Good-bye old friend

The swimming pool came down today. It was nice to see Jeff getting started so early. Usually I have to push him to get things done. I think the success of this last heart procedure has made a difference in his energy level. By the time I got up, he had all the top rails removed from the pool, half the side rails were off and he was pulling back the wall. As I walked outside to help, he was grumbling about the raindrops that had started to fall. Luckily, it stopped as quickly as it started.

We pulled back the sidewall and continued to work on pulling out the side rails. Jeff dug out the reamining side rails while I pulled up the metal ring that held the floor of the pool. It was a dirty, messy job, but I moved as quickly as possible as the dark clouds moved in. The bottom rails were so rusted, they practically fell apart in my hands. I piled all the parts into neat piles and cleaned up behind Jeff as he worked. The long sidewall was the toughest. It took a lot of effort to lay out the sidewall into one long piece. We tried to roll it up but since it had buckled, it was too hard to do. I suggested that we cut it into pieces so we could just pile it up in the truck and in the end, that's what Jeff did. He got out his metal grinder and sawed right through it so we ended up with four pieces of side wall - much easier to transport.

The sky was getting darker as Jeff pulled the truck into the back yard. He got out, looked up and froze in his tracks. I yelled, 'hurry-up!' I think he was considering halting work until the rain passed but my statement quickly put that thought out of his head. We quickly loaded up the entire pool minus the liner, that was still under some water. We got within half of a block from the city yard thinking we were home free since it still wasn't raining, then we saw the line of cars. Apparently everyone else had the same idea. There had to be 15 cars waiting to show drivers' licenses to get in in front of us. That burst our bubble.

We got to the front of the line rather quickly and it still wasn't raining. We headed to the garbage dump first, and as soon as we started to chuck stuff in, it started to pour. We ran back into the truck to wait it out. After less than 5 minutes, it let up. It was still raining, but not as hard as when it first started so we got back out and finished throwing out the garbage. We drove over to the metal bins, which were really full and started throwing things in. There was plenty to throw in so it took a while and when we were done, the rain stopped.

It was a relief to get the entire job done, and we were back home having breakfast by 10:30.

While basking in the sense of accomplishment, a feeling of sadness set in. Another loss. The pool was a mark of passage into summer. Where lazy Saturday afternoons were spent in the summer sun, refreshed by a dip in the pool. What now? Do we get another one? Do we fill in the big hole in the yard? We're really not sure what the answer is. All I do know is that there's an emptiness here in a place where summer memories were created as our children grew up. Somehow I feel like I can't continue, can't put up another pool. I had dreams of teaching the baby to swim the same way I taught BJ. At 5-months old, I put him in the water. With no baby, I'm not sure I want another pool. As my dream goes, so does the pool. Maybe I will feel differently over the coming weeks as I look at the gaping hole in the back yard, but for now, all I feel is sadness at another loss. Good-bye, my summer friend.

The daily struggle

Bailee called. The death certificate came today. The cause of death is officially listed as SIDS. It's so hard to think about all these feelings. There is this sense of relief that she did nothing wrong. And there is this deep sadness of all that this piece of paper means. He was real, he was here, and he is gone. It feels so final. A tiny little life summed up on one piece of paper. Bailee is sad.

Jeff attends Compassionate Friends

Jeff joined Bailee and I at Compassionate Friends tonight. Usually he has a class on Tuesday nights so he can't go but his class was cancelled for tonight. He asked what to expect and I didn't want him to create an opinion based on mine so I told him he would have to see for himself. I did explain that there would be a formal meeting with introductions of the whole group then an informal time where you have the opportunity to connect afterwards.

Personally, I looked forward to meeting the group leader, a woman named Rosemary, since she did not attend the two previous meetings that I went to. The co-leader kept saying 'I wish Rosie was here' throughout those previous meetings so I wondered what kind of wonderful person this was and whether these meetings would get better. I did not get much out of those first two.

We got to the meeting a little late, and luckily there were three chairs together so we could all sit down without making too much of a commotion. Jeff had to stop and pay the funeral lunch bill, it was a little overdue but it was hard to find the time to stop down to the Community Center to get it taken care of. But since we were there for this meeting, he figured he could take the time to get it done.

As we walked in the door, Jeff instantly stopped in his tracks and shook his head - a former co-worker was in attendance. It saddens everyone when new members come, but this first experience for him hit hard since it was someone he knew. This young couple, Chris and Kim had a baby with Trisomy 13. Diagnosed at 20 weeks into her pregnancy, they knew the baby would die within a day of birth. This was especially hard to take since we both knew Chris from doing a two-day MS-Ride together just a few summers ago.

Rosemary introduced herself and it felt like a commercial for her fund-raiser benefit in her daughter's behalf. She went on to say that her group gives the money they raise to a woman undergoing cancer treatment to help her and her family out and what a success it was again this year. This is my take, jaded as it is since I don't really get these meetings. I keep attending though because Bailee wants to go so I will continue to go as long as she wants me to. Each person took a turn introducing themselves then gave a little history on why they were there. Most of these people I met in previous meetings but after the first five people, there was a new couple. They could hardly speak. The mother introduced herself and her husband and went on to say that their 12-year old son was goofing around in his room and accidentally hung himself. I could feel the raw emotion. It was so strong and painful that I wanted to reach out and hug them at that very moment.

So there it was, the reason to attend the meeting. The humanitarian part of me wanted to reach out to them and the selfish part of me felt sudden realization that I had moved past the stage where they were at. It was my first glimpse at this new version of normal. Even though my heart still aches every single day, I have moments where I can breathe and think of doing things I like to do. This couple was in so much pain, and I remembered how that felt. And I noticed for the first time that I wasn't in the place that they were in. It felt a little like some sort of progress. But I felt bad at my discovery at these parent's expense.

One of the things I don't like about these meetings is that most of these people had grown-up sons and daughters that had died, not many people here had lost children so it is hard to relate to them. It's just not the same. So Jeff is fidgeting in his seat. His anxiety is partly from listening to people talk about how their grandchildren have to struggle without their parent, or about how their other children will suffer because as parents, they aren't the same. And partly because he feels he can't get a word in. Another thing that happens at these meetings is there is always someone who wants to do all the talking. I didn't want to tell Jeff that, but he's getting the experience for himself. When he finally does jump in, he feels instantly better.

Jeff did state that he feels like as a man, he has to be there for his wife and daughter through our pain and he doesn't have time to grieve for himself. Earlier during the meeting, the co-leader made a statement about how important it is to take care of yourself first, then you are better equipped to take care of others. She reiterated that message to Jeff. He just needs to remember to take care of himself first. I also reminded him that no matter what, this is something he can't fix, so he shouldn't worry so much about us, we all own our own feelings that he can't change.

So the meeting came to an end, and instantly different people gravitate to each other. Bailee, Chris and Kim sat together, then another couple who had a SIDS baby joined in the conversation. I hung back with Jeff and I told him that this is what I do, I leave Bailee to connect with others in her situation. She says things in conversations that she doesn't say to us, these are the people who understand and the people that she needs. He gets it so he stays out of their conversation as well.

One of our neighbors, Chris attends these meetings, her daughter died from MS at the young age of 30. Chris doesn't like these meetings, she says they concentrate on death and sadness too much and all she wants is to remember her daughter in happier times. I haven't figured out why she comes, I think I might be to connect to Bailee. I understand these meetings to be a way to feel less isolated, to connect with others experiencing the same horror of losing a child. To get understanding, acceptance, and tolerance for the deep and long-term sadness that comes with the territory.

For me, I think I have come to a place where the sadness and pain of loss is still extremely close to the surface but it is not so raw as it was in the beginning. I feel like I am in a dark place and I won't ever come out of it but once in a while a little light comes in. My heart aches when I look at my daughter's sad face. She looks so lost that sometimes I have to look away. I know I can't help her and that just deepends my own pain.

As for Jeff, when I asked him what he thought of the meeting, he said he's not sure yet, he is still processing it all. I do think that we made a connection to Chris and Kim that will last.

The daily struggle

It's a gorgeous evening and I thought I would sit outside and enjoy the weather. A few glasses of wine, some cheese slices and the view is making me melancholy. Melancholy is not a good idea today. I can hear the laughter of children playing and see people walking on the parkway path. All I can think of is how I will not get to push a baby buggy. I cannot stop the tears.

Taxes are done

Taxes are filed, I finally finished them. I have never waited this long before. I can hardly get through a day let alone get something as important and daunting as the taxes done. So I am proud of myself. It's like a little victory.

Easter comes and goes

Easter came and gone without too much hoopla. We went to church and Jeff made breakfast blintzes. Bailee came over and we finished the thank you cards. It's just so hard to do, so emotional, so taxing. But they're done now which is good. No one expected me to create a big dinner so I felt relieved that I didn't have to since I really don't have the energy to celebrate anything. I am just glad this day is over.

Jeff's birthday

Today is Jeff's birthday. It's tough trying to get through a celebration when it's so hard. I went shopping for a card earlier this week and it took me an hour. The sentimental ones mention the years gone by and great rememberances and hopes for good times. They just didn't fit. I needed a card that said everything is sucky, there's nothing we can do to make it better - so sorry I can't make it all go away. So I headed to the funny ones to get something light hearted without all the emotion tied to those other ones. We're going out to dinner with the kids so it should be a good time just being together. Jeff likes keeping Bailee close to him so it should be good.

The daily struggle

Easter is coming. My plans are to go to church. That's all. I don't have what it takes to do any other holiday stuff. Usually my sister makes dinner but she is going to take her family to Florida for spring break. And I am not going to do it. I just don't have the energy.

I worry that there will be family expectations but I can hardly cope with the concept of getting through a holiday without the baby. Talk of coloring easter eggs gives me a pain that pierces right through my heart. I don't know how I am going to get through the day.

Plus I have a terrible cold. My body aches, my head hurts, and everything is out of whack. I just want to hide under the covers and sleep through it all.

The daily struggle

Jeff took me to Sobelman's tonight. He thinks I need a change. He knows I needs something although he doesn't know what will help. You would think he could figure it out by now, nothing can help, no one can help. Nothing. I am comforted from his trying to help. I really did not want to go but I had to let him try. Just like the weekend phone calls - how can you tell someone who is trying to help to stop? You don't really want them to stop but it's still so taxing to go along with it as well. So I went, and it felt good to see him feeling helpful. I have to suck it up.