My Pity Party

I've never considered myself lucky. When I say that I'm talking about the big things. Like my father dying at 53 and my brother dying at 26 and my grandson' s death at 2 months and 11 days. Those are the big things. I get that there are others that have suffered through more tragedy than I have seen but when I throw in my inability to find a job for the last year and a half which definitely leaves us in a perpetual state of financial insecurity, I really feel unlucky.

It doesn't help that I've been diagnosed with congenital degenerative disc disease, spinal stenosis and osteoarthritis. Even if I had a job, I don't think I could handle it. I can't sit for more than an hour without my tailbone going numb. Using my arms to do computer work is very limiting. I can usually get in an hour of computer time before my chest, arms and shoulders hurt. I can't even drive for more than 20 minutes without my arms aching. The pain meds help my situation but it also takes away my ability to concentrate and my attention to detail. So the idea of full-time work seems utterly impossible so maybe in that regard, it's for the best that I can't find a job.

But then there's the money thing. I have medical bills. So many medical bills with no income. I started to sell things that I don't use anymore on eBay. That sure helps buy a few groceries but does nothing to put a dent in the medical bills. There is also the student loans I can't repay. It's to the point that I've stopped losing sleep over any of them; it's just not worth it. I totally understand what hopelessness feels like.

To help ease my disease, I've had lumbar fusion and cervical fusion. These surgeries have certainly helped to alleviate my symptoms but they did not fix everything. I used to have no feeling in my feet and now that I've had lumbar fusion, my feet go numb/throb if I over-exert myself. I can also feel my arms after the cervical fusion but I still have a clutching pain around my rib cage.  I've spent a year in physical therapy only to end up with so many restrictions that I wonder if any of it was worth it. I can't run anymore, getting on a motorcycle is definitely out of the question, even picking up my grandchildren is absolutely out of the question. I can't bend, lift anything more than 10 pounds, or turn my head as far as I should. Every day is hard. My brain wants to be productive but my body makes that limited.

I am terrified to drive. In fact, I've bumped a bumper and a tree from not navigating the gas/brake pedals properly. Since I cannot turn my head, I can't see what's in the lanes next to me. I have somewhat adjusted to using mirrors more but they are not totally reliable.

My pain level registers at a consistent 7 but I try to keep from taking many pain meds. They are taxing. I would rather spend an hour doing something followed by an hour lying down which gets the gravity off my body. It's a more natural way of dealing with pain although it is tough to get anything accomplished.

I do volunteer web design work which is how I know I can't work for more than an hour. I have tried but just can't do it. I can't even keep up this blog like I used to. Other things I miss are gardening, biking, cooking, painting, sewing, writing, walking, reading, travel and golf.

I need a miracle. Or maybe just a little luck once in a while.