Yesterday I got to work and those around me could tell something was wrong. But I couldn't even dare to say it. Even as I am writing this, I feel my eyes welling up, unable to continue. It will eventually take me all day to finish but maybe by writing it down completely, I can get over the horror that I witnessed and move on. At least I hope I can.
The day started as it usually does, shower, coffee, get dressed and head out the door. I felt the usual distractions as I got in my car and headed down the driveway. When will I go workout? What do I want to do at lunchtime? Are there any errands I can get done on my way home? I find the drive to work boring so I tend to make lists of these things in my head. I was less than a mile from home, on the long stretch of Howell Avenue that takes me to I-794 when I noticed that the cars in the opposite direction were just stopped sort of in the middle of the street. Howell Avenue is six lanes across with a very wide median separating the northbound from the southbound lanes. So the expanse of lanes in the other direction tends to fade from view due to the distance from one side of the road to the other.
I couldn't help but look back to see what was holding up the traffic. And there it was. A goose, lying on its back flailing helplessly, neck straining in an attempt to get itself off of the cold, hard pavement. And to no avail, the bird flapped its large wings in a feeble attempt to right itself. It's mates stood in the median waiting patiently for the guy to get up. He strained and strained to get up.
I could see by its colors that it was a male. There were two females just waiting for him. He struggled and struggled as traffic watched in horror. All I could do was keep driving. The groan I let out at the sight of this poor creature would have been heard by others if I had my car window open. I immediately tried to fight back tears from the sorrowful sight of this struggle. But I could not contain my sadness. As I got to the next block and the red light, I almost bumped the car in front of me from trying to see through my tears.
I tried to convince myself that everything would be OK. With traffic all tied up a cop would show up and rescue the bird. Or maybe mother nature would be kind and the bird would just stop suffering. It's hard to think of nature taking its course when such an unnatural thing happens. It had to have gotten hit by a car or truck. And how could someone hit it and keep going? I did not understand. Maybe it was a truck that nicked it and didn't know, that had to be it. No one could be cruel enough to just leave, could they? Doesn't matter as long as it's rescued. So I pray for the bird.
Now if I could only get rid of that horrible image.
Another day with not much to say, like the memes, here's one of those dumb lists that tell more about me. Or more about my strange desire to fill them out....
[1] What is your middlename: Beth
[2] What color is your mailbox: White
[3] What kind of car do you drive: 2003 Hyundai Santa Fe - aka SUV - aka Bin Laden Mobile.
[4] Have you ever hit a deer: No but a deer hit me once. I think his noggin took a floggin' and off he went into the woods to hide from the embarrassment.
[5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home: Yes. The infamous Hoan.
[6] Do you get the paper delivered to your house in the morning: No.
[7] Who checks the mail in your house: Jeff.
[8] Do you have a small driveway: It's short and fat so I guess that's not small at all.
[9] Do you know anyone with the same ringtone as you: Never paid attention to such mundane trivia.
[10] What do you do first in the morning: Pee.
[11] What brand is your printer: Canon.
[12] Do you enjoy fighting with people: No, I don't like the idea of losing control emotionally.
[13] Is your hair naturally straight or curly: Naturally curly.
[14] Who was your kindergarten teacher: I have no idea. That was so long ago.
[15] Are your teeth crooked: No, too far apart.
[16] Are you taller than your mother: No. And pretty much not taller than anyone else either.
[17] Do you have a favorite word: Onomatopoeia.
[18] What color is the interior of your car: Beige.
[19] What do you do to get over a broken heart: Remind myself that I will be stronger when I get through this.
[20] Do you have a deep dark secret: Yes.
[21] Do you know anyone who never rode a bike: Yes, my 5-month old baby niece, Aubrey.
[22] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens: Yes, more than I like to admit.
[23] Does anything hurt on your body right now: Yes, my shoulders from riding in a 50K bike ride yesterday.
[24] Do you often cry during movies: Yes, unfortunately I am a sap.
[25] Do you hate your life: No way.
[26] Do you get mad easily: Irritated and impatient, yes but mad, no.
[27] Do you drink to get drunk: No.
[28] What is your biggest pet peeve: When people ask you something and they don't listen for the answer.
[29] What is your away message: Call my cell phone and find out for yourself.
[30] Do any of your friends have kids: Yes. Most of them.
[32] Who should pay on the first date: The person who did the asking out.
[33] How many years older than you are you willing to date: I think the question should be how many years younger?
[34] Do you have any friends: Yes, but never enough.
[35] Do you have any mean friends: No, I am the mean friend to everyone else.
[36] What is the ugliest color in your opinion: Teal.
[37] Have you ever liked someone who all your friends couldn't stand: Yes, his name is Ray.
[38] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff, seriously: Yes. Thank God for Lexapro.
[39] Have you ever been fired from a job: No.
[40] What year was your house built: 1989.
[41] When was the last time you slept in someone elses bed: Last Thanksgiving.
[43] How tall are you: 5'2".
[44] What is the closest green object: The plant on my bookshelf.
[45] What is on your feet: One shoe's on and the other's off.
[46] Do you always wear underwear: No.
[48] Do you want to have kids: No, I already have more than my fair share.
[49] How many years apart are you and your next sibling: If my brother was still alive I could say 3 years but since he's not the answer is 5 years.
[50] Who is the last friend you have, that you would ever expect to be gay: Sheila, the slut. Or maybe Stephanie, the maneater.
[51] When was the last time you had a girls night or guys night: Never. Sounds like a really bad idea.
[52] Whats your mothers middle name: Judith.
[53] Stupidest movie you ever saw: Hmmm, stupid - Howard the Duck.
[54] Do you collect comic books: No, just comic strips.
[55] Do you look like your dad: Yes.
[56] Do you have any TV shows on DVD: Yes, Northern Exposure.
[57] Are you wearing makeup: Yes.
[58] Do you have a tattoo: Yes, more than one.
[1] What is your middlename: Beth
[2] What color is your mailbox: White
[3] What kind of car do you drive: 2003 Hyundai Santa Fe - aka SUV - aka Bin Laden Mobile.
[4] Have you ever hit a deer: No but a deer hit me once. I think his noggin took a floggin' and off he went into the woods to hide from the embarrassment.
[5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home: Yes. The infamous Hoan.
[6] Do you get the paper delivered to your house in the morning: No.
[7] Who checks the mail in your house: Jeff.
[8] Do you have a small driveway: It's short and fat so I guess that's not small at all.
[9] Do you know anyone with the same ringtone as you: Never paid attention to such mundane trivia.
[10] What do you do first in the morning: Pee.
[11] What brand is your printer: Canon.
[12] Do you enjoy fighting with people: No, I don't like the idea of losing control emotionally.
[13] Is your hair naturally straight or curly: Naturally curly.
[14] Who was your kindergarten teacher: I have no idea. That was so long ago.
[15] Are your teeth crooked: No, too far apart.
[16] Are you taller than your mother: No. And pretty much not taller than anyone else either.
[17] Do you have a favorite word: Onomatopoeia.
[18] What color is the interior of your car: Beige.
[19] What do you do to get over a broken heart: Remind myself that I will be stronger when I get through this.
[20] Do you have a deep dark secret: Yes.
[21] Do you know anyone who never rode a bike: Yes, my 5-month old baby niece, Aubrey.
[22] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens: Yes, more than I like to admit.
[23] Does anything hurt on your body right now: Yes, my shoulders from riding in a 50K bike ride yesterday.
[24] Do you often cry during movies: Yes, unfortunately I am a sap.
[25] Do you hate your life: No way.
[26] Do you get mad easily: Irritated and impatient, yes but mad, no.
[27] Do you drink to get drunk: No.
[28] What is your biggest pet peeve: When people ask you something and they don't listen for the answer.
[29] What is your away message: Call my cell phone and find out for yourself.
[30] Do any of your friends have kids: Yes. Most of them.
[32] Who should pay on the first date: The person who did the asking out.
[33] How many years older than you are you willing to date: I think the question should be how many years younger?
[34] Do you have any friends: Yes, but never enough.
[35] Do you have any mean friends: No, I am the mean friend to everyone else.
[36] What is the ugliest color in your opinion: Teal.
[37] Have you ever liked someone who all your friends couldn't stand: Yes, his name is Ray.
[38] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff, seriously: Yes. Thank God for Lexapro.
[39] Have you ever been fired from a job: No.
[40] What year was your house built: 1989.
[41] When was the last time you slept in someone elses bed: Last Thanksgiving.
[43] How tall are you: 5'2".
[44] What is the closest green object: The plant on my bookshelf.
[45] What is on your feet: One shoe's on and the other's off.
[46] Do you always wear underwear: No.
[48] Do you want to have kids: No, I already have more than my fair share.
[49] How many years apart are you and your next sibling: If my brother was still alive I could say 3 years but since he's not the answer is 5 years.
[50] Who is the last friend you have, that you would ever expect to be gay: Sheila, the slut. Or maybe Stephanie, the maneater.
[51] When was the last time you had a girls night or guys night: Never. Sounds like a really bad idea.
[52] Whats your mothers middle name: Judith.
[53] Stupidest movie you ever saw: Hmmm, stupid - Howard the Duck.
[54] Do you collect comic books: No, just comic strips.
[55] Do you look like your dad: Yes.
[56] Do you have any TV shows on DVD: Yes, Northern Exposure.
[57] Are you wearing makeup: Yes.
[58] Do you have a tattoo: Yes, more than one.
This show is getting old and unbearable. How can Jack continue to be at the right place at the right time and save the world? He gets into places no one else can and gets people to cooperate when it defies all logic. And what's with that whole tape recording? Why didn't he just play it over his phone into Chloe's voice mail so there was more than one copy? Then Chloe could play it for whoever is in charge at CTU this week. Geez. I could save the world more efficiently than these people. I don't know what makes me madder, this show's ability to insult my intelligence or my unwillingness to stop watching. I made a commitment in the beginning and I am hanging in until the end. Soon it will all be over. Thank God.
Mother's Day started out quietly just as I like it. I started the day with my favorite routine, the newspaper and a fresh pot of coffee. The kids said they would be by early in the afternoon so my quite time should last a while. I decided it would be nice to provide some lunch so we headed out to Grasch's for some hot ham and rolls. Along with many other wonderful items the little, exquisite grocery store has to offer.
On our way back home I decided to stop at the Nextel store. Both Grasch's and Nextel are on the same path, both happen to be out of the way from home though. Since we had gone out of the way already it seemed silly not to stop there too. We pulled into the lot at 10:05 wondering if they were open and it just happened they opened at 10. Perfect. Plus there is no one else here. That's even better. So I started my quest for a new cell phone. Jeff was busy with the clerk at the counter trying to get BJ's new Blackberry going. BJ spent close to two hours on the phone yesterday trying to get everything straightened out and they said his phone would be activated within 4 hours. Here it is Sunday and it's still not working. Part of the problem I think is that he got the phone from a friend so it seems setting up a third party phone is a little more complicated. The clerk, Heather was very helpful but the process was time consuming. Since BJ was at home it took two phone calls to get all the information off the phone to get it going. Plus a solid 45 minutes of computer work. Not to mention that Jeff had many questions about his new phone plan and what it was going to cost him to have three people on this new plan.
In the meantime, I narrowed down my phone choices by feature, price, and style. I had three picked out. The clerk came over and said she could probably help narrow my choices down even more. I pointed to the ones I was looking at. She picked up the first one and said the battery doesn't last as long as the others. She picked the second one up and said it's the one they get the most dropped call complaints about. So I said, "This one it is!" Pointing to the third phone in the group. I think she was a little shocked that I made it so easy. It's just a damn cell phone, I really don't care that much.
So we started the activation process all over with my new phone. Because we were transferring my old number over from Verizon, she needed some information from me and we got that going. Lastly, I picked out a phone for Bailee in the style she requested. Luckily that one was free. Since she wanted to remove herself from her ex-creepy boyfriend she had no interest in transferring her old number so this was the easiest activation of the three.
By the time we left it was 11:45. Almost two hours getting phones but at least it was finally done. I'm finally through with Verizon and all the problems with my old cell phone. We got home and Jen had already been by leaving a basket with tropical hibiscus plants and cute flamingo planters. There was also a bottle of Grey Goose and a Yankee candle on the table. Talk about great loot! My kids left me some very nice gifts but I missed them. And they said early afternoon. It's not even noon yet.
I turns out Jen's plans changed with her in-laws and she couldn't make it. I was sorry I missed them and I threw in my motherly guilt by telling them, " that's ok, I was going to make Matt some chocolate chip cookies so now I don't have to." Bailee came home at noon and BJ got his butt out of bed, we had some ham and rolls. Even Toby (aka Jeff) gave me a nice gift. The day was perfect.
On our way back home I decided to stop at the Nextel store. Both Grasch's and Nextel are on the same path, both happen to be out of the way from home though. Since we had gone out of the way already it seemed silly not to stop there too. We pulled into the lot at 10:05 wondering if they were open and it just happened they opened at 10. Perfect. Plus there is no one else here. That's even better. So I started my quest for a new cell phone. Jeff was busy with the clerk at the counter trying to get BJ's new Blackberry going. BJ spent close to two hours on the phone yesterday trying to get everything straightened out and they said his phone would be activated within 4 hours. Here it is Sunday and it's still not working. Part of the problem I think is that he got the phone from a friend so it seems setting up a third party phone is a little more complicated. The clerk, Heather was very helpful but the process was time consuming. Since BJ was at home it took two phone calls to get all the information off the phone to get it going. Plus a solid 45 minutes of computer work. Not to mention that Jeff had many questions about his new phone plan and what it was going to cost him to have three people on this new plan.
In the meantime, I narrowed down my phone choices by feature, price, and style. I had three picked out. The clerk came over and said she could probably help narrow my choices down even more. I pointed to the ones I was looking at. She picked up the first one and said the battery doesn't last as long as the others. She picked the second one up and said it's the one they get the most dropped call complaints about. So I said, "This one it is!" Pointing to the third phone in the group. I think she was a little shocked that I made it so easy. It's just a damn cell phone, I really don't care that much.
So we started the activation process all over with my new phone. Because we were transferring my old number over from Verizon, she needed some information from me and we got that going. Lastly, I picked out a phone for Bailee in the style she requested. Luckily that one was free. Since she wanted to remove herself from her ex-creepy boyfriend she had no interest in transferring her old number so this was the easiest activation of the three.
By the time we left it was 11:45. Almost two hours getting phones but at least it was finally done. I'm finally through with Verizon and all the problems with my old cell phone. We got home and Jen had already been by leaving a basket with tropical hibiscus plants and cute flamingo planters. There was also a bottle of Grey Goose and a Yankee candle on the table. Talk about great loot! My kids left me some very nice gifts but I missed them. And they said early afternoon. It's not even noon yet.
I turns out Jen's plans changed with her in-laws and she couldn't make it. I was sorry I missed them and I threw in my motherly guilt by telling them, " that's ok, I was going to make Matt some chocolate chip cookies so now I don't have to." Bailee came home at noon and BJ got his butt out of bed, we had some ham and rolls. Even Toby (aka Jeff) gave me a nice gift. The day was perfect.
The second Thursday of every month our church volunteers to feed the homeless. We meet in the parking lot at church and drive as a group to St. Vincent DePaul. It's located in a poorer, Hispanic area of Milwaukee. We bring the milk to serve with dinner. We carry in 50 gallons for tonight. The meal consists of chopped suey, rice, salad, jello, bread, and cake. Another larger church does all the meal preparation. They are responsible for serving the food, we are responsible for serving milk, coffee, and water. The St. Vinnie's staff is responsible for set-up, clean-up and getting the people they serve in and out. They are very strict about their rules.
We start the evening with prayer then take our assigned places as the line progresses. There are many older men, too many families with children, and some women. We wait until they get their food and find a seat then walk over and fill their glasses and coffee cups. It's simple work but very rewarding. You get to talk to many people, most look weathered and worn and I wish there was time to hear all their stories. But the rules are to get them in and get them out. We refill their glasses as many times as they wish in order to allow them to stay. They are all so very polite, some flirty, some talkative, and some introverted. I wish I knew Spanish to I can respond on a more personal level.
On this night there is leftover food. So the staff allows seconds and announces their availability. A young boy is happy and shows it by skipping back to his mother with a tray full of jello and cake. This is where I lose it. I just become a blubbering fool. The thought of this child, of all the children in this room having to hope they will get fed got to me. I have yet to be able to handle the enormity of their situations. I just can't toughen up. Maybe that's a good thing but I hate that I can't control it.
After we clean up and put the tables and chairs away we can go. The strange thing is I find it hard to leave. I want to know that everybody's ok. That they have a place to go. And it's raining outside. Are they cold? I'll be back here next month to make sure they're all ok. I guess that will have to do for now.
We start the evening with prayer then take our assigned places as the line progresses. There are many older men, too many families with children, and some women. We wait until they get their food and find a seat then walk over and fill their glasses and coffee cups. It's simple work but very rewarding. You get to talk to many people, most look weathered and worn and I wish there was time to hear all their stories. But the rules are to get them in and get them out. We refill their glasses as many times as they wish in order to allow them to stay. They are all so very polite, some flirty, some talkative, and some introverted. I wish I knew Spanish to I can respond on a more personal level.
On this night there is leftover food. So the staff allows seconds and announces their availability. A young boy is happy and shows it by skipping back to his mother with a tray full of jello and cake. This is where I lose it. I just become a blubbering fool. The thought of this child, of all the children in this room having to hope they will get fed got to me. I have yet to be able to handle the enormity of their situations. I just can't toughen up. Maybe that's a good thing but I hate that I can't control it.
After we clean up and put the tables and chairs away we can go. The strange thing is I find it hard to leave. I want to know that everybody's ok. That they have a place to go. And it's raining outside. Are they cold? I'll be back here next month to make sure they're all ok. I guess that will have to do for now.
Today I went for a simple diagnostic test, the mammogram. But for me they aren't really all that simple. I have fibrocystic disease so I'm lumpy and bumpy all the time. All that stuff about how important self-exams are goes out the window with me. I couldn't tell a new lump from an old one or a big one from a small one. I'm always hopeful that if there is something new and sinister growing in there that I will be able to tell the difference, but I'm not confident that it's possible.
This dilemma is solved when the physicians compare my test results to prior exams to make sure the lumpies and bumpies are all exactly the same as they were on the last mammogram. I suspect this isn't so easy for the doctors doing reviewing the films either since they make me come back every six months for another mammogram. Sometimes they even make me stay so they can do an ultrasound just to be safe.
So no changes means I am free and clear. And this time the nurse says, "Not only are you good to go, you've graduated back to the once-a year exam schedule." Yippee! Nothing like removing suspicion from all the lumpiness I feel. As I drove away from the hospital I was thinking about what the nurse said. You see I've graduated twice in the last two weeks, once from college and now from these constant diagnostic vigils. Somehow this graduation seems more important than the other one. Nothing like a sense of well-being to make me feel alive.
This dilemma is solved when the physicians compare my test results to prior exams to make sure the lumpies and bumpies are all exactly the same as they were on the last mammogram. I suspect this isn't so easy for the doctors doing reviewing the films either since they make me come back every six months for another mammogram. Sometimes they even make me stay so they can do an ultrasound just to be safe.
So no changes means I am free and clear. And this time the nurse says, "Not only are you good to go, you've graduated back to the once-a year exam schedule." Yippee! Nothing like removing suspicion from all the lumpiness I feel. As I drove away from the hospital I was thinking about what the nurse said. You see I've graduated twice in the last two weeks, once from college and now from these constant diagnostic vigils. Somehow this graduation seems more important than the other one. Nothing like a sense of well-being to make me feel alive.
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