The daily struggle

It's a gorgeous evening and I thought I would sit outside and enjoy the weather. A few glasses of wine, some cheese slices and the view is making me melancholy. Melancholy is not a good idea today. I can hear the laughter of children playing and see people walking on the parkway path. All I can think of is how I will not get to push a baby buggy. I cannot stop the tears.

Taxes are done

Taxes are filed, I finally finished them. I have never waited this long before. I can hardly get through a day let alone get something as important and daunting as the taxes done. So I am proud of myself. It's like a little victory.

Easter comes and goes

Easter came and gone without too much hoopla. We went to church and Jeff made breakfast blintzes. Bailee came over and we finished the thank you cards. It's just so hard to do, so emotional, so taxing. But they're done now which is good. No one expected me to create a big dinner so I felt relieved that I didn't have to since I really don't have the energy to celebrate anything. I am just glad this day is over.

Jeff's birthday

Today is Jeff's birthday. It's tough trying to get through a celebration when it's so hard. I went shopping for a card earlier this week and it took me an hour. The sentimental ones mention the years gone by and great rememberances and hopes for good times. They just didn't fit. I needed a card that said everything is sucky, there's nothing we can do to make it better - so sorry I can't make it all go away. So I headed to the funny ones to get something light hearted without all the emotion tied to those other ones. We're going out to dinner with the kids so it should be a good time just being together. Jeff likes keeping Bailee close to him so it should be good.

The daily struggle

Easter is coming. My plans are to go to church. That's all. I don't have what it takes to do any other holiday stuff. Usually my sister makes dinner but she is going to take her family to Florida for spring break. And I am not going to do it. I just don't have the energy.

I worry that there will be family expectations but I can hardly cope with the concept of getting through a holiday without the baby. Talk of coloring easter eggs gives me a pain that pierces right through my heart. I don't know how I am going to get through the day.

Plus I have a terrible cold. My body aches, my head hurts, and everything is out of whack. I just want to hide under the covers and sleep through it all.

The daily struggle

Jeff took me to Sobelman's tonight. He thinks I need a change. He knows I needs something although he doesn't know what will help. You would think he could figure it out by now, nothing can help, no one can help. Nothing. I am comforted from his trying to help. I really did not want to go but I had to let him try. Just like the weekend phone calls - how can you tell someone who is trying to help to stop? You don't really want them to stop but it's still so taxing to go along with it as well. So I went, and it felt good to see him feeling helpful. I have to suck it up.