Finding meaning on this day

I took the day off. I don't know why but I was told I should. I would probably need it. The advice was good advice, I did need it. Today is the day one year ago that Stephen was born. We should be celebrating his first birthday instead of mourning his loss. All I know is that I need to do something memorable, something to commemorate how important it is that he was here.

I've been dreading this day for a long time. I knew there would be sadness, something tough to get through, but the worst part was looking for some sort of meaning in the day, like I needed to do something really special. Planting a tree was one thought I had, but it didn't really fit how I feel. I want a tradition that I could continue on all of Stephen's birthdays, something meaningful for me to give.

I woke up with a sense of dread, between the loss and my inability to channel that grief, it was a struggle. I put my running gear on and headed out the door. The sky was gray but the temperature was very warm for November. All I had on was a long-sleeved t-shirt and leggings, for running this weather was perfect. Running changes my mood, the endorphins kick in and make me settle down. The ruminations stop running through my head and things always seem clearer. And that's when it hit me - Project Linus.

Project Linus is a non-profit organization that gives handmade blankets to sick and traumatized children. What a perfect way to memorialize our sweet baby grandson. I could make a quilt, in fact I could make one every year on his birthday and donate it in his name.

I hit the ground running, baby fabrics, patterns, and the National Project Linus website for proper instruction. This is just the therapy I need. I am a blanketeer.

Happy Birthday, Stephen... Love, Grandma.