.
How am I going to get through a real holiday when I cannot even handle a stupid non-holiday like valentines day?
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