Jeff attends Compassionate Friends

Jeff joined Bailee and I at Compassionate Friends tonight. Usually he has a class on Tuesday nights so he can't go but his class was cancelled for tonight. He asked what to expect and I didn't want him to create an opinion based on mine so I told him he would have to see for himself. I did explain that there would be a formal meeting with introductions of the whole group then an informal time where you have the opportunity to connect afterwards.

Personally, I looked forward to meeting the group leader, a woman named Rosemary, since she did not attend the two previous meetings that I went to. The co-leader kept saying 'I wish Rosie was here' throughout those previous meetings so I wondered what kind of wonderful person this was and whether these meetings would get better. I did not get much out of those first two.

We got to the meeting a little late, and luckily there were three chairs together so we could all sit down without making too much of a commotion. Jeff had to stop and pay the funeral lunch bill, it was a little overdue but it was hard to find the time to stop down to the Community Center to get it taken care of. But since we were there for this meeting, he figured he could take the time to get it done.

As we walked in the door, Jeff instantly stopped in his tracks and shook his head - a former co-worker was in attendance. It saddens everyone when new members come, but this first experience for him hit hard since it was someone he knew. This young couple, Chris and Kim had a baby with Trisomy 13. Diagnosed at 20 weeks into her pregnancy, they knew the baby would die within a day of birth. This was especially hard to take since we both knew Chris from doing a two-day MS-Ride together just a few summers ago.

Rosemary introduced herself and it felt like a commercial for her fund-raiser benefit in her daughter's behalf. She went on to say that her group gives the money they raise to a woman undergoing cancer treatment to help her and her family out and what a success it was again this year. This is my take, jaded as it is since I don't really get these meetings. I keep attending though because Bailee wants to go so I will continue to go as long as she wants me to. Each person took a turn introducing themselves then gave a little history on why they were there. Most of these people I met in previous meetings but after the first five people, there was a new couple. They could hardly speak. The mother introduced herself and her husband and went on to say that their 12-year old son was goofing around in his room and accidentally hung himself. I could feel the raw emotion. It was so strong and painful that I wanted to reach out and hug them at that very moment.

So there it was, the reason to attend the meeting. The humanitarian part of me wanted to reach out to them and the selfish part of me felt sudden realization that I had moved past the stage where they were at. It was my first glimpse at this new version of normal. Even though my heart still aches every single day, I have moments where I can breathe and think of doing things I like to do. This couple was in so much pain, and I remembered how that felt. And I noticed for the first time that I wasn't in the place that they were in. It felt a little like some sort of progress. But I felt bad at my discovery at these parent's expense.

One of the things I don't like about these meetings is that most of these people had grown-up sons and daughters that had died, not many people here had lost children so it is hard to relate to them. It's just not the same. So Jeff is fidgeting in his seat. His anxiety is partly from listening to people talk about how their grandchildren have to struggle without their parent, or about how their other children will suffer because as parents, they aren't the same. And partly because he feels he can't get a word in. Another thing that happens at these meetings is there is always someone who wants to do all the talking. I didn't want to tell Jeff that, but he's getting the experience for himself. When he finally does jump in, he feels instantly better.

Jeff did state that he feels like as a man, he has to be there for his wife and daughter through our pain and he doesn't have time to grieve for himself. Earlier during the meeting, the co-leader made a statement about how important it is to take care of yourself first, then you are better equipped to take care of others. She reiterated that message to Jeff. He just needs to remember to take care of himself first. I also reminded him that no matter what, this is something he can't fix, so he shouldn't worry so much about us, we all own our own feelings that he can't change.

So the meeting came to an end, and instantly different people gravitate to each other. Bailee, Chris and Kim sat together, then another couple who had a SIDS baby joined in the conversation. I hung back with Jeff and I told him that this is what I do, I leave Bailee to connect with others in her situation. She says things in conversations that she doesn't say to us, these are the people who understand and the people that she needs. He gets it so he stays out of their conversation as well.

One of our neighbors, Chris attends these meetings, her daughter died from MS at the young age of 30. Chris doesn't like these meetings, she says they concentrate on death and sadness too much and all she wants is to remember her daughter in happier times. I haven't figured out why she comes, I think I might be to connect to Bailee. I understand these meetings to be a way to feel less isolated, to connect with others experiencing the same horror of losing a child. To get understanding, acceptance, and tolerance for the deep and long-term sadness that comes with the territory.

For me, I think I have come to a place where the sadness and pain of loss is still extremely close to the surface but it is not so raw as it was in the beginning. I feel like I am in a dark place and I won't ever come out of it but once in a while a little light comes in. My heart aches when I look at my daughter's sad face. She looks so lost that sometimes I have to look away. I know I can't help her and that just deepends my own pain.

As for Jeff, when I asked him what he thought of the meeting, he said he's not sure yet, he is still processing it all. I do think that we made a connection to Chris and Kim that will last.