Random Ruminations . . .

Our Baby Robin

2011-05-29T12:29:00.000-07:00

Every year we have robin's nest somewhere along our front porch. This year the robins chose the tall yew located between the porch and the garage door. It was fun to peek into the bush from the porch whenever the mommma and poppa robins were out digging up worms. Unfortunately, we could see that one of the eggs did not hatch so it's still in the nest. Here is a photo of one of the babies, about three weeks after hatching. This little guy is fun to watch, as the flying skills are still a little shaky and the most notable red breast isn't quite red yet. That must come with age.

Refinished Antique Bedroom Furniture

2011-03-20T19:20:00.000-07:00

This bedroom set belonged to Jeff's grandparents. It was pretty beat up and in need of repair. Jeff took it apart, reglued the pieces, fixed all the broken and missing parts, stripped and stained it. The results of his refinishing work is amazing. It looks fantastic.

Birthday Flowers

2011-03-07T19:29:00.000-08:00

My birthday flowers are still looking fabulous, even by the end of the week!

Chloe's First Birthday Party

2011-02-27T19:04:00.000-08:00

Chloe's birthday party was quite large. With all the extended family on Adam's side, we rented the hall at the Legion post. We had 60 people come and it was quite a wonderful celebration. She is truly a happy baby girl and it could not have turned out better. Bailee insisted on getting her a Simma's cheesecake and a cake from Rich's House of Cakes - both are incredible and all gone! It was a perfect day for a perfect little girl.

Superbowl Sunday

2011-02-06T19:31:00.000-08:00

Getting ready for the Superbowl. The only thing better today would have been getting tickets to the game, but it's not bad hanging out in the comfort of my own home.

Goundhog Day Blizzard

2011-02-02T19:36:00.000-08:00

The worst blizzard ever started yesterday and today it finally stopped snowing. It's the first time work is closed.

Our Christmas Tree

2011-01-23T19:44:00.000-08:00

We kept our tree up for a really long time since we were in LA for a week. I love the real trees but I have such a difficult time letting them go.

2011-01-01T13:00:00.000-08:00

We're going to the Rose Bowl! What an incredible opportunity. This is the best New Years' celebration ever.

2010-08-05T03:13:00.000-07:00

Time for sturgis

Ten on Tuesday

2010-07-13T17:13:00.000-07:00

10 Places or Events in the U.S. I want to see:

1. Martha’s Vineyard.
2. Watch the ball drop in Times Square on New Year’s Eve in NYC.
3. Attend the porn convention in Las Vegas.
4. Run the Boston Marathon.
5. Sit in the stands on the red carpet on Oscar night in LA.
6. Hike Denali National Park.
7. Fireworks on the 4th of July on the White House Lawn.
8. Attend Mardis Gras in New Orleans.
9. White water rafting in Yellowstone National Park.
10. Hot Air Balloons in New Mexico (we thought about doing this last year but never got around to it).

My busy week

2010-06-15T06:27:00.000-07:00

I really need a vacation from my vacation. It went like this:
Wednesday:
1. Cut the grass.
2. Put together the dresser and move it to the guest room.
3. Update the church website.
4. Last minute house clean-up.
5. Pick up the baptism cake.
6. Make soup: French Onion and Cream of Chicken with Wild Rice.
7. Pick up BJ and Lauren from the airport.
8. Offer everyone dinner.
9. Wrap godparent gifts.
10. Clean up the dirty dishes.
11. Get dressed up.
12. Attend Chloe’s baptism.
13. Cut cake after church.
14. Clean up at church.
15. Head to BW3s.
Thursday:
1. Coffee in the Hot Tub (it is vacation, after all).
2. Make breakfast.
3. Make taco dip.
4. Fill cooler with beer.
5. Head out for a day of tailgating.
6. Brewers vs. Cubs
7. Hang out in Miller Park parking lot.
8. Head home but stop and pick up some subs for dinner.
9. Feed Bailee.
10. Take care of Chloe so Bailee can sleep.
Friday:
1. Take care of Chloe while Bailee is at work.
2. Great day with Chloe.
3. Bailee picks up Chloe after work.
4. Head out to Lakefront Brewery.
5. Too late to take the tour so hang out on the river with beer.
6. Air show.
7. Sobelman’s for dinner.
8. Head home to pack for trip.
Saturday:
1. Finish packing.
2. Coffee in the Hot Tub.
3. Pack up car.
4. Head to Marinette.
5. Check in to hotel.
6. Head to Menominee, MI for wedding ceremony.
7. Take family photos after the wedding.
8. Hang out at Jeff’s brother, Gary’s house.
9. Get Mickey Lou burgers for a late lunch.
10. Head out to reception.
11. Dinner and drinks.
12. Hang out with family.
13. Watch Brewers’ game at the bar.
14. Back to hotel.
Sunday:
1. Breakfast at the hotel.
2. Swimming and hot tub at the hotel.
3. Pack up and check out.
4. Stop at Sequins for cheese.
5. Head home.
6. Shop at Woodman’s for this afternoon’s barbecue.
7. Prep for barbecue.
8. Barbecue with family and BJ and Lauren’s friends.
9. Clean up.
Monday:
1. Finish clean up.
2. Take BJ and Lauren to the airport.
3. Go out for breakfast.
4. Stop at Sendik’s
5. Wash bedding and towels.
6. Can jalapeno carrots.
7. Finish clean up from yesterday’s party.
8. Finish binding on quilt.
9. Finish laundry.
10. Pack gym bag for work.
These last 6 days just flew by. The kids are back home safe in Honolulu and I miss them already. But now I need to rest.

Rummage Sale

2010-05-24T11:01:00.001-07:00

My neighbor, Sharon decided to have a rummage sale. She said her sister was coming up from Illinois to spend the weekend with her and they would do it together. I asked which weekend and whether it would be OK with her if I did the same. We could share signage and advertising to make things easier on both of us. Plus the commitment to Sharon would make me actually go through with it instead of always putting it off like I usually do.

I spent Thursday evening cleaning out the garage and setting up tables. Since I don't have many, I made some makeshift ones out of old doors that were leaning against a wall in the garage. It was a pretty convenient way to get a big table. Friday I dug out all the boxes of the kid's clothes, furnishings I had long packed away, and a variety of other things I collected from around the house. I stuck price stickers on them with the concept of the more you buy the cheaper the price. (Most items were marked 50 cents, or 5 for 2 dollars.) I stopped at the bank and got a bunch of singles and fives to make change and I was ready. My only concern was being home alone, how would I manage if there were lots of people?

Saturday was a beautiful day. I finished last minute pricing, made a pot of coffee, grabbed my bag of used shopping bags and finished prepping for the long day. The first person who came by spent $11. I felt like this was a good sign. Then it got quiet for a little while but when people started to appear, it became an endless stream. The big ticket items went the fastest, I even sold my treadmill by 10AM. I was amazed by that. The designer clothing went next. Whether it was Tommy Hilfiger, Polo, or Harley-Davidson, the name branding seemed to be an important find for these rummagers.

There were some real characters that stopped by. I man and his daughter bought some costume jewelry, they were both sporting mullets. Another man bought all of our Moda International (clothing from the Victoria's Secret catalogue) items for himself. Yes, he was petite enough to pull it off. One couple asked me if I could shut the garage door and we could have a little "fun". (I was thinking to myself that he didn't have enough money for that-how's that for "fun"?) Most of the rummagers were Hispanic and barely spoke English. They spent a few dollars but the volumes of people times the few dollars equaled lots of cash for me in the end.

By early afternoon I put away two tables, I sold so much stuff. At the end of the day, there wasn't much left. At 4PM I closed the garage door and immediately put the leftover stuff into boxes to take to Goodwill. I figured if I left it out where I could look at it, I might get attached to it and want to keep it. I did not want that to happen. It felt liberating to get rid of the stuff.

I ended up putting 8 boxes in the back of my SUV and I broke down another 14 that I emptied. I took in $341.95 in cash and the garage and basement look a little less cluttered. It was a lot of work and I'm not sure I would do it again, but the extra cash sure is nice.

Out of gas

2010-04-29T21:17:00.000-07:00

Just as I was heading out the door at the end of the work day, Jeff calls. When the phone rang, I decided I was not going to answer it until the caller ID registered his cell phone number. It was out of character for him to call me knowing I would be heading home already. So I picked up expecting him to say, “How about we meet somewhere for dinner?” but instead he says, “I ran out of gas,” Great. He goes on to say I need to get a gas can, fill it with gas and head out towards Highway T where he is in the far left emergency lane facing east.

So it’s rush hour, I am downtown and between here and Highway T, don’t know any place on the way where I can get a gas can let alone the gas. And all I can think of is, how am I going to be able to pull over on the busiest stretch of interstate highway during the busiest time of day? I head out and stop at the K-Mart in Bay View where I get a clearance 5-gallon gas can for $13.96. It’s a little out of the way, but it’s not unknown so I know exactly where a gas station is from here. From downtown, I only know of two gas stations, one is a block from work where I could go but I didn’t have the gas can yet and the other is in a really bad part of downtown. I’m just not stopping there. I stop and fill the gas can with about 4 and a half gallons of gas which means I’ve spent another $13. I can barely lift the thing into the car.

As I’m getting settled on the expressway, Jeff calls. “How far out are you?” he asks. He is worried about having a County sheriff pull up but none have so far. I tell him the traffic is terrible and the normally 10-minute trek will probably be more like 20. He is fretting about the cops but I am doing the best I can. I felt a little guilty about him running out of gas. He asked me how far he could get in my truck and I told him I didn’t really know how to answer that. Normally I can get 280 miles on a tank for sure but Bailee put $20 worth of gas in it so the mileage calculation would be off. Plus I meant to fill it the day before knowing he was taking my car today but I just forgot. My routine is to normally get gas on my way to work so I wasn’t thinking about it last night.

I am heading west on I-94 when I call him to see what my options are. Do I get off the exit after the point he is stuck and get back on to pull up behind him or do I pull over in the left lane to get directly across from him? He didn’t know how far back he was from the exit so I decided to get into the left lane and get across from him if possible. Amazingly, at the moment I located him, there was no traffic behind me so it was really easy to just pull off into the emergency lane. I got out to find him standing waiting. I open the back car door to lift out the gas can. It’s large and heavy so I have to heave it over the cement retaining wall that divides us. The first thing he says is, “How come you got so much? A gallon would have done it.” My response, “That wasn’t in your instructions and I have never filled a gas can before or ran out of gas before so how would I know?” I’m thinking a thank you would have been nice.

I asked Jeff if he needed anything else – should I stay? And he says no so I got a big break in traffic, hopped back in the car and got moving. The next exit was not far up the road and I got off the highway and hopped back on heading east. Jeff was still pouring in the gas as I rode by. I was hopeful he wouldn’t be there too much longer. It was 3:50pm when he called me at work and it was now 5:45pm.

Jeff got home at 6:30, about 15 minutes after I did. I felt a little traumatized by the whole event so he offered to take me out to Mia Famiglia for a nice dinner. I readily agreed. I wanted to try this place for a while and even though I wasn’t all that thrilled about going out, after being stuck in a car for the last two-plus hours I liked the idea of unwinding and letting someone else cook dinner. The dinner was fantastic then Jeff asks me if I can pay the bill. Didn’t I just bail him out big time? Arrgghh. There goes $67 more I did not plan on spending. But since I have him in a sort of charitable mood, I suggest we go over to Steinhafels Mattress Store and see what they have since we have to get something for our new guest room. He agrees and we pick something out. We got a good deal and I got this off of my to-do list.

At the end of the evening I was feeling partly guilty for not filling up my gas tank and partly irritated that Jeff let it get so low that it ran out. As we tried to unwind from the unexpected events of the evening, he peruses through the latest Farm & Fleet advertisement. He says, “Geez, you could have gotten that same gas can for $5.99 from here.” OK, so now I am less guilty and more irritated. A thank you would have been nice.

Bill Maher at the Riverside

2010-04-10T22:55:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I saw a comedian live. In fact so long I think the last one I saw was Sam Kinison the same year of his death which was 1992. Wow, a really long time. So it felt a little strange to see a stage without a bunch of electronic gear and musical instruments, just a stool, a music stand and a microphone. It all looked so lonely. But there was background music playing. Good background music, from The Byrds, Turn, Turn Turn, to The Roots, The Seed 2.0. THen it started. The theme song from Real Time was cranking up the room. It was really cool to hear that music live.

Bill walked out on the stage and started right in. From the 'right-on' type of applause that says the audience agrees, it was pretty obvious there were all liberal/democrat-types at the Riverside on this night. Bill Maher says he is a libertarian but it seems to me that he leans more towards liberalism than conservatism, just like me. So I really enjoyed his republican bashing of some of my favorite targets like Sarah Palin (MILF=Moron I'd Like to Forget) and Mitt Romney as a department-store mannequin. Funny stuff. There are some good republicans like Ron Paul and I'm glad he left him alone. Although the good ones don't do stupid stuff to end up being a comedic target.

Religion is probably Maher's second-favorite subject and he made it clear how he felt about it. Even though he could never make me a disbeliever in God, I do understand the negativity and lack of science when it comes to religions. After a 'sermon' on the evils of religion the jokes were lighter in nature "I don't know what eternity is like, but I have seen 'Avatar,' so I know what it feels like." Hilarious.

I also like his take on prescription drugs, diseases like restless leg syndrome, and stress. "Just look at a squirrel, he always looks nervous." Bill picked up the book, "The Purpose Driven Life" and started reading the stupid crap in it. He didn't need to add much editorial, that book is that dumb. He also did a bit on what he calls his favorite subject, man's death my animals that they shouldn't mess with. This time it was sharks.

He ended his show with material on the differences between the sexes. Fantasies and marriage were prime targets. One of his funniest lines was "women's fantasies bore men and men's fantasies offend women". Maybe his stuff is so funny because it's so true. I am glad I was there to see him in person. It was a good show.

Before the show we went to church and I mentioned to the pastor that we were headed to Bill Maher. Coincidentally, the sermon was about doubting Thomas and how one can become a better believer when you question things. The pastor said he really liked Bill Maher as well and that his spiel on religion does make you think about what to believe and he thinks that these kinds of ideas can make you an even stronger believer in your faith.

Art in Bloom

2010-04-09T14:30:00.000-07:00

I went to Art in Bloom with Jen today. This is an event where local floral designers create their own floral arrangements inspired by specific pieces of art at the Milwaukee Art Museum. The flower arrangements are then placed at the location within the museum where the art is displayed. This was a great way to explore the entire museum. Besides the floral displays, there were floral vendors available for classes and some had their own booths in the marketplace located in the museum's atrium. It was very tempting to purchase some stuff for my yard, but that would be premature, since I really needed some basic things, like clean fill before I can think about these pretty things. But I did resist and left with nothing more than some good ideas for some designs in my own backyard. The designs were beautiful and it was incredible how well each one reflected the art as intended. Here are some of the wonderful designs:

Ten on Tuesday

2010-04-06T12:12:00.000-07:00

10 Things to do on a Rainy Day:

1. Curl up with a good book.
2. Bake cookies.
3. Take a nap.
4. Watch a movie.
5. Get some sewing done.
6. Organize the junk drawer.
7. Read, then recycle magazines.
8. Clean out a closet.
9. Update my website.
10. Make something crafty.

My pity party

2010-03-24T18:05:00.000-07:00

Today BJ called to tell us his plans have changed. He was supposed to be moving to San Diego in a few weeks. He was in the process of leasing a one-bedroom condo 10 blocks from the beach in Oceanside, CA. It sounded wonderful. After almost two years in Winterhaven/Yuma he was a little tired of the desert. The job opportunities in Yuma weren't great for Lauren so I'm sure they both looked forward to a larger metropolitan area.

So in a quiet way he stated that the company decided that they didn't want to send him to their San Diego project. For a brief moment I was worried that he would be out of work, considering the economy these days. Then he dropped the other shoe, they were sending him to Oahu instead...wow. How incredible. He would be leaving April 5th to start work on April 6th. We were both so happy for him. Both him and Lauren were excited about heading to paradise.

After chatting for a while, we hung up and both Jeff and I were enjoying, more like basking in BJ's success. It's so thrilling to see our kids happy with how things turn out for themselves. We are lucky that all our kids have these great attributes and have good lives.

It wasn't even 5 minutes later when the phone rang. Our neighbor, Sharon wanted to stop by to show me a letter she got from work. We both worked for the same company until she was fired. Apparently she stays in contact with some of her coworker friends who keep her informed of things going on at work. She took the opportunity to call work and try to congratulate someone on a new opportunity. They didn't like her calling, thought it was weird and reported her. So she got a cease and desist letter that she wanted me to read.

It was terrible for her. She didn't understand the ramifications of her actions. Even though she was trying to be nice, the fact that she got fired made people uncomfortable about taking her calls. So she came over for comfort. Plus she just found out she wasn't getting the job she recently interviewed for. At that moment I wished I could have fixed everything for her. She is trying so hard yet she failed to get this new job. To top it off her son was fired from his job, so there's even less income in her household. I hugged her then she left.

One moment we are celebrating a success another we are comforting a failure. The mood in the house changed so rapidly, the feeling was palpable. For a second, I felt like the bad things were happening to me...and I have enough of those. As I wallowed in my own self-pity the guilt kicked in for being so selfish. But really, why can't we just enjoy some happiness for a little while longer? Why does it never last?

Ten on Tuesday

2010-03-23T10:24:00.000-07:00

10 Things I'm Looking forward to this Summer:

1. Sturgis, baby, Sturgis!
2. Summer sunrise runs.
3. Motorcycle rides.
4. Swimming with Chloe.
5. Backyard dining.
6. Gardening.
7. Bonfires.
8. Farmer's markets.
9. Festivals (concerts & fireworks).
10. Barefeet.

Yum

2010-02-26T10:56:00.000-08:00

As I sit recovering from the effects of a light dose of anesthesia (no, I will not discuss my medical condition here), I popped the movie Julie & Julia into my dvd player. It was such a good movie on so many levels. It's a feel-good film with one of my favorite stars, Merly Streep. The woman is so versatile, and she pulls off Julia Child so well. At least that's how I see it from my memories of watching the real Julia on PBS.

I love writers, blogging, cookbooks, cooking, history and New York which are all represented in this movie. It has inspired me to get her cookbook. I need to make boeuf bourguignon. I need to cook like Julie and Julia. All I have to say is Yum.

As is the case with most famous dishes, there are more ways than one to arrive at a good boeuf bourguignon. Carefully done, and perfectly flavored, it is certainly one of the most delicious beef dishes concocted by man, and can well be the main course for a buffet dinner. Fortunately you can prepare it completely ahead, even a day in advance, and it only gains in flavor when reheated.

Vegetable and Wine Suggestions: Boiled potatoes are traditionally served with this dish. Buttered noodles or steamed rice may be substituted. If you also wish a green vegetable, buttered peas would be your best choice. Serve with the beef a fairly full-bodied, young red wine, such as Beaujolais, Côtes du Rhône, Bordeaux-St. Émilion, or Burgundy.

Servings: 6

Ingredients:

Kitchen Supplies:
9- to 10-inch fireproof casserole dish , 3 inches deep
Slotted spoon

Boeuf Bourguignon:
6 ounces bacon
1 Tbsp. olive oil or cooking oil
3 pounds lean stewing beef , cut into 2-inch cubes
1 sliced carrot
1 sliced onion
1 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
2 Tbsp. flour
3 cups full-bodied, young red wine , such as a Chianti
2 to 3 cups brown beef stock or canned beef bouillon
1 Tbsp. tomato paste
2 cloves mashed garlic
1/2 tsp. thyme
Crumbled bay leaf
Blanched bacon rind
18 to 24 small white onions , brown-braised in stock
1 pound quartered fresh mushrooms , sautéed in butter
Parsley sprigs

Directions: Remove rind from bacon, and cut bacon into lardons (sticks, 1/4 inch thick and 1 1/2 inches long). Simmer rind and bacon for 10 minutes in 1 1/2 quarts of water. Drain and dry.

Preheat oven to 450 degrees.

Sauté the bacon in the oil over moderate heat for 2 to 3 minutes to brown lightly. Remove to a side dish with a slotted spoon. Set casserole aside. Reheat until fat is almost smoking before you sauté the beef.

Dry the stewing beef in paper towels; it will not brown if it is damp. Sauté it, a few pieces at a time, in the hot oil and bacon fat until nicely browned on all sides. Add it to the bacon.

In the same fat, brown the sliced vegetables. Pour out the sautéing fat.

Return the beef and bacon to the casserole and toss with the salt and pepper. Then sprinkle on the flour and toss again to coat the beef lightly with the flour. Set casserole uncovered in middle position of preheated oven for 4 minutes. Toss the meat and return to oven for 4 minutes more. (This browns the flour and covers the meat with a light crust.) Remove casserole, and turn oven down to 325 degrees.

Stir in the wine, and enough stock or bouillon so that the meat is barely covered. Add the tomato paste, garlic, herbs, and bacon rind. Bring to simmer on top of the stove. Then cover the casserole and set in lower third of preheated oven. Regulate heat so liquid simmersvery slowly for 2 1/2 to 3 hours. The meat is done when a fork pierces it easily. While the beef is cooking, prepare the onions and mushrooms. Set them aside until needed.

When the melt is tender, pour the contents of the casserole into a sieve set over a saucepan. Wash out the casserole and return the beef and bacon to it. Distribute the cooked onions and mushrooms over the meat.

Skim fat off the sauce. Simmer sauce for a minute or two, skimming off additional fat as it rises. You should have about 2 1/2 cups of sauce thick enough to coat a spoon lightly. If too thin, boil it down rapidly. If too thick, mix in a few tablespoons of stock or canned bouillon. Taste carefully for seasoning. Pour the sauce over the meat and vegetables. Recipe may be completed in advance to this point.

For immediate serving: Covet the casserole and simmer for 2 to 3 minutes, basting the meat and vegetables with the sauce several times. Serve in its casserole, or arrange the stew on a platter surrounded with potatoes, noodles, or rice, and decorated with parsley.

For later serving: When cold, cover and refrigerate. About 15 to 20 minutes before serving, bring to the simmer, cover, and simmer very slowly for 10 minutes, occasionally basting the meat and vegetables with the sauce.

Copyright © 1961, 1983, 2001 by Alfred A. Knopf. Reprinted by arrangement with the Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc.

Ten on Tuesday

2010-02-23T07:25:00.000-08:00

10 Songs I'm Embarrassed to Like:

1. Every Morning by Sugar Ray
2. How Bizarre by OMC
3. It Never Rains in Southern California by Albert Hammond
4. How Long by L.V.
5. Save a Horse by Big & Rich
6. Hooked on a Feeling by Vonda Shepard
7. Woman in Love by Barbra Streisand
8. Mandy by Barry Manilow
9. Said I Loved You but I Lied by Michael Bolton
10. Dancing in the Moonlight by King Harvest

International Motorcycle Show - Rosemont

2010-02-22T21:28:00.000-08:00

We headed to the International Motorcycle Show early Saturday morning. We took our time heading towards Chicago. The weather was decent enough to make it an easy road to travel. No snow, no sub-zero temps like the last time we attended this show. We got to Embassy Suites and checked in to our room. It was a lovely room, quite large and clean. I define clean as a non-smoking room that really feels like no one smoked in it. The air was fresh in this room.

We unpacked our things, hung up our dress clothes for our dinner plans at Morton’s and headed over to the show. We walked through the skywalk to get over to the Donald E. Stephens Convention Center. As it turned out, the skywalk was a very round-about way of getting there. We could have easily went out the front of the hotel and over to the show which was a much more direct route.

We handed over the tickets we bought online glad to know online ordering was not only a cheaper deal, but also more convenient based on the long line of people waiting to buy their tickets.

We got inside and immediately received a Progressive Insurance tote bag to store all that fodder we knew we would pick up along the way. We stopped at booths that had tire changers, exhaust systems, batteries, trailers, chocks, GPS holders, electronics devices, and custom painted bikes. There were plenty of vendors selling helmets, jackets and chaps, boots, and other clothing. We looked at some items made to protect in colder weather, but we already have everything we need at home, it was more of a fact-finding mission to see what new things are available.

We stopped to grab a pretzel and beer while perusing the leather goods available for bikers. We looked at jewelry and scarves found in a section of the convention center dedicated to women bikers. There were also displays of antique bikes – and not just Harleys, many brands, including some I’ve never heard of were there. Most major bike manufacturers, Indian, Kawasaki, Yamaha, Victory, and Harley were all there. Not only could you sit on motorcycles, you could also check out the ATVs. There were quite a few to choose from.
My favorite thing is to pick up information on rides. Most pre-planned rides are charity events and we like to use them as opportunities to see new parts of the Midwest. I got brochures on a brain tumor ride in Madison in August, and Illinois Veteran Memorial ride in June, a disabled children benefit ride in Elgin in May, and a homeless Veteran benefit. It’s good to have options.

We didn’t buy much. Jeff got a set of stretch rubber luggage straps. I thought about buying a scarf but nothing really held my interest. After going through the entire event a second time in case we missed anything, we headed back to the hotel. We put on our swimsuits and headed to the pool. The hotel hot tub was horrible so we swam some laps in the pools to stretch our legs, dried off, and then went back to the room to change. The hotel has a free happy hour and we met some friends there. It was nice to share the day with friends from Milwaukee. We had a few margaritas and shared shopping stories. It was hard to imagine that we wouldn’t run into each other at the show. There were lots of people there, but even though the place is big it’s not that big - I mean we walked through all the aisles twice.

After happy hour which was actually two hours, we went back to our room to get dressed for dinner. Morton’s has a dress code so I put on a nice skirt and we walked through the back of the parking lot to get there. It was a mere 300 yards away and that was a good thing since I was wearing high-heeled boots. The place was fantastic, we were treated like royalty. My Morton’s review can be found at www.sunshinekaty.yelp.com .

Sunday morning we got up and went back to the pool to swim lots of laps. Morton’s was so good it put us in a food coma for the rest of the evening. Now was the time to work off the calories. We stopped for coffee at the breakfast buffet then went to the pool where we spent 45 minutes swimming laps and every lap felt great. It was like we were renewed and ready to start the new day. We got dressed and met our friends for breakfast. Embassy Suites includes a nice hot breakfast that includes fresh made omelets. It was a good start for our drive over to IKEA for some shopping. IKEA is a fun place filled with inexpensive, sometime cheesy housewares. I like to think of it as an adventure in home accessorizing because you never know what kind of deals you will find. I spent $95 on cute things, like serving dishes and votive candles. Jeff bought a new cutting board for the kitchen since mine cracked.

After all that shopping we were still home by 1:30 Sunday afternoon. It was a good weekend that we will repeat again next year.

Meet Chloe

2010-02-18T21:07:00.000-08:00

We have a precious new granddaughter. Her name is Chloe Evelyn Smith. She was born today at 5:26 pm weighing in at 8 pounds, 7 ounces and she is 20 1/2 inches long. She had chubby cheeks, a result of being born to a diabetic mother. She is about 3 hours old in these photos. As you can tell from the photo above, she is pretty bruised up from a tough and stressful birth.

Rocky Horror Picture Show

2010-02-14T18:47:00.000-08:00

Obviously, Rocky Horror Picture Show is one of the worst films ever produced. But experiencing it with a live cast and an interactive audience is something one should not miss. With that said, we went to the Oriental Theater last night to see the midnight showing of this classic (it only shows at midnight every second Saturday of every month). Because of Valentine's day, this showing included a lingerie contest for both the men and women in attendance.

After a parade of men in silk boxers, Iron Man briefs, garters, corsets, and various lingerie-like attire, a male winner was chosen followed by a long line of female participants. I was horribly surprised by the thick bellied belles strutting their extra-large "stuff" across the stage. It was very Wisconsin-like. Both the male and female winners were given a free Rocky Horror t-shirt, a bumper sticker, and a free movie ticket to use on another day.

The contest was followed by cast introductions. After that, all the RHPS virgins went through a ritual where they all lined up to crawl across the floor while the cast paddled them as they went by. It was hilarious.

Then the movie started. The audience had their props ready. There was rice to throw during the wedding scene, newspapers and squirt guns for the rain scene, and unbuttered toast to throw during the dinner toast. I don't want to give it all away, but those were my favorite audience props.

The audience was a wildly mixed group, many were in Rocky Horror costumes while others were the leftovers from the lingerie contest. I felt somewhat out of place in plain old jeans and a sweater. The cast was great, acting out the scenes in front of the stars on the large screen which was the only thing that made the movie worth watching - that and the audience participation part. It was obvious that many of these people had done this before. They knew the script so well they had all the queues down for adding their own lines to the movie.

This was the craziest, most well trained audience I had ever seen. It felt like everyone in the theater was part of the same team, like they rehearsed together before the movie. This is one movie you should never rent, this is the only way to see it. At least it's the only way you will ever be able to see it all the way through.

Senseless crap

2010-02-03T17:09:00.000-08:00

I got this email from an acquaintance, someone I knew from a group I used to belong to. Once I read it, I laughed. I first thought how pathetic it was that someone I hardly knew had to dig me up from her archives just to come up with 10 emails. (Yes, like the instructions say to do, there were exactly 10 email addresses that got this.) Then I thought about how absurd it is that anyone believes these stupid chain emails. I considered the source, and it made more sense. The woman who sent this is not the brightest crayon in the box.

As I went to hit the ‘delete’ button it occurred to me that these types of emails are really better addressed to one’s enemies than friends. Wouldn’t that make more sense if one believed this crap? Here it is in its original form, I wanted to correct all the grammar, spelling and punctuation but I chose to leave it in the moronic format as delivered. . .

Read Alone...... Especially the Poem. I believe whatever is in store for us will be for us. The poem is very true, unfortunately. Make sure you read the poem!

CASE 1: Kelly Sedey had one wish, for her boyfriend of three years, David Marsden, to propose to her. Then one day when she was out to lunch David proposed! She accepted, but then had to leave because she had a meeting in 20 min. When she got to her office, she noticed on her computer she had some e-mail's. She checked it, the usual stuff from herfriends, but then she saw one that she had never gotten before.It was this poem. She simply deleted it without even reading all of it.BIG MISTAKE! Later that evening, she received a phone call from the police.It was about DAVID! He had been in an accident with an 18 wheeler. He didn't survive!

CASE 2: Take Katie Robinson She received this poem and being the believer that she was she sent it to a few of her friends but didn't have enough e-mail addresses to send out the full 5 that you must. Three days later, Katie went to a masquerade ball. Later that night when she left to get to her car, she was killed in that spot by a hit-and-run drunk driver.

CASE 3: Richard S. Willis sent this poem out within 45 minutes of reading it. Not even 4 hours later walking along the street to his new job interview with a really big company, when he ran into Cynthia Bell, his secret love for 5 years. Cynthia came up to him and told him of her passionate crush on him that she had had for 2 years. Three days later, he proposed to her and they got married. Cynthia and Richard are still married with three children, happy as ever!

This is the poem:
Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
'Tomorrow' I say! 'I will call on Jim
Just to show that I'm thinking of him.'
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner, yet miles away,
'Here's a telegram sir,' 'Jim died today.'
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.

Remember to always say what you mean. If you love someone, tell them. Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late. Seize the day. Never have regrets. And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today.You must send this on in 3 hours after reading the letter to 10 other people. If you do this, you will receive unbelievably good luck. *NOTE* the more people that you send this to, the better luck you will have. SMILE, even through your tears!

Groundhog Day

2010-02-02T06:17:00.000-08:00

Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this year, thus declaring 6 more weeks of winter. From my vantage point, it doesn't matter because there would be 6 more weeks of winter at minimum anyway. Here in Wisconsin, 6 weeks would be a relief but being a realist I expect that winter will hang around a lot longer than that.

Now that I think about it, Phil is just as accurate as our weathermen, only Phil is so much cuter.

4th Annual Chili Bowl

2010-01-31T17:31:00.000-08:00

We attended the 4th annual Chili Bowl (cook-off) today which was an event where restaurants from the area put their chili up against all the others. There were 60 different varieties of chili to choose from and only one vote per person. This was a tough competition. The thing is there was so much variety, from seafood chilis in a white base, to brat & beer chilis, to the traditional kinds. My vegetarian daughter and her husband attend every year and they love it. There are plenty of veggie offerings for her to try.

This is a new event for us and it was held at the Harley-Davidson Museum. H-D offered a motorcycle to be raffled off with all the proceeds going to the Hunger Task Force, a worthwhile cause. A $13 ticket got you six chili samples and you could get two more if you donated two canned goods. I did not bring any canned good (the cupboards are pretty bare) but many others brought plenty. The food donation barrels were pretty full. We really didn't need the extra tickets anyway, even though it was fun to try the many varieties, when you multiply a 3-4 ounce sample times six, you're up to three whole cups of chili!

I started at Durango Bar and Grill where I tried a chili that had chuck roast, bacon, and a variety of spices that gave it a tasty, smoky flavored chili. There were good sized chunks of beef that made it really good. I headed to The Red Accordion and had their spicy chili that turned out to be not too spicy to me. We stopped at the bar for something to wash the chili down. That turned out to be really necessary when I got to my next stop, Trysting Place where I had some chili called "Oh My God". I couldn't resist adding some jalapenos to it, just to show up the Harley dudes who were ordering a milder version of their chili. All I can say is, "Oh My God!" It was hot, very hot. Glad I had a drink in my hand to pour some ice down my throat. There's nothing better than a sinus clearing, belly burning chili. Wow, it was good! My next stop was the Soup House. I stopped there out of loyalty since I frequent their restaurant a few times each month. It's the kind of place where you know it's going to be good, but even so, I had better on this day.

I was pretty full after that and I was only four down with two to go. I checked out the Iron Horse's entry. It was a little weird, it had blueberries in it. Hinterland also had an offering with some wild meat in it. It all looked good but I was pretty much done. My friend Carol, loved the Brat House's entry that had (of course) brats and beer in it. She really liked that she could taste the beer. Brocach gave you a shot of whiskey with their chili.

My husband, Jeff is not that fond of chili, so he tried all the seafood entries. He tried Sake-Tumi's that had mahi-mahi and shrimp in it. He tried Solly's traditional chili and a few others but his favorite was Rip Tide's white seafood chili. It was thick and peppered with chili seasonings and that was the winner as far as he was concerned.

After we voted, we left feeling warm and full. This was partly because the crowd was growing larger by the hour and the room was getting a little claustrophobic. It was a good time, although there weren't enough places to sit and enjoy the chili. And because of the crowd, it was difficult to stand and try to juggle chili and a drink while everyone is bumping into you. We managed but that would be my only correction to a really fun event.

Motorcycle season, already?

2010-01-13T07:41:00.000-08:00

In the heart of winter, with my Packer hopes dashed, there's nothing better than planning an 8-day summer motorcycle trip - to Sturgis. It's always good to have something to look forward to even if it doesn't occur until August. It keeps my mind off the dirty snow and the lack of sunshine on my face. So the first order of business in this new vacation year was to put in my request for the week off. With that accomplished, we start the search for a place to stay. It's the 70th anniversary of the motorcycle rally so it's important to book a room very early. Luckily our extremely excited friend, Ken takes the lead and makes it happen. Ken and his friends have been talking about going to Sturgis for a few years now and he knew he would have to take charge to coordinate this for everyone. Jeff and I are pretty new to the group but we enjoy their company and they treat us like we've been part of their group forever. We had 12 people who committed to going , so he booked 3 double rooms with 4 in each room. That's when the rubber hits the road and lofty dreams become reality - one person dropped out. I bet that spot gets filled by August so there's no worries about that right now.

With the major part of the planning confirmed, Ellen takes over and books a room in Mitchell which is a little further than the halfway point from Milwaukee for the ride out and another room at the halfway point for the ride back. The cheaper rooms are non-refundable, so we chose to pay $9 extra to book a room in Mitchell that was refundable. It's been my experience that plans can be dashed if it rains all day. The safer, slower speed in the rain can mean cutting the distance some. And safety will always come first, so we tend to play it by ear. Hopefully it won't rain and that won't be a problem but you just never know.

Now it's time for the fun to start...the touristy planning of the things to do and see while we're there. I ordered lots of tourist information from South Dakota tourism centers and started my travel checklist. I talked to my friend Cindy who goes to Sturgis every year and she confirmed that we got a good deal on the rooms in a decent part of the Sturgis area. She offered to look into the condo next to the one she stays in, but that would have cost more than the deal that we got. So Ken did well. And the hotel we're staying in allows for bike parking right outside of the rooms which have their own separate doors so that's a good thing. The inn also has a shuttle into Sturgis so you don't always have to get into the fray of hundreds of thousands of bikes if you don't want to - another good thing. On the negative side, the hotel does not include a restaurant but there is a diner close by (I like my coffee first thing in the morning). And there is no pool/hot tub, which would be nice for after a long day of riding.
With the hard part of the planning over, we can move on to other things, like the International Motorcycle Show in Chicago. Jeff and I make it an overnight stay in Rosemont. He books us a nice suite at Embassy Suites across from the convention center and since the IMS is the week after Valentine's Day, we plan a romantic dinner in the evening. This year we will go to Morton's Steak House right down the street. The cool thing about the motorcycle show at the Rosemont (Donald E. Stephens Convention Center), is there is a walkway from the hotel to the convention center so you don't have to go outside if you don't want. Since the car is parked at the hotel there are no worries about driving through Chicago when you can walk.

The motorcycle show has vendors from all over the world. Last time we attended we bought a travel bag made specifically for our touring bike from a German company. It has served us well. This year there's nothing we really need, so it will be more like a fun adventure than a search for a specific product. After spending a day at the convention center we will head back to the hotel for the free happy hour drinks before dressing for dinner. In the morning, we get up to a nice breakfast in the hotel then head over to IKEA for some shopping before heading back to Milwaukee.

Maybe winter won't be so bad after all.

Ten on Tuesday

2010-01-12T18:36:00.000-08:00

10 Best Movies I've Seen Lately:

Mamma Mia! The Movie
The Bucket List
Juno
Slumdog Millionaire
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
The Hangover
Milk
Waitress
Sex and the City
Inglourious Basterds

I had to go way back, I don't go to many movies and there have been many bad ones to get through to get to these ten.

http://www.yanowhatimean.com/tuesday/

Ten on Tuesday

2010-01-05T16:37:00.000-08:00

10 Things I'm Looking Forward to in 2010:

A new baby granddaughter.
Paid off bills.
Marathon training.
Selling my crafts on Etsy and at Craft Fairs.
Going to Sturgis.
A redecorated guest room.
Visiting my son out West.
Getting my ASQ audit certification.
Making new quilts.
Taking a photography class.

http://www.yanowhatimean.com/tuesday/

Some thoughts on rebuilt engines

2010-01-02T18:00:00.000-08:00

I read this story in the Compassionate Friends newsletter and felt the need to keep it on my blog (with acknowledgement of the author, of course - so I hope she doesn't mind). It is a reminder of where I have been since the loss of my grandson and hope for where I wish I could be. I am certainly not there yet, and maybe someday I will be, but for now this brings comfort on bad days and brings me hope in the new year.

Those of us who receive the Compassionate Friends newsletter have experienced something in common — the shattering of our human machinery upon impact with a son or daughter’s death. Whatever helped us keep moving before, nothing works for us now. Our lives ground to a halt.

In the stillness of grief’s long night, I felt despair over trying to repair something that would always lack a vital part. How could I ever rebuild the machinery of my life without that precious part? Any repair work would require my permission and participation. Looking at the tangled, damaged parts of myself, I questioned how to salvage any thing workable from the wreckage.

Eventually, blessedly, the desire to move again, to get back into life’s traffic, got me doing something. At first it was tinkering, experimenting with the broken parts, imagining them whole again. Then I tried to learn by watching others who were rebuilding. It helped to read repair manuals, painfully written by people like me. The process was tedious and exhausting; there were setbacks, hidden costs, and false starts.

One surprising day my engine actually turned over — I moved a little. Before long, the motor sounded stronger. It almost seemed to hum, as I remembered it could. With persistence, I worked up to a decent speed, regained my sense of direction, and even began appreciating some sights along the way. I discovered that a rebuilt engine could carry me, despite the missing part. Occasionally it sputters, misfires, or floods, being sensitive to road hazards other drivers don’t see. Some hills always seem too steep; certain roads have too many memories. Sometimes the fog is too thick to drive through. When necessary, I slow down, make adjustments, or pull off the road temporarily.

I wanted to write about my experience out of gratitude. Each of us has our own long night of grief and our own reawakening from it. The mystery of healing defies simple explanation. Do invisible hands help us in the healing process? I don’t have an answer, just astonishment at the process which moved me from the tangled wreckage of myself to a sturdy rebuilt that appears whole, even though it isn’t.

In closing, I lovingly acknowledge my daughter, Beth, who believed deeply in the possibility of rebuilding her own life. Joan Page — TCF, Miami

Ten on Tuesday

2009-12-29T05:21:00.000-08:00

10 New Year's Resolutions:

Have more patience with my husband.
Be more thrifty with my money.
Run the Milwaukee Marathon.
Get my Etsy sales moving.
Clean out my closets.
Donate more, recycle more (see #5).
Work on improving my writing skills.
Use my dining room for what is was meant for.
Finish the things I started (like painting the spare room).
Take a photography class.

http://www.yanowhatimean.com/tuesday/

Time to get it together

2009-12-23T10:40:00.000-08:00

I've been having a real hard time with Christmas. All I could think of was last year's tree with the Baby's First Christmas stocking hanging on the top of the tree...followed by a photo of that stocking at the baby's funeral. Those two images are so intertwined that I cannot separate them so there is no joy in the upcoming holiday. I have no desire for a tree, for holiday shopping, for cookie baking, for decorating, for all the things that I enjoyed during the Christmas season.

Then Adam posted his comment on Facebook about how he misses Stephen so much and that he knows he would have really liked the snow. That comment was a real slap in the face for me. It was a reminder that others were hurting more than me and that I should be helping hold them up instead of being a burden on everyone around me as a wallow in my own sadness. So I'm suking it up and going shopping. The cookie dough is in the fridge.

Thank you Adam for straightening me out, I really needed the kick in the ass.

Iron Cupcake - Pro

2009-12-18T22:39:00.000-08:00

Jen volunteered at the Professional Edition of Iron Cupcake which was held at the Milwaukee Art Museum. She is a member of the Art Museum so she gets two free tickets to all events. Since she was working the event, she gave us her two free tickets. When you get in you get two ballots, one for picking your favorite cupcake art and your favorite food cupcake. There was a bar, a coffee shop, a band, a DJ and the most beautiful cupcakes ever. There were quite a few professional cake bakers with a wonderful variety of cupcakes to sample. The tough thing was figuring out where to start.

We walked from table to table just looking at how beautiful the cupcakes were decorated. Then we got a glass of wine and a plate and went back to pick out some samples to try. Before I knew it I had more cupcakes than plate. So we sat down and tried them all. It was hard to pick out a favorite since they were all so good. In the end we critiqued them for how they looked as well as taste to decide who gets our vote.

After we finished the cupcakes we went to the Warhol exhibit and enjoyed the art. It felt good to take the time to stop and check out Warhol's work in such a relaxed atmosphere. Considering Christmas is right around the corner, it felt good to be removed from the hustle bustle of the season. After the exhibit, there was free food for all attendees. Talk about a nice evening at the right price, even if we had to pay the $8 per person charge to get in, this would be worth every cent.

Sonoma trip, day 4

2009-12-12T21:56:00.000-08:00

Today is the day I get to go the the Charles M Schulz Museum. It's one of those things that would be on my bucket list if I had one. I love the Peanuts characters and I am so glad that I get to see the museum. We got there when it opened at 10 and stayed for two hours. It's not very large, but it was pretty interesting to me. The first floor was dedicated to the history of Schulz and his comics and the other half was about the history of all comics. So there was more to see besides just good ol' Charlie Brown. The second floor of the museum was a hands on cartoon design lab and Charles M Schulz's office was moved into the space. There was also a section on the different toys made from the characters over the years. Outside there was a yard with a kite eating tree, and various life-sized characters. After we went through the gift shop we walked over to the Warm Puppy Cafe where there was an ice rink that Schulz just loved.

It was a good clean fun way to spend the morning before an afternoon of more wine tasting. We drove to the Francis Ford Coppola Winery for our first tasting. It was pretty cool in the tasting room because there were 5 Oscars on a shelf above the wines. We bought more wine then took some time to eat the sandwiches we packed that we bought at the deli last night. We drove from town to town and stopped at Simi Winery. They staff was a little pushy but we did find one bottle worth purchasing before we high-tailed it out of there. From there we stopped at Wine Country Chocolates, then BR Cohn Winery. BR Cohn is the manager of the Doobie Brothers so of course he had a line called Doobie Reds. They were quite pricey at $480 for the 12-bottle collection. I suppose when you divide it up by the 12 bottles it's not that bad considering we paid $50 for some wines. BR Cohn also had a line of vinegars and oils that we tried and ended up purchasing. After that, we stopped at Vella Cheese factory for some California cheeses to take home.

We ended the day with a stop at Johnny Garlic's which is one of Guy Fieri's restaurants. The place was filled with tourists and surprisingly, the food was pretty good. I expected it to be something like that awful TGIF that Fieri hawks on television commercials but it was much better than that.

Sonoma trip, day 3

2009-12-11T23:37:00.000-08:00

We had some coffee and scones at the hotel before we hopped in the car for a ride back to San Francisco. This time crossing the Golden Gate bridge meant a $6 toll. The view was worth it. We parked at Fisherman's Wharf, got tickets to Alcatraz and immediately got on the ferry to the island. The day was overcast and chilly and on the island the weather seems much more intense so the first thing to do was get Jeff a hat. There was no reason for him to be uncomfortably cold while we were touring the prison. It is cold and dank in there on a nice day so it was definitely a necessary purchase.

We took the walk up to the top of the hill where the tour started. The staff does warn you that it's equivalent to walking up 13 flights of steps so we did have to stop so Jeff could catch his breath, even in good health his heart disease is sometimes apparent. We got our headphones and started through the tour. There is so much history on this one little island and it is such an interesting story that a few hours go by pretty rapidly. We finished the walking tour then took a walk through the part of the island that is normally closed. Since we were there off season, the birds were not migrating to the island so they could open up many of the paths that were normally closed to the public.

After Alcatraz we took the ferry back to Fisherman's Wharf for a late lunch at Alioto's Fish Grotto. Jeff was in seafood heaven. As we sat at our table, we watched the seal frolick in the water right outside of our window. Another first, I had never seen seals outside of a zoo before. They were beautiful creatures.

It was raining making it tough to walk the piers so we stopped at the Harley Davidson store and bought some San Francisco patches, then we went to the Hard Rock Cafe so I could add another guitar pin to my collection. We got out of San Francisco a little late so we got stuck in some rush hour traffic making the trek back to Rohnert Park somewhat longer. Since we were both exhausted from another day outdoors, we stopped at the Pacfic Market for some deli sandwiches and snacks to finish out the day.

Sonoma trip, day 2

2009-12-10T22:43:00.000-08:00

The first thing to do this morning was to get coffee and get the football picks in. So I logged on to espn.com for the line and weather.com to check the temperature back home. It was 9 in Milwaukee and 46 in Santa Rosa. I'll take the 46. We got off the computer and headed in to downtown Santa Rosa for breakfast. We walked Main Street until we found a cute little place called Arrigoni's Deli. The staff was so friendly and the breakfast was good. We lingered over coffed then took a walk past Tex Wasabi's and a bunch of shops that had life sized Snoopys. They were all over town - it reminded me of the beasties that were placed all over downtown Milwaukee a few years back.

After the walk we headed to Bodega Bay. It was a gorgeous ride along the Russian River. The landscape was filled with charming little homes nestled between large vineyards and wineries. The trees were still full of green leaves, no sign of Wisconsin winter conditions here. Even though the local people thought it was unseasonably cold, it was very pleasant to us. As we rode the highway, I saw lemon trees loaded with ripe lemons. I've seen many orange trees when I stayed with my brother in Phoenix and the tropical fruit trees in Cancun and Maui but this is the first time I saw a lemon tree up close and in person. It was beautiful. We stopped at the Bodega travel booth for more information then drove back up the coast to the location where Alfred Hitchcock filmed The Birds. We stopped and took some photos before we got back into the car.

Heading out of Bodega, we stopped where the Russian River meets the Pacific. The scenery was gorgeous no matter which direction we were heading. Jeff mentioned how wonderful the ride would be on a motorcycle. Between the hills and the winding roads, it would be pretty incredible but considering the cool temperature, I was happy enough to be in a car today.
We kept driving until we got to Armstrong Redwoods State Natural Reserve.

We parked and took a nice walk through the redwoods. The size of these trees was amazing. It was a nice day to take a walk and we were really glad we took the time to see it.

After the scenic drive, we stopped at a few wineries along the way. We started at La Crema where we found some really good Pinot Noir. Then we headed to Kendall-Jackson and tried the exclusive wines they had. We bought more wine there. We learned the best way to transport wine back home so we bought an empty case to fill along the trip. We will check the box as luggage and mark it as fragile. The 15 dollar bag fee from the airline for all the wine is much more economical than shipping at each winery. So the nice people at Kendall-Jackson put our La Crema in the case and loaded it into our car for us.

After a long day on the road we went back to the hotel to relax a little then we walked over to the bar across the parking lot to watch the football game. We had forgotten that the time change would have an effect so getting to the bar at 8 meant the game was in the last quarter! Oh well, we still ordered a drink and appetizer and sat back until the game was over. It was a nice way to finish the day.

Sonoma trip, day 1

2009-12-09T22:20:00.000-08:00

After all the commotion of getting out of town before the blizzard, I'm feeling pretty relaxed. As the plane came in over the San Francisco bay it was pretty easy to leave everything behind, especially the weather. I already had a great sense of accomplishment because I finished reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance during the flight. I've been trying to finish the book since summer. Even though it was a good book, it was a long and complicated book so I took my time.

We got off the plane, grabbed our luggage and took the tram to get to our rental car. We hooked up the GPS and headed to Pier 39 for a nice seafood lunch. We passed Candlestick Park, AT&T Park, the Embarcadero, and many other cool San Francisco landmarks on the ride. Parking was a little difficult but we found a spot, put 5 bucks in the meter (yes $5) and walked from pier to pier. We stopped at Pier 39 and perused the shops along the way. We checked out a few menus posted in front of different restaurants before we chose the Pier 39 Seafood Market. It seemed like a perfect location to start our vacation. We were seated at a table by the windows and ordered Anchor Steam beer, a local brew they had on tap. It was pretty amazing looking out the windows over the water thinking about how we left blizzard conditions just a few hours earlier.

Lunch was very good and relaxing and we took our time. Since the meter was probably close to expiration after lunch we got in the car and headed to our hotel in Rohnert Park. We drove over the Golden Gate bridge on our way out of San Francisco and that was pretty cool.
We checked into our room and unpacked our luggage. Jeff read through most of our touristy, travel materials and had some ideas for things to do. Unfortunately, my camera was acting up so the first order of business was to go get a new one. I opted to head to a Wal Mart where I could get a nice compact Canon reasonably priced and if something went wrong with it, I could still return it when I got back home. So we bought a few snacky things while we were there to take with us on our rides through wine country. At the end of the day, we were pretty tired so we stopped at the In N Out burger to try one. It wasn't bad, but I doubt that I will ever go back. Check that off the to-do list.

Mother Nature is in control

2009-12-08T19:46:00.000-08:00

The snow is coming, a blizzard in fact. Of course it is supposed to start tonight and keep coming until noon tomorrow. My flight leaves at 8:45 tomorrow morning, I hope. Everyone is freaking out over the weather which I don't understand. It's winter in Wisconsin and it is always like this. Year after year, it doesn't change. And the people who freak out over it every year don't change either. It's like a bad boring habit to discuss the weather.

A coworker did email the boss this morning from Albuquerque to say his flight back to Milwaukee was already cancelled even before the snow starts coming. Things are not looking good.

No one understands why I am so calm. Why not stay calm? I can't change it or fix it - mother nature is going to do what she does no matter what I think so why worry? I do check the airline regularly throughout the day and the flight is still on although the airport status says check your flight before heading out. By the afternoon the airline is asking if I want to reschedule but the flight is still on. I will wait.

By the end of the workday I decided that if the flight gets cancelled, it's ok. After all, we were feeling bad about missing a funeral that we really should attend this Saturday. We tried to get out of the trip but we would lose almost all the money we put into it. If it was the weather's fault we could reschedule without an extra charge.

Ten on Tuesday

2009-12-01T17:38:00.000-08:00

10 Things You Want but Wouldn't Buy for Yourself:

1. A pedicure (I usually get spa gift certificates for Mother's Day and that's how I get pedicures).
2. TV series DVDs.
3. A cappucino maker.
4. A new gas grill.
5. More Wii games.
6. Bose iPod dock.
7. Ceramic bowls.
8. Boots.
9. Professional hair coloring.
10. Acrylic nails.

http://www.yanowhatimean.com/tuesday/

Shop the Ward

2009-11-28T18:42:00.000-08:00

The third ward is one of the fashionable areas in Milwaukee. I know that's not saying much since the only other fashionable area of the city is about 3 miles northeast known as the east side. Such creative titles. Anyway, I headed to the third ward to meet my daughters for some Black Friday shopping and a nice lunch.

The difference between the third ward shops and the awful mall and department store throngs is that the sales begin at 9am, none of the hordes of lifeless zombies getting up in the middle of the night to get a free widget that is worthless in the first place. We casually went from store to store where there were plenty of sales making our quality purchases reasonable. The clerks were friendly, in fact we were offered a Mimosa and homemade coffee cake at Broadway Paper. Most other stores offered hot coffee or some delicious little snack. It was relaxing, not hurried and a lot of fun plus the sun was shining and the air was crisp, a lovey late fall day in Wisconsin.

Jen's friend owns a shop called Freckle Face, a beautiful children's store. We spent more time in there than most stores. We purchased some cute things for the new baby. It was hard to choose with all the beautiful clothes and cute toys to pick from. I bought the environmentally, reusable diapers, Jen bought some trendy little girly clothes. My favorite shop was Anthropologie. It was filled with quality housewares and clothing, it reminded me of an upscale Urban Outfitters. I could have purchased kitchen gadgets and trinkets by the basket full but I refrained. I don't really need anything - less is more is generally my motto but it sure was tempting.

We ended our shopping at the Milwaukee Public Market enjoying a margarita and tacos at Margarita Paradise. This was the best Black Friday because it was with my girls.

Steely Dan - The Aja Show

2009-11-13T23:44:00.000-08:00

There were 13 people in the band, including 3 women backup singers. The show started with the band doing a little jazzy instrumental introduction. Then one of the backup singers symbolically lowered a record player needle onto a record and the band started playing Black Cow, the first song from the Aja album. They continued the album songs in order and of course after the third song, the "album" had to be turned over. The music was flawless. Just sitting back and listening to the sound of Donald Fagen's vocals brought me back to a time when I was younger, less battered by age and experience. It was like good memories of another time flowed like the music. Walter Becker was magical. Playing a guitar is a talent way beyond anything I could imagine, and this guy is the master.

Before the concert, I insisted on a margarita - I had to have my Cuervo Gold. Jeff didn't make the connection until the band played Hey Nineteen, too subliminal at the time for him I guess. It seemed like Aja went by fast. Then Mr. Fagen asked the audience what we wanted to do now, the crowd went wild and the music continued. The Riverside is a great venue, small and inviting, it feels much more intimate than most concerts halls. Every song was familiar, most of them I could sing along from start to finish. The audience was shouting out requests. Their playlist seemed to be never ending. And just when I thought it was coming to an end, there was more. The girls sang a song (Dirty Work), the horns played solos, as did Walter Becker and the pianist. Then there was more. It was incredible.

The audience was filled with people just like us. At just under $250 for two tickets, and there were higher priced ones available, I wondered what kind of crowd would be attending. The middle-aged, balding or grey haired generation was well-represented. It was a nice mellow audience, so we could actually sit and enjoy the show, unlike others where you have to stand through the entire thing. But some things never change, I could smell the dope in the air.

This concert is one of the best I have ever experienced and I would love to come back again tomorrow to see the Royal Scam show. I'm curious to see what those gorgeous singers will be wearing.

Becoming outnumbered

2009-11-10T06:35:00.000-08:00

Now that the poser is gone, there's a job opening. Pushover boss is delighted because she can bring in another one of her work buddies from her last job. I'm OK with interviewing him and going through the process because I figure there are plenty of other candidates to look at as well. Then I ask, when are we getting more candidates? After all, this is a bad economy so the talent pool (looking for a job) must be pretty good. Pushover boss is shocked and angry at such a suggestion. "Why would we look for outside talent when we can hire someone I know?!?" Boy, she was pissed. So back to the interview. We question this guy who clearly states that he wants to be management someday, not do QA work forever. He does seem qualified but he's had more jobs in this decade than the number of DUIs another loser co-worker has...(and that would be 6 DUIs).

So I question the director regarding interviewing more than one person and she makes Pushover boss look at more resumes. Pushover boss sets up two interviews with other highly qualified candidates. But wouldn't you know it, those highly qualified actually got jobs somewhere else. (I knew there was talent out there!) So that was her lame attempt at "looking at other candidates". More proof of lazy. Lazy...hmmm, it hit like a brick - she wants this guy BECAUSE he wants to be manager, then he can do her work...how could I have missed that? Now it all makes sense. He starts at the end of the month. One candidate, one interview, one hire.

Finding meaning on this day

2009-11-09T19:05:00.000-08:00

I took the day off. I don't know why but I was told I should. I would probably need it. The advice was good advice, I did need it. Today is the day one year ago that Stephen was born. We should be celebrating his first birthday instead of mourning his loss. All I know is that I need to do something memorable, something to commemorate how important it is that he was here.

I've been dreading this day for a long time. I knew there would be sadness, something tough to get through, but the worst part was looking for some sort of meaning in the day, like I needed to do something really special. Planting a tree was one thought I had, but it didn't really fit how I feel. I want a tradition that I could continue on all of Stephen's birthdays, something meaningful for me to give.

I woke up with a sense of dread, between the loss and my inability to channel that grief, it was a struggle. I put my running gear on and headed out the door. The sky was gray but the temperature was very warm for November. All I had on was a long-sleeved t-shirt and leggings, for running this weather was perfect. Running changes my mood, the endorphins kick in and make me settle down. The ruminations stop running through my head and things always seem clearer. And that's when it hit me - Project Linus.

Project Linus is a non-profit organization that gives handmade blankets to sick and traumatized children. What a perfect way to memorialize our sweet baby grandson. I could make a quilt, in fact I could make one every year on his birthday and donate it in his name.

I hit the ground running, baby fabrics, patterns, and the National Project Linus website for proper instruction. This is just the therapy I need. I am a blanketeer.

Happy Birthday, Stephen... Love, Grandma.

Veteran's Day parade

2009-11-07T20:02:00.001-08:00

We rode in the Veteran's Day parade today. The weather was perfect, better than perfect for a November day. The Legion Riders group that we ride with is so nice and friendly, it's always pleasant to be around them. The turnout was pretty amazing and I was touched by the display of patriotism shown by those in attendance. I think I will let the photos tell the story...

A different funeral

2009-11-06T21:28:00.000-08:00

I went to a funeral tonight for a nice man that I worked with for about 4 years. His name is Mike Petrick and he looked like a cross between Santa Claus and a ZZ Top band member. He was a large pleasant man who had a happy disposition. He rode a Harley in his younger years, but once he had to give it up, his free time was devoted to the races, the Packers, and his friends at the local bar. For Mike, that bar was Sparky's in Cudahy. And that's where his retirement party was held last July. The place was pretty full of the locals who all knew Mike. Apparently, he had a Sparky's family besides his real family. It was a good time but then everything we did with Mike was a good time. We saw him at festivals, his favorite being Summerfest, he enjoyed every opportunity for a good time.

Not long after Mike retired, he had a heart attack. It took a long time, but he recovered from that event and changed his life. Before the heart attack, he ate Fritos every day, along with a variety of things that were not healthy, but he changed all that to recover. Even though he cut back on some of the things that were bad for him he still had the races and the Packers games. On the day he died, he was heading to Racine to watch the races with his friends. He blacked out behind the wheel of his car and hit a tree. The paramedics were called and he was coherent but on the way to the hospital he had a massive heart attack and died. The doctors think his defibrillator fired which made him black out at the beginning of the heart attack that killed him.

One of my fondest memories of hanging out with Mike was at The Wicked Hop where we had many after-work parties. Mike was fond of another co-worker, Raquel. In the course of the evening, he bought her one of every type of martini that was on the drink menu. Since there were so many, she shared them with me. It was a crazy night, and by the end of it both me and Raquel were on Mike's lap while he pretended to be Santa Claus.

The funeral was a little different than most. There was no clergy so his sister spoke first, stating that she didn't know about Mike's relationship with God - that was between Mike and God so she was going to talk about his life, then Mike's niece read a poem, his best friend spoke, followed by Mike's brother. The service ended with the Lord's prayer. After the service we got balloons, there were 64 of them, one for each year of Mike's life so some of us had to share since there were so many people there. We then headed to the parking lot to release them all at the same time, followed by a shot of Jack Daniels. It felt like an appropriate end to honor a nice man. It's too bad he couldn't been with us longer, his gentle nature will be missed.

Early trick or treat

2009-10-25T20:16:00.000-07:00

I checked the paper for the trick or treat time for our area and I was surprised to find that my town (Oak Creek) and neighboring South Milwaukee both have trick or treat on Sunday, October 25th from 4 till 6. Every other town in all of southeastern Wisconsin will do trick or treat at varying times on Saturday, October 31st. What a concept, trick or treat on halloween!

I imagine the dumb asses on the Oak Creek celebration committee thinking about how trick or treat is always the Sunday before halloween. How ridiculous when halloween actually falls on a weekend! So every surrounding town will bring their children to Oak Creek for double the fun, yes, some kids will trick or treat twice.

At least it was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the temperature mild considering it is October is Wisconsin. Jeff and Bailee sat on the front porch and handed out candy. I bought my usual giant bags of goodies. The difference this year was as expected, I almost ran out. Most years, I break out that last bag and have most of it left but this year there was just a handful left. I'm sure my prediction was right, the kids from other burbs were in the neighborhood. In fact, I'm sure of it since my sister brought her kids over from their Milwaukee home.

The neighbor's daughter (who lives in South Milwaukee) brought her son over in costume. Jeff asked her why she wasn't handing out candy at her house. She said South Milwaukee changed their plans and moved trick or treat to the 31st like everyone else. So there's another group coming in from another area. Geez. Dumb Oak Creek city planners.

Even though I didn't get why it was early, I have to admit, I'm glad trick or treating is over for another year.

Hooked on Facebook

2009-10-20T20:42:00.001-07:00

I joined the Facebook phenomenon and it's pretty amazing. I have connected with people from my past which is really cool. Especially when I get to catch up with ex-co-workers and out of town family. It's become a great way to keep in touch. I even learn new things about the people around me.

With some of my friends, the acronym TMI (too much information) certainly applies. Whether they are heading to a movie or to a restaurant, it's posted. Going shopping is posted. Having a cold is posted. Then there's those friends who have to repeat the news. Like OMG Michael Jackson is dead, or President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize! Geez. So it's not all good all the time, but it's never all that boring either.

Facebook has games. I started with FarmVille then Cafe World and I am hooked. It's like having a virtual farm and run a virtual restaurant. I get to arrange the livestock and plant the fields. I get to cook in the restaurant and decorate it as I like. It's such a silly waste of time but I can't help myself. Plus I get to see what my Facebook friends are doing on their farms and in their cafes so there's competition. A little like keeping up with the Jonses.

I hope I get over this gaming thing soon, it's taking over my crafting time. Maybe I should harness the Facebook energy for some crafting good. Anyway for now, it's fun so look for me there and maybe we can be Facebook friends.

10 on Tuesday

2009-10-20T20:19:00.000-07:00

10 Guilty Pleasures:

1. Soaking in my hot tub.
2. Fabrics, lots and lots of fabrics.
3. Legacy Chocolates www.legacychocolates.com .
4. New scarves, purses, and shoes.
5. Downloading from iTunes on a whim.
6. Sunbathing in my hammock.
7. Reading books on my Kindle2 - and downloading new ones.
8. Being home alone.
9. Margaritas.
10. Sharing a bottle of wine and a good conversation.

http://www.yanowhatimean.com/tuesday/

Creative rut

2009-10-16T21:30:00.000-07:00

I am in a creative rut, or maybe it's sensory overload. I went to the fabric store to buy some white fabric. Just white cotton, nothing more. I left the store with over $100 worth of fabric, 5 solids and 11 prints. It was just crazy. The stuff was jumping out at me, with plans in place to use up many of these as soon as I got home. I couldn't wait to get going.

Something happened by the time I got home. I looked at the big stack and didn't know where to start. I sorted, folded, sorted again. It just wasn't happening. I will put it away until tomorrow and hopefully I can just hit the ground running.

10 on Tuesday

2009-10-06T06:18:00.000-07:00

10 Things you Want but Can't Afford:

1. To retire.
2. An inground swimming pool.
3. A Mercedes-Benz.
4. A new wardrobe.
5. A Harley-Davidson V-Rod.
6. A vacation home on Maui.
7. A trip to Italy.
8. A trip to Tahiti.
9. A log cabin in Door County, WI.
10. A fireplace in my kitchen.

http://www.yanowhatimean.com/tuesday/

Tomahawk Fall Ride

2009-09-19T07:47:00.000-07:00

We headed out Friday morning, the sky was clear and the temperature was cool but not uncomfortable. We were running about 15 minutes late as usual. No matter what time we were leaving, Jeff is always late. It's like a competition with him to see how close to the minute he can be and it drives me crazy. For a Friday morning rush hour, the traffic wasn't bad. We got to the Capitol Drive Harley plant where we met up with Ken and his friend Rick. So we had a nice group of three bikes for the ride north, making us more visible in a number larger than one.

So we headed out on the highway with the first stop at Shreiner's in Fond du Lac for breakfast. Each stop meant planning for the next stop when we're in a group. It's the only way we can communicate - by planning in advance. We rode to the gas station down the street from the restaurant after breakfast. Rick had the smallest bike so it was up to him to let us know how far we could ride. He said he started to get concerned at 125 miles so we agreed to start looking for the next gas station after 100 miles.

We were on highway 41 planning to take highway 10 towards Stevens Point. Jeff missed the turnoff. It was in the middle of a construction zone and I thought he was looking for 110 so I didn't mention that I saw the highway 10 exit until we were almost to Green Bay. The turnoff was on the north side of Lake Butte des Morts so it was way too far to go back. We got off the highway, re-grouped and headed into Green Bay and took highway 29 instead. On the way we passed Doc's Harley-Davidson so after a gas stop we agreed to go back and stop in. H-D clothing does not appeal to me so I didn't buy anything, neither did Rick since he doesn't have a Harley, but Ken got a shirt.

Back on the road again, the next stop was our hotel. We were staying in Wausau, so we didn't have far to go now. We all stopped at the hotel, Jeff checked us in then Ken and Rick headed out to go check in at their hotel. They were staying in Rhinelander so they had another 45 minutes ahead of them. In the meantime, we walked across the street to McDonald's for my favorite diet Coke. The caffiene was good. Back at the hotel, we got into our swimwear and headed down to the pool, maps and brochures in hand. We swam some laps to unwind, soaked in the hot tub to get the feel of the road off. Sitting by the pool, we read through our maps and brochures and planned the rest of the evening.

After showering, we got back on the bike and headed up to Tomahawk. There was a motorcycle parade starting at 5:30 so we wanted to find a nice spot to sit and watch. We parked by the event's sponsor grocery store and hit the vendor tents. We decided to head in the store, buy a 6-pack and some snacks for the parade. We met a nice guy who wanted to thank my husband for his service to our country. Jeff wears his Legion Riders motorcycle vest like a badge of honor. And sometimes people notice. This man has a son in the Navy as well so he felt compelled to tell us how proud he was of him, as it should be.

We found a nice section of lawn next to some friendly people, opened a few Pacificos, sliced some lime for the beer and munched on potato chips while waiting for the parade. Ken called to say he just got there. I told him our location in Tomahawk and he said no, he just got to his hotel, not Tomahawk! He left our hotel almost 3 hours earlier. I guess the worst thing that happened wasn't missing highway 10 anymore. He said they did a u-turn a few times when they discovered they were going the wrong way. I guess it's a good thing it's all about the ride.

It was a nice time, sitting in the grass, watching the parade with a beer and my honey. After the parade, we got on the bike and headed to the street party about a mile away. We saw Ken and Rick heading in the opposite direction, but we figured they would eventually head to the street party since the parade was over. As we went to park, which was difficult since there were so many people and so many bikes, Jeff hit the curb with his foot as the bike was moving forward. Meaning he yanked his leg backwards as the bike was in forward motion. He pretty much sprained everything from the knee to the ankle. He was lucky he was able to keep the bike upright since he was in so much pain. He got off and stretched until the pain subsided. I asked him if he wanted medical attention, we were right across the street from the police station but he said no. He wanted to walk around to see if he would be ok. I sent Ken a text message telling him where we were figuring we would run into him. With his height, he is not hard to pick out in a crowd.

The street party was pretty cool. We stopped to listen to a band called Oil Can Harry. They were pretty good. At least I thought so, Jeff said he was having a hard time thinking of them as good after attending the U2 show in Chicago on Sunday. Obviously there is no comparison so we just got a laugh out of it. Jeff wanted to move around so his leg wouldn't stiffen up. We bought 2 bottles of water and a bag of popcorn from the Boy Scouts. The really cool thing about this rally is that there are all sorts of non-profit groups here selling food to make money for their cause. It is so much better than the awful Famous Dave's Restaurant or the other crappy fare found at the rallies around home.

Jeff mentioned that he was hungry for pizza so on a whim, I stopped at a tent selling slices and we split a piece of sausage pizza. Amazingly, it was hot and delicious. And it was just enough food for us. We walked to the east end of the street where another band was playing. I don't know their name, but they weren't as good as Oil Can Harry so it didn't matter for me to find out.

We walked, ate our pizza, enjoyed each other's company, then decided to head back to the hotel. I checked my phone for messages, there were two missed calls. Between the loud bands and being on the bike, the best form of communication is text messages. You get them when you can and you don't have to be someplace quiet to hear the message - or the phone ring for that matter. It was late, we weren't hanging around anymore. It was late for us anyway, it was almost 10:00.

The 30 minute ride back to the hotel was a little chilly, but in the north woods, where there are no big city lights, the stars were incredible. There were so many and it felt like you could just reach out and touch them. They were so bright among the darkness of the empty highway. The air was crisp and the view when looking up was spectacular.

It was a nice day, nice, safe ride, and a good time.

I am a Packers fan

2009-09-13T20:10:00.000-07:00

I'm watching the Bears vs. Packers game and it feels kind of weird. As a lifetime Packers fan, there's no doubt which team I want to win. As a die hard Brett Favre fan, I still don't want the Vikings to win because I am a Packers fan. My cousin Karen is married to Virginia McCaskey's grandson, my niece, Megan's brother-in-law is Dan Buenning who plays for the Bears yet of all teams in the history of the world, it's OK if any team wins except for the Bears because I am a Packers fan. But I love Chicago yet I hate the Bears. It's a great town yet the fans are nasty.

10 on Tuesday

2009-09-08T19:41:00.000-07:00

10 Bad Habits You Can't Break:

1. Bad driving.
2. Sarcastic remarks.
3. Too much time on the computer.
4. Eating stuff I shouldn't eat.
5. Going to bed too late.
6. Not making a lunch for work.
7. Not getting rid of old things.
8. Buying too much fabric.
9. Throwing away food.
10. Being judgmental.

http://www.yanowhatimean.com/tuesday/

Labor Day picnic

2009-09-07T17:58:00.000-07:00

BJ was home for the long weekend and I suggested that he invite his friends over for a barbecue on Monday so he doesn't have to chase all over to see them. He thought it was a great idea so we planned a nice lunch. The beauty is that I didn't have to worry about lots of drinking and guests staying too long since BJ had to get on a plane around 5pm.

I invited family and he invited his friends so we had a little gathering of 30 people for lunch. I made enough food for everyone, bought a bunch of soda, but asked that they all bring their own beer. Funny thing happened, they brought no beer. They spent so much of the weekend partying that they didn't want any. So they were a pretty subdued group.

I won a cornhole game at a golf outing recently so we got to play for the first time. I made the little corn bags for the game so I got to try them out first. It is a cool game and it kept everyone entertained for the afternoon. Small children played in the sand left where the swimming pool was standing and I dug out some toys I've been saving for them to play with.

It was an tense afternoon, filled with crap I hate. Jen and Matt won't talk to BJ, Kelly is mad at Mike, Carmen is mad at Kelly and as far as I am concerned they are all wrong and ridiculous. I stay out of all of it, but it eats away at me. I don't know if I should get involved but I just don't see the worth of sticking my two cents in. All I know is I am annoyed at all of them. Maybe if I blogged my thoughts I would feel better - that is until one of them reads this.

Once everyone heads out, I am left with Bailee and Adam and we all sit down and have a beer (except for pregnant Bailee of course). It's crazy that when it comes to some things these two seem the most normal yet they have the most bad stuff that they are up against. Maybe it's the adversity that makes them more normal than the rest.

At the end of this day, I am just glad everyone was fed, had a good time, or pretended to, and went home. It was good to have BJ home, good to see him and all his nice friends. It was good to have all the family together, no matter what. I don't think I will do this again.

Peter and Lara's wedding

2009-09-06T14:09:00.000-07:00

We went to a wedding with BJ and Lauren yesterday and it was one of the best ceremonies that I have ever attended. One of BJ's very close friends is the groom so some of his entourage will also be attending which is good since we don't know anybody.

The wedding was held at a friend of the bride's house in their backyard. The house was located on Lake Michigan in Mequon, the weather was perfect, it was the most amazing setting for a wedding. We walked a long path from the front of the house to the backyard where the landscaping was well done, there was a decorated port-a-potty, just in case, on the path, we passed a cute little potting shed then found ourselves on a walk way lined in hydrangeas, in a backyard filled with white chairs that had champagne glasses tied with a bow on the back of them. We were handed a program and a vial of bubbles. I wanted to blow the bubbles since the moment they were handed to me.

There was an arch covered in flowers at the edge of the yard. The background was filled with the view of Lake Michigan. The beautiful blue water was accented by the clear blue sky, it was breath-taking. There was a three-piece ensemble including a flutist, pianist, and cellist playing classical music which completed the gorgeous setting.

The beauty of these two young people is their desire to make the world a better place. They met at a political meeting, they love animals, and they work in careers that are all about helping people. Even during their wedding ceremony, they wanted to make sure everyone was involved. In the middle of the ceremony, the rings were passed around so everyone in attendance could bless them. It made me feel like I was truly a part of the wedding. Towards the end of the ceremony, the bridesmaids and groomsmen filled everyone's champagne glasses so we could toast the bride and groom at the end of the ceremony. I've never participated in a wedding quite like this.

After the ceremony, we drove a few miles down the road to the bride's home for dinner on the lawn. The yard was beautifully decorated, with large tents, a long table for the wedding party, and round tables for the guests. There were hydrangeas and candles everywhere. There was an open bar and as the drinks started flowing, some food was served. Apparently there was one little mistake, the house was locked when the caterers got there so nothing was ready as guests arrived. Seriously, no one would have ever guessed. There were hors d'oeuvres then more hors d'oeuvres then even more. The bride and groom were in a horse-drawn carriage that would take an hour to get to this reception so this was a great way to fill the time.

During the dinner the bride presented the groom with a special gift. She gave him a tree in memory of the groom's deceased father. It was a wonderful gesture. After dinner there were wedding cupcakes. They were decorated and arranged beautifully. The presentation was better than a wedding cake.

I loved how intimate this gathering of family and friends was. It had all the beauty and elegance of weddings in big churches and giant banquet halls, but it was better. All the guests felt special and really honored to be there. It was a beautiful experience.

Lakefront Brewery tour

2009-09-06T06:37:00.000-07:00

The Lakefront Brewery tour is the best brewery tour there is. Hands down, no doubt. This isn't the first time I took the tour, but it was different this time because of Curtsy, the tour guide. He was truly the funniest, most entertaining, engaging tour guide of all the tour guides on all the brewery tours.

I love how they give you beer at the beginning of the tour, in the middle of the tour, and at the end of the tour. We drank a variety of beer, my favorite of the day is called Wheat Monkey or Monkey Wheat...I can't remember after having a few of these. All I know is it was fun before we even started. The brewery bought some of the props from old County Stadium so we took photos in Bernie's house.

BJ was a little disappointed that they handed us a plastic cup thinking this was his souvenir but it was just for the safety of the tour. The guide even explained how they are going green and these cups were made from recycled biodegradable materials that are recycled again after we use them. We got the real glass beer glasses at the end of the tour. It was interesting to learn that all beer is made with the same 4 ingredients, barley, hops , yeast and water. Amazing how it all comes out differently.

At the end, we all sat out on the Milwaukee River and enjoyed the beautiful day. It felt kind of weird that we were going to a wedding after the tour, so we were dressed better than necessary for a brewery tour. It didn't matter, it was fun, even in the stuffy dressy clothes.

Hope springs eternal

2009-09-01T13:25:00.000-07:00

Bailee is pregnant again. She is excited, scared, but mostly excited or mostly scared. It depends on how her day is going.

I am nervous, scared, worried, so psychologically damaged, I don't know what to think.

Her due date is March 5th, just a few days after my birthday.

God help us all.

Trip to Galena

2009-08-31T14:20:00.000-07:00

We rode to Galena, Illinois this weekend for a little getaway. We decided to take the highway (I-43 to I-39) to get out of town since it was overcast, windy, just a little chilly. Normally we would take more scenic roads that took more time but we figured we should just get there, get off the bike and hope for a warmer, more scenic ride back tomorrow. Luckily, the main route through Illinois to Galena is US-20 which is also named the Ulysses S Grant Memorial Highway and it brought some great views along the way. It was a pretty fast 186-mile ride.

Downtown Galena was a nice, quaint place. The historical buildings were impressive and we enjoyed a walk to Grant Park. There were plenty of Ulysses S. Grant information stops and historical items available to see since this was his birth place. We walked the downtown shops, stopped to buy some cheeses and chocolates, then went to a wine tasting. I will admit that I do not like Wisconsin wines. Every time we've gone to a wine tasting, I end up buying a bottle of something I don't really like that much. So I decided that we would buy no wine here in Illinois. I was assuming it was like the Wisconsin counterpart. We picked up a bottle to go with the cheeses and chocolates. It was so much better than any Wisconsin wine I've ever had, that I had a hard time picking out just one.

After that we checked out the restaurants on our downtown walk in order to pick a place for dinner later in the evening. It was a good day to be out and about on these pretty streets.
Then we went back to the hotel to soak in the hot tub with the wine and cheeses. It felt good to get the dirt from the 3-plus hours' ride off. After a relaxing late afternoon, we got dressed and headed back downtown for a wonderful dinner. It was a nice way to end a good day of travel.

After a morning soak in the hot tub, we packed the bike up and headed towards Dubuque, Iowa. We took the back roads and enjoyed the rolling hills and the georgeous Illinois country side. The views were surprisingly incredible. I had the impression that the land was nothing but corn and soy and very flat. Boy was I wrong!

We got to Dubuque where there is a Riverwalk on the Mississippi River. Getting off the bike for a walk was a nice change of pace. So I walked down to the water to put my hand in and found it pleasantly warm. Warmer than I expected anyway. I told Jeff that next time we ride this way we will have to plan a picnic lunch at this spot, it's quite the incredible view.

The Mississippi River Walk had an art fair with many pieces along the river. We stopped and checked them all out as well as a railroad trestle build in the 1840's that was still in tact over the river. We saw egrets and blue herons walking in the water searching for food. We took some photos and headed back to the bike. I thought it would be cool if we could bring back some Iowa corn, but seeing as we were in downtown Dubuque on a Sunday, there weren't alot of farmers or farmers' markets around. So no Iowa corn.

We hit the road again and enjoyed roller coaster like ride out of town. The twists and turns in the roads were great fun on a motorcycle. We stopped at a farm and picked up a dozen ears of Illinois corn. After a few hours on the bike we found a small town where we had a late lunch. A truck driver in the booth next to us heard us reviewing maps and he gave us details on how to get to one of the state highways in order to ride through lots of small towns on our way back to Wisconsin. It was good advice, the ride was wonderful. By the time we got home we had a renewed sense of adventure, one that we hadn't felt in a long time so I am really glad we went.

Strange work stuff

2009-08-25T20:28:00.000-07:00

The poser is let go, or quit or something. I really don't know how it went but he's gone. From little innuendoes from the boss, I think he was fired. At the same time I didn’t think she had the energy to do the paperwork. So I’m gonna go with quit… or something.

Zappa plays Zappa

2009-08-23T08:36:00.000-07:00

I bought tickets for the Zappa plays Zappa show as a gift for Jeff. The show comes highly recommended by a music professional/enthusiast that I trust at work. I had no expectations about the show, it was just a gift and it seems that as we get older the experiences we have are more important than things one collects.

The music lover from work invited us along with his group the day of the concert for drinks and dinner before the show. I loved the idea, although I wasn't so sure about showing up for drinks 3 hours before the show started. Since I'm not good at handling alcohol, too much time can be a bad thing.

We got to the bar 15 minutes after our host and his son arrived. His other friends were not there yet so it was the four of us. It made for a great start to the evening being able to chat in a smaller group. The Harp was going down nicely which worried me. We discussed the son's recent college graduation and some of his future plans. We talked about the friends that were expected to come in the door at any moment, but mostly we talked about the music. There were many great bands in our pasts as well as theirs and it made for an interesting discussion.

Our host's friends came with another couple so we all introduced each other as the waitress asked us if we would like to move upstairs. The conversation is better, the view of downtown is better, and just maybe she had an idea that we were going to need the space. It was a great location for a sizeable group. Especially when our host's wife and daughter joined in, making us a group of 10. We talked and drank and laughed and drank until we had some dinner. Then we talked and drank some more.

It was a fun afternoon with interesting people. I felt comfortable, like I've known these people for a while even though I met most of them today. Such a very warm and friendly group. We knew our son-in-law was going to the show and from our view, we could see him and his brother walking across the street. I tried to text a message to get him to stop by but he didn't check the message in time.

As it turns out, there are four bands in this show. We thought it was just Zappa playing Zappa followed by Dream Theater. Since some of our group was interested in Zappa and some in Dream Theater, we all decided to skip the first two bands. So the concert I thought I was going to at 6 turned out to have a 7:20 start. And that meant more drinking, talking, laughing, and having fun. This evening is great and I haven't even seen a concert yet. I learned how good Bombay Sapphire gin is on ice, even though I knew it wasn't a good idea to mix the hard stuff with beer. So I'm still standing and it's all good.

We got to the show and had to kick people out of our seats. Five minutes later, it didn't matter, we moved up by the rest of our dinner group (there were three empy seats next to them so we took up two). Dweezil Zappa came on and it was magical. If I closed my eyes, I thought Frank was on the stage, truly amazing. I was remembering concerts of the 70's when Frank Zappa was in his prime and how the bands of those days came on stage in jeans, funky t-shirts and usually boots. I don't know why, but I always remember boots. Now I look on stage and I see some of the band in cargo shorts and running shoes. It feels wrong like a princess on a Harley wrong. I know it's just the changing times.

I think about how the images of the past flash by, like a collage of little snapshots in time. Leather boots, long haired guitar players, skinny lead singers, the back-up girls all moving in unison. Even though I can feel the electricity of the moment, the melancholy loss of my youth, the terrible events of this year all become part of the slide show images that flash by. Sounds of Frank through his son is a reminder of that past. I think of how Dweezil must feel when he plays his dad's music and I wonder. Does he miss him terribly, or does the music make him feel closer to his dad? I bet it's both, at least the thought brings me some comfort.

I open my eyes to the magic in the air from the music. There is a lot of talent on that stage. I really dig the xylophone sounds. As they finished their set, I was disappointed at how quickly the time had gone by. Even though it felt like he had just started playing, he was on the stage for over 45 minutes. What a great show.

The people who own these seats come to claim them for Dream Theater and we move back nine rows to our original spot. Jeff buys everyone a beer, our new friends buy more beer. More beer. Dream Theater plays and I am still feeling a sort of high from Zappa playing Zappa.

I bought these tickets as a gift for Jeff but at the end of this evening, I think the gift was mine.

Another bad boss

2009-08-21T22:47:00.000-07:00

I haven't thought about my bad boss stories for a while. Although nothing has really changed since the last bad boss was fired. That's not totally a fair statement, having a bad boss hasn't changed it's just that the new version of the bad boss is very different from the old bad boss.

This new manager has been here a year. We pinned our hopes on a boss who was fair, knowledgeable and hard working, with the determination to set higher standards for our department since we are quality assurance. We did get someone who was knowledgeable. At least knowledgeable about how QA should work. As for the rest all we see is someone who is unfair, unmotivated and a pushover. She is nice to us, I will say that. But nice doesn't cut the mustard.

One of the first things on her agenda was to hire a replacement for someone who was leaving. A few interviews were conducted before she mentioned someone she worked with at her last job. She said she needed to convince him to submit his resume. It was looking like that company was going to close which is why she came here so she thought she could recruit someone else before they were all out of a job. It was difficult to convince him because he had the benefit of working from home. That would not be an option here, we only allow it for special circumstances (so we were told). So finally he came in. Some of the team got to interview him, and he was knowledgeable, in fact probably the best of the candidates available at that time.

So the boss buddy started working for us. He has a wacky schedule due to child care issues which isn't a bad thing for those he has to work with if it's consistent so his team always know when he can be counted on. After the first month of work went by the work at home days started. By the end of the third month there wasn't a single week without a work at home day. Others in the department joined in by taking last minute work at home days, following his lead. My child is sick, my basement is flooded, I have a doctor's appointment, my car broke down. The reasons were coming fast and furious as many on the team took advantage.

There is one person that the boss isn't really that fond of. Personally, I think this person is way overpaid for the little work they do and the expertise is suspect at best. He is a poser who makes excuses like it's too much to work on more than one project at a time, or he's never worked on that kind of software so he can't be expected to know what to do....whatever. So the boss probably has some justification for her dislike. As the work at home reasons kept coming month after month, it was May when one person decided to work from home on a Wednesday, boss buddy was going to work from home on Wednesday, then poser says he is going to do the same on Friday. No one asked for these days, they all just stated that's what they were going to do.

That was the straw that broke the pushover's back. Or so we thought.

So pushover boss sends a stern email to the team about too many work from home days, how it's not fair to those who use vacation/personal/sick for the same situations and to knock it off. Little did we know that she didn't mean that for everybody. In a one-on-one meeting I had I thanked her for putting her foot down and mentioned that one of the project managers thought that her boss buddy was part time since he was gone many days from the office. Pushover was shocked, she was complaining about the poser, not her buddy. So I guess I put my foot in my mouth on that one.

So the work from home days stopped for a whole week. Then boss buddy called in sick. The next day he called in sick again. But in the middle of the day we discovered he was assigned a project that same day to do from home. Since the project was just turned over, it was obvious she was covering for him by telling the staff he was sick but really he was working from home. We have the availability to run billable hours reports and that proved the work from home/sick cover up.

So here we go again on that rollercoaster of doing/fixing nothing. Just more bad treatment for some of us good employees.

The winning ticket (again)

2009-08-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

Today I attended the Fore Life, Fore Hope Golf Outing at Scenic View Country Club. This was a charity event to raise money for the Medical College of Wisconsin's cancer research center. The real reason I went was that a co-worker, John was the chairperson and I don't mind helping him out. Plus I like golf, even though I am not very good at it.

My foursome played decently, considering none of us golf much. But mostly we had fun. It was a gorgeous day and the course is in Holy Hill, where rolling hills are the norm so the view was fantastic. By the end of the day the sun did me in, and I was ready to call it quits before the last hole. I did finish, even though it was tough.

We got to the clubhouse where we had a nice banquet dinner and the golf prizes were awarded. On the course we had the opportunity to buy raffle tickets, and if you got the ball on the green in one, your raffle tickets were doubled. That didn't matter, none of us did it. Although we came close a few times. John stopped by to thank me for putting a foursome together and he let me know that he really appreciated it by giving me two extra raffle tickets. I pointed to the Cornhole game that he had as a prize and I told him jokingly I really hoped to win that. It looked like it was a lot higher quality than the ones at the game stores.

In the past year, at charity events that both John and I attended I've won a microwave oven, a trip for two (airfare and hotel), two $50 gift cards for local restaurants, and an overnight stay in a hotel suite. There were a few other small things as well so John is always teasing that he knows I'm going to win something!

I don't think about it, or hope for it, I just buy the tickets like everyone else. The raffle started and they called off number after number and finally, one of our foursome got a prize. I was glad because it was the newest member of our team. Three of us golfed together last year so it was cool that the new guy won. All the prizes were awarded except the last two. John looked at me with this, "what's up?" look, like I was supposed to automatically get a prize. I just rolled my eyes thinking fat chance, my luck can't hold out forever.

The second last prize was awarded. Then they brought out the Cornhole game and I said to my team, if there was a prize I could pick that would have been it - it's so cool. And the number was called. I popped up out of my chair hooting and cheering all the way up to the winner's table! It was mine and I could not believe it. John just shook his head.

Right before we were getting ready to leave he stopped by my table to congratulate me again and I mentioned that the winning ticket was one of the two he gave me, I didn't win off of the tickets I bought. (He asked me not to mention that to anyone.) It was a fun evening and I still cannot believe my luck. If only I could get that darn lottery ticket to match later tonight.

Wisconsin State Fair

2009-08-10T15:25:00.000-07:00

We spent the day at the Wisconsin State Fair. It was so early that there weren't that many people there. Since the exhibition hall was the closest building we started the day by weaving our way through all the vendors hocking their wares. It was all worthless junk, but fun to listen to the silly sales pitches that made the stuff seem worth while. The people watching is always a hoot as well.

It was barely 10:30 before we passed the margarita tent and I had to have one. After all, I am on vacation today. After I picked up the margarita we were ready for breakfast. I got a Wisconsin-made sausage while Jeff got the omelet. We had to get some milk as well. I tried chocolate malted milk for the first time and it was awesome. It was good to eat something hardy after the pre-breakfast tequila.

As we sat and ate our breakfast, an older couple (meaning older than us) sat down next to us. They were pushing a baby stroller that was holding a little boy who seemed not much more than a year old. They fed him a little spoon of plain ice cream and he seemed to gobble it up with delight. It made me cry. In one minute I was content, the next I was so sad, missing our baby Stephen so badly, missing the opportunity to take him to the fair. The heartbreak hit me hard.

I tried to move on but the image of the content, happy baby just stuck in my mind. We walked through the barns, checked out the sheep, chickens, cows, horses, and pigs. It was good to walk the food off. And the liquor. We went over to the horticultural building, which is my very favorite. It has all the winning entries for the foods and crafts. I love looking at the quilts.

After the quilts, we stopped at the DNR where I asked about getting rid of the hawk in the yard. The ranger told me what I already knew, stop feeding the birds if I want the hawk to go away. I was hoping for a miracle answer. At the House of Harley tent and chatted with a friend. He filled us in on his recent travels then we were off to look for Stonethrow Winery's booth. I passed the information tent to discover that they weren't there this year. The next stop was the WEnergies Park that had lots of information on going green. I picked up a brochure on rain barrels, saw a rain chain in action, and got idea for making my own version of a topsy turvy for tomato plants.

I saw a woman eating the chocolate covered bacon. I wanted to try that until I saw her eating it, it looked gross. We turned the corner and as soon as I saw Slim McGinn's, I had to have the reuben on a stick. It was so good Jeff ordered one. I had a Harp and he had a bottle of water. The Harp was good. Beer at noon isn't a bad thing. At least not at the fair. From there we went through the Merchandise Mile (under the race track grandstand) just to work off the meat on a stick.

We realized that we saw all there was to see. We hung out at a few stops to rest, and we were ready to go home. So we picked up a 6-pack of cream puffs and headed out.

The fifth season

2009-08-03T18:55:00.000-07:00

There is a man at the end of our block who coaches a youth football team. All summer long he had a sign in his yard advertising team openings in the youth league. Since it is summer, I thought I would be looking at that sign for quite a while. But I noticed yesterday that it's not in the yard anymore. It's barely a day into August so it doesn't seem like it's time to think about football! Or is it time?

This neighbor/coach has a tractor that is rickety and makes a distinct clackety-clack when it goes by the house. He uses it to haul the football equipment from his home to the park. Our house is right between the two points so over the years it's become a traditional part of the end of summer - new school year - start of fall tradition. During football season, it goes by every week night and returns when the sun goes down. It's as constant as the smell of coffee in the morning.

Sadly, today the tractor went by. Just as I was starting to try not to notice that the sun is going down earlier and the school supplies are the main event in the Sunday paper's flyers, the sound hit me like the alarm going off on work days. It's just too soon to be thinking about fall and football and school days. I barely got used to the summer days. How quickly the seasons change. The funny thing is that the tractor is sort of soothing, like an old friend.

Compassionate Friends Balloon Launch

2009-07-27T22:54:00.000-07:00

Compassionate Friends held a balloon launch to honor the children’s names that are being dedicated to the memorial ‘wall’. The term ‘wall’ is loosely defined as it is actually a circular granite bench that surrounds a mini-garden that is known as the memorial garden. Basically it’s a giant planter in the middle of the community center’s main sidewalk; it’s a pretty space and a nice space. Our sweet baby Stephen’s name was one of the new names engraved on this granite ‘wall’ so our balloon was launched honoring his memory.
Since we’re new to this experience, we didn’t really know what to expect. When we walked into the meeting room, the first person we encountered was a man who was Jeff’s umpire partner a few years back, Wayne. Jeff immediately approached him to find out his connection to this group and it turns out he is the brother-in-law to one of the Compassionate Friends co-leaders and he was asked to read the names of the children who were dedicated on the new wall.
After talking to Wayne, we went over to a table where they were selling blue rubber bracelets like the original LiveStrong ones. These ones are swirly blue and while like clouds and they say FORVER IN MY HEART flanked by a butterfly on each end. We bought two and the money goes to Compassionate Friends. The last table we stopped at had little square sheets of paper to write a message on. The idea was to write your message, roll it up, tie it to a balloon and send it up to heaven.

We were told ahead of time to bring a photo of our child so I brought the special photo/poem tribute that my friend Chris had a photographer make for me. I put it in a table top photo frame that would stand up easily. I found the table with all the photos; it was filled with candles, flowers, and many other children’s photos and I gently placed our baby’s picture among the rest. Bailee also brought a photo, one I had never seen before so I was pleasantly surprised. I didn’t think there would be something new I didn’t know about so this was wonderful to see. She had the photo in a gorgeous frame given to her by our friend, Midge.

We sat down by our friends, the Hortons, whose daughter died from MS in December. We chatted for a while, and then another CF member, Chris came and sat by us. Chris and his wife Kim lost their baby to Trisonomy 13, a genetic disease that only allowed him to live the first day after birth. Chris brought his parents along and he introduced them to all of us. Chris is connected to Jeff because they worked together at GE. I met him when we did the 2-day MS bike ride together on Team GE. Chris and Bailee were much more so connected by the loss of their children and at the end of this event they spent some quality time talking things out and catching up with the current events in their lives. I was glad both Bailee and Adam had Chris to connect with.

The program started with a greeting from the Compassionate Friends leader followed by a moving song about balloons to heaven. Wayne and the chapter co-leader took turns reading the new names then there was a 10-minute video that contained the photos of all the children honored over the years. I really did not want to see the video, the self-centered version of me felt this would be wasting my time since our baby boy would not be in it and even as the production started to roll, all I could think of was that I could have done a better job of putting together this thing. It was full of hokey misused transitions from photo to photo and it was on a video that you can purchase. Where’s the DVD version?

Then the photos became familiar. Too many babies, too many small children, and too many names that I knew! Young children and grown children, somebody’s children. I am humbled by the experience. By the time the video ended I felt compassion for all these people who attended. I thought of all those mothers and fathers and all that loss and that the loss was mine as well as theirs. I felt like I wasn’t alone in my grief.

I immediately filled out my note to heaven. I asked Bailee and Adam if they wanted to do the same and they declined. It was too hard for them. I asked Jeff if he wanted to do it and he said no, he says he sends a message to the baby daily so he didn’t see this as necessary. Sandy, Stephen’s other grandma picked out the balloon and I tied my note to it. I gave the balloon back to Sandy so she could release when it was time. By the time I finished writing my note, an ex-co-worker from years ago, Laurie approached me wanting to know why I was there. I explained that my daughter’s baby died from SIDS and she immediately hugged me then hugged Bailee twice. She said her friend’s son had died from a choking game where he hung himself. I told her I was there when the parents came to the first CF meeting and I told her I was sorry she had to be a part of all this grief as well.
After some volunteers handed us flowers we walked out to the memorial garden. Everyone gathered around to get ready to release the balloons. Bailee ran back in to the building to get the baby’s photos so we could beat the rush later. When Bailee came out Sandy gave the balloon back so she could release it. The queue was when the butterfly balloon goes up, and then we release the balloon. The group fell pretty silent as they all went up. It was an incredible sight. We didn’t stay to enjoy the camaraderie, it just felt right to go.

Travel decision is done

2009-07-13T21:07:00.000-07:00

I won a travel gift certificate at last year's golf outing and all I remembered is that it expired before the next golf outing. So I had a year to use it. Or so I thought. The outing is always the third Wednesday in July and for some reason I had it stuck in my head that I had that long to use it. Seeing the the outing is just a week and a half away, I better use the thing now. So I dug it out of my important papers, opened it and discovered that it expired on Friday! Oh my God, I just let $600 slip through my fingers. I couldn't believe I could be so stupid.

So I called the travel agent and told them my dilemma and they graciously agreed to extend the expiration date for six more months. I was extremely grateful but I also told them I would be there before the end of the day. I had to finally decide. As crazy as it sounds, making this travel decision was terribly difficult. Ever since I won it, I found it almost a burden to try to spend it wisely. And since January, I have been consumed with grief making it impossible to decide what to do with the prize travel money. Today was the turning point, letting it slip through my fingers is a terrible waste, one that I could not afford. For months I thought about Alaskan cruises, tropical vacations, even spending it on a trip to a Packer game in a warm state in winter. I just had so much trouble. But in the back of my mind I have always wanted to go to the Charles M Schulz museum. It seems frivilous to travel all the way to Santa Rosa, California to see Charlie Brown, Snoopy, and the rest of the gang that I love so much. The justification came when I reminded myself that this was a prize, a prize I won and I could do what I wanted with.
When we got to the travel office, the agent reiterated that we could extend the gift certificate for six more months so I really didn't have to decide today. I told her that would mean I would be back there in six months asking for another extension, so I need to get this done. I explained my desire to see the museum to the travel agent, she turned to her computer typed a few lines and said, "You're going on a wine country tour, and staying in the Sonoma Valley. I have a 4-star hotel for you 6 miles from the Charles M Schulz museum. Is that OK?"

"Umm, yeah", I said.

Jeff says half-heartedly, "So we're gonna do Sideways?"

Sure looks that way. After a few scenarios through three different California airports, all close to Santa Rosa, the travel agent gets us into San Francisco by 11am so we have lots of time to drive 50 minutes to Santa Rosa before rush hour.

Jeff says, "We are going to Fisherman's Wharf for lunch!" Now there's enthusiasm in his voice.

The travel agent mentions Muir woods, many wine tastings, and driving to the ocean. There are plenty of things to do besides the museum and that cheers us both up. The trip doesn't feel so frivolous any more.

I have a sense of relief for finally deciding, and actually feel like there's something to look forward to. I'm glad I got this done.

The pink sink

2009-07-06T18:39:00.000-07:00

So there's this sink. Actually, it's not a sink, it's a bathroom counter top with the center cut out where there used to be a sink.

The sink is pink. Actually it's not pink, it's mauve. OK, so I call the mauve countertop a pink sink. I think pink sink has a better ring to it.

The pink sink has been leaning up against the neighbor's deck since October, 2007. Yes, it's been there approximately 643 days, but I'm not counting. I'm complaining, not counting.

Last year, my son bought me a lilac bush for Mothers' Day - the idea was to hide the view of the pink sink. Six weeks later at his graduation party, he offered to steal the pink sink. In their inebriated state, his friends would help him take it away late in the evening. I said absolutely NOT. What if they got caught? I have to live next to these people so that would suck. Right after his graduation party, he moved to the west coast. He came home the week of Memorial Day for vacation and he noticed the pink sink, looked at me and said, "I would have gotten rid of that, but you wouldn't let me, remember?" Yes, I remember.

The neighbor on the other side of me noticed the pink sink. She is pretty particular, so I'm not surprised. She asked me, "What's with the sink?" OK, she said countertop but I prefer sink. When I told her how long it was there, she seemed more annoyed than I was.

It's like a redneck backyard, the pallets piled up, the old bricks in a toppled stack, the half-opened bags of sand, none of that matters, just that damn sink. I know it's not rational, but I love sitting outside to enjoy the view, how green and lush everything is and then there's that pink sink.

Toby meets a toad

2009-06-27T18:00:00.000-07:00

I took Toby out for the usual Saturday morning walk around the yard. There happens to be a black toad living by the roses so I thought it would be fun to see how the curiosity of a cat behaves around this newly discovered creature. Toby loves to check out the critters who live in the yard, it's always entertaining.

As he approached the toad, Toby put out his paw to touch the creature, next thing I knew the cat was shaking his head from side-to-side while flinging his saliva everywhere. He was foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog. From trying to get rid of it, the foamy saliva was wrapped all around his head to where he looked like he was slimed like in Ghostbusters.

I immediately got some paper towels, wet them down and wiped all the saliva off the cat. He was pretty uncomfortable but he settled down once I cleaned off his tongue. I quickly googled the toad to discover that they shoot venom as protection from predators. The venom makes the victim uncomfortable, but is basically harmless in the long run. Well he was pretty uncomfortable all right.

I felt so bad that I could have harmed my little kitty. Toby is so friendly and harmless and I thought it would be fun to watch is gentle curiosity in action. Thank goodness he is OK.

Stuck in a moment

2009-06-27T07:29:00.001-07:00

I don't know why it is, but I just can't seem to make a decision. I should be planning a vacation, planning a rummage sale, and taking some random days off to get things done around the house but I can't even pick a day to take off. I don't know what's the matter with me. Is this a result of living a grief-filled life? This lack of decision-making increases my angst which is already too much. Even writing is tough, but it's supposed to be helpful in the grieving process. I don't see how. The thing is, I don't know that I want to move on. It feels like moving on would mean letting go of our sweet little baby and I will never let go. I don't see any options. Maybe there is a different version of normal that I have to learn to live with and this is it. A life filled with indecision and stuck in a vacuum. The one thing I do wish is that I could dream in color again.

The robin babies

2009-06-14T18:29:00.000-07:00

The babies are growing at an amazing rate. It's incredible to think that in two weeks' time they hatch and then fly away. I know I am annoying the parents as they squawk every time I open the door. I try to take photos while they are out digging for worms, but they always come back to the nest pretty quickly. It's been a fun week watching them grow.

BJ visits for the week

2009-05-31T19:37:00.000-07:00

Having BJ home for a week was a whirlwind of activities. We spent Monday and Wednesday at the Brewers' game, Thursday at the golf course in Iron Mountain, and Saturday on a Sprecher tour. We squeezed in as much as we could. We had a group lunch at Sobelman's, went miniature golfing, and enjoyed his company and his many friends. I think we miss his friends almost as much as he does.

The Monday game was the most fun, 30 of his friends all together at the same time. What a good time! We tailgated and even had our own port-a-john. It was purple so we named it Barney. While waiting for everyone to gather to drive into the stadium parking lot, Jeff walked over to Menard's and bought a step-ladder to get to the port-a-john since it was in the back of Khanh's dad's truck. The game was great (the Brewers won), the kids were a little obnoxious, making it even more fun, and everyone had a blast.

At the end of the week it was hard to say good-bye. Even though he was home for 10 days, it seemed like he just got here.

A new family moves in

2009-05-30T18:04:00.000-07:00

I came home last week to find a bird's nest perched in the wreath on the front porch. I peeked in the nest and it was empty. Considering that it's almost June, I assumed this nest was already used and the birds were done with it. Especially since the week before I saw the nest, I found a broken robin's egg under the bushes. I figured I would leave the nest there as part of the decor. When I remembered the broken robin's egg under the bushes, I decided to place it into the used nest. Just as I gently picked up the broken egg to set in in the nest I discovered there were two eggs in the nest! I peeked again the next day to find three eggs. I waited until there were no neighbors around, I really do not want to draw attention to this for fear of something bad happening, so when no one was around I took a photo of mom sitting on the nest.

This morning mom robin left the nest, probably to get some food. It rained last night and there were plenty of worms available for her. I got up on a wicker chair on the porch to get a good look at the eggs with my camera in my hand. Much to my amazement, there were a total of four eggs! What a beautiful sight to see and I hope I can get a shot of the babies when they finally hatch. By my calculations, the babies should be here next weekend.

I just wanted my blood pressure checked

2009-05-19T13:07:00.000-07:00

Today there was a health fair at work. The company brings in vendors such as the YMCA, a massage studio, Weight Watcher’s, and representatives from their health insurer, vision care, dental, and employee assistance. The health fair also offers health screening services. As an incentive, they give you a numbered card that corresponds to the number of vendor/representatives who have tables to visit and if you get your card “stamped” by each vendor your name goes into a drawing for a $25 gift certificate towards your health care.

I do not subscribe to the health insurance offered by the company so I am not eligible for the prize – can’t take money off of something I don’t buy in the first place. Not that it would matter; I am really not interested in most of the vendor offerings anyway. I was interested in one of the screening services offered.

As part of the Health Fair, the screening services included glucose and cholesterol testing, body mass index, height, weight, and blood pressure checks were offered. On the flyers sent to all employees, there was a suggestion that read, “Avoid waiting in lines and make an appointment for your glucose, cholesterol, and body mass index testing”. I was not interested in any of these so I did not bother to call for an “appointment”.

I headed down to the Health Fair as soon as it opened for business. In our largest conference room, half the space was dedicated to the vendors/representatives and the other half had medical staff for the screening services. There were three people milling around in the vendor area when I got there. I went straight to the registration table where I was greeted with a smile and handed a tote bag with a granola bar in it. I was asked to write my name and phone extension on one of the blank numbered cards. I told the greeter that I didn’t want one; I was just there for a blood pressure check. She stared at me blankly, so I took the card, filled in my name and extension and walked into the conference room. I could clearly see the division between screening and vendors so I walked over to the first screening table to see if I had to fill out a form to get my blood pressure checked. The screener said yes, and handed me a form to complete that had four questions on it that all pertained to the drawing of blood. I answered them but reminded them that I just wanted my blood pressure checked.

Next thing you know, this woman who was accepting appointments for the glucose, cholesterol, body mass index testing states loudly that I Do NOT HAVE AN APPOINTMENT! I said, “No, I only want my blood pressure checked”. Again she stated, “But you don’t have an appointment!” I meekly mentioned that according to her flyer, I did not need an appointment for a blood pressure check. And I just want my blood pressure checked. The screener said it was OK, she would do it. I think she was embarrassed.

Then the appointment taker stated that there were three people in front of me who had appointments. I motioned dramatically towards the only three people in the room who did not seem to be waiting for appointments. In fact, one of them was the company’s Benefits Director who could see my frustration, and came running over firmly demanding that they just CHECK MY BLOOD PRESSURE. Finally!

By now, just imagine what kind of reading they would get. Since there were more screeners and vendors in the room than employees, everyone witnessed this. So three screeners had me sit down, relax, then they explained that they will take my blood pressure in 5 minutes to get a better reading.

After 5 minutes passed, the screener took the reading and wrote it on a piece of paper. She asked me to sit a while longer and she would take it again. After another few minutes she took it again and wrote the numbers down again. I never saw the numbers; she was writing them on the consent form I signed which was on the table behind me. Then the screener says to me, “Would you like me to take it a third time?”

I think my blood pressure went up dramatically just from the question. My response was, “I don’t know, you haven’t told me what the first two readings were!” She then proceeded to tell me that they were not allowed to say them out loud which is when she figured she should actually show me the paper she was writing on. 160/90, 154/88….gee, what a surprise! How can this be so complicated? I said yes, please take it again knowing very well it would not be good…155/82.

So much for the term “Health Fair”.

My turn to grieve

2009-05-11T21:26:00.000-07:00

I got to the gym this morning with this overwhelming feeling of sadness, almost worse than yesterday. I couldn't place the feeling, didn't know why my mood was so overwhelmingly terrible. I thought Mother's Day was pretty terrible but today seems so much worse. I had my running clothes on, but I just couldn't do it. The temperature was 37 degrees this morning, cold but I have run in much colder temperatures. It was a good excuse to stay in and I was so weak it was all I needed to cave in.

I hopped on the recumbant bike with my Kindle 2 and started to read. My headphones were on and the book was a great distraction. Except that the sad parts made me cry. I was a basket case. My friend Steve finished his workout on the treadmill and came over to the bike, put his arm on my shoulder and wished me a happy belated Mother's Day. I said thank you through many tears. I was out of control. I headed into the locker room and when I hit the shower, I sobbed for 20 minutes straight. I was glad no one shows up to the gym in the morning since I was so out of control.

I slowly got dressed and headed to my desk. I made sure I had my headphones with me because I could not handle hearing about everyone's happy weekend. I didn't understand why my emotions were worse today. Marilyn stopped by to see if I was OK and of course, I was crying again. She understands more than most since her partner's son died last year. She is a seasoned griever of a child. I felt relief that most everyone knew not to ask me about yesterday. They seemed to understand that the answer was going to be pretty awful.

I spent the evening deep in thought, reflecting on the past two days. I realized that today I was crying for me and for my loss. This was another event without the baby, no new milestones, just memories of a minute in time that will effect our eternity. Yesterday we cried for Bailee and her loss, we comforted her, cried with her, did the best we could for her. But today was about my own grief. It was like catching up with the feelings I had yesterday but had to suspend. It was my day to let it out.

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T19:52:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day came and went in the most difficult fashion. It was the most terrible day since the baby died. Bailee called a few days earlier and asked what I was doing Sunday knowing my desire to celebrate any holidays is gone. I told her I would do whatever she wanted to do, no matter what. She just wanted to spend the day with us.

Jeff made blintzes for breakfast, one of her favorite things. I thought I would distract her for the day by canning a batch of jalapeno carrots, another of her favorites so we went to the store early to get the ingredients. Bailee got to the house and instantly started to cry. I could tell that she probably cried on her way over since her face was red and swollen when she walked in the door. So we cried it out together. I gave her the flowers we bought for her then we had breakfast.

We headed to the kitchen where we finished the dishes together and started on the carrots. I got her to peel 5 pounds of carrots while I prepped the canning jars. By the time she finished, I had the jars ready and the onions, garlic, and jalapenos chopped up and ready to go. We used the salad shooter to thin-slice the carrots and started filling the jars. Bailee filled them with all the ingredients, I covered them and started the canning process. This was something she always wanted to learn and then she got the added bonus of taking some jars home with her.

Once we started to boil the jars, Jen, Matt, and Matt's mom Marliyn came over. I offered them a beverage and we sat at the kitchen table while waiting for the jars to finish. Jen brought a lovely gift, one of the foody events that we both enjoy. I can't wait to do this Milwaukee food tour. It is a great gift. Jen also brought her sister a handmade photo album filled with baby photos. It was beautiful, thoughtful and made everyone cry. This day is so hard and so sad.

As we completed all the jars, I moved them out of the way and served some snacks. Jen, Matt, and Marilyn were ready to head out but not before giving us some more cool Harley stuff from work. I got a new rain suit which I really wanted. Just as they were leaving there was someone at the door. It was such a wonderful surprise, Nick came to see me! He gave me a big hug and told me how much he loves his 'second mom'. It was so good to see him and it made me cry. He handed me a plain white envelope and it contained a gift certificate for the Packing House, our favorite place. It was from both Nick and BJ. What a surprise!

Nick stayed for a little while. He worked long hours all week and right through Saturday and he wanted to rest for the remainder of the day. After he left Jeff made Bailee corn on the cob and tenderloin steak. More of her favorites. He just wanted to spoil her as best as possible. So the final thing was a piece of Simma's cheesecake that we got for her at Sendik's earlier in the day.

Around 6pm Bailee packed up her things and headed home. I felt a little relieved that we could help her get through this most difficult day. She said she will probably cry all the way home and that wouldn't really surprise me. She talked about bringing the baby's urn with her today but I am glad she didn't. I think it gives her comfort to have him near, but for me I find it terribly traumatic. Our lives are hard enough so I don't need any encouragement when it comes to pain.

And now the day's over, but I don't feel any better.

I got my Kindle 2

2009-05-05T18:51:00.000-07:00

I got my new Kindle 2. It is the coolest little techy device I ever owned. I couldn't wait to get it, I saved for months by putting away my pool winnings. Between the football pools and other little things, I decided to put that money away until I had enough to buy this. It took quite a while but it was well worth the wait.

Once I placed the order and I knew the Kindle was coming, I went to the Amazon website and started to look for books. I wanted my first purchase to be meaningful. I talked to the CFO at work who has one and I asked for his advice. Before I made the purchase I asked him how he liked it and his opinion was my deciding factor (Sony vs. Kindle). I don't want to make the Bible my first download, that seems a little pretentious. Anyway, his suggestion is to download the Federalist Papers so I do. I also downloaded The Divine Comedy as well.

Getting sample books is a great little feature. I can download the first few chapters of a book for free before deciding if I want to buy it. It's pretty cool so I lined up many samples before I had the Kindle.

The problem I have now is I don't know what to read first so I decided to start with the owner's manual.

Good-bye old friend

2009-04-25T11:54:00.000-07:00

The swimming pool came down today. It was nice to see Jeff getting started so early. Usually I have to push him to get things done. I think the success of this last heart procedure has made a difference in his energy level. By the time I got up, he had all the top rails removed from the pool, half the side rails were off and he was pulling back the wall. As I walked outside to help, he was grumbling about the raindrops that had started to fall. Luckily, it stopped as quickly as it started.

We pulled back the sidewall and continued to work on pulling out the side rails. Jeff dug out the reamining side rails while I pulled up the metal ring that held the floor of the pool. It was a dirty, messy job, but I moved as quickly as possible as the dark clouds moved in. The bottom rails were so rusted, they practically fell apart in my hands. I piled all the parts into neat piles and cleaned up behind Jeff as he worked. The long sidewall was the toughest. It took a lot of effort to lay out the sidewall into one long piece. We tried to roll it up but since it had buckled, it was too hard to do. I suggested that we cut it into pieces so we could just pile it up in the truck and in the end, that's what Jeff did. He got out his metal grinder and sawed right through it so we ended up with four pieces of side wall - much easier to transport.

The sky was getting darker as Jeff pulled the truck into the back yard. He got out, looked up and froze in his tracks. I yelled, 'hurry-up!' I think he was considering halting work until the rain passed but my statement quickly put that thought out of his head. We quickly loaded up the entire pool minus the liner, that was still under some water. We got within half of a block from the city yard thinking we were home free since it still wasn't raining, then we saw the line of cars. Apparently everyone else had the same idea. There had to be 15 cars waiting to show drivers' licenses to get in in front of us. That burst our bubble.

We got to the front of the line rather quickly and it still wasn't raining. We headed to the garbage dump first, and as soon as we started to chuck stuff in, it started to pour. We ran back into the truck to wait it out. After less than 5 minutes, it let up. It was still raining, but not as hard as when it first started so we got back out and finished throwing out the garbage. We drove over to the metal bins, which were really full and started throwing things in. There was plenty to throw in so it took a while and when we were done, the rain stopped.

It was a relief to get the entire job done, and we were back home having breakfast by 10:30.

While basking in the sense of accomplishment, a feeling of sadness set in. Another loss. The pool was a mark of passage into summer. Where lazy Saturday afternoons were spent in the summer sun, refreshed by a dip in the pool. What now? Do we get another one? Do we fill in the big hole in the yard? We're really not sure what the answer is. All I do know is that there's an emptiness here in a place where summer memories were created as our children grew up. Somehow I feel like I can't continue, can't put up another pool. I had dreams of teaching the baby to swim the same way I taught BJ. At 5-months old, I put him in the water. With no baby, I'm not sure I want another pool. As my dream goes, so does the pool. Maybe I will feel differently over the coming weeks as I look at the gaping hole in the back yard, but for now, all I feel is sadness at another loss. Good-bye, my summer friend.

The daily struggle

2009-04-24T19:39:00.000-07:00

Bailee called. The death certificate came today. The cause of death is officially listed as SIDS. It's so hard to think about all these feelings. There is this sense of relief that she did nothing wrong. And there is this deep sadness of all that this piece of paper means. He was real, he was here, and he is gone. It feels so final. A tiny little life summed up on one piece of paper. Bailee is sad.

Jeff attends Compassionate Friends

2009-04-21T22:02:00.000-07:00

Jeff joined Bailee and I at Compassionate Friends tonight. Usually he has a class on Tuesday nights so he can't go but his class was cancelled for tonight. He asked what to expect and I didn't want him to create an opinion based on mine so I told him he would have to see for himself. I did explain that there would be a formal meeting with introductions of the whole group then an informal time where you have the opportunity to connect afterwards.

Personally, I looked forward to meeting the group leader, a woman named Rosemary, since she did not attend the two previous meetings that I went to. The co-leader kept saying 'I wish Rosie was here' throughout those previous meetings so I wondered what kind of wonderful person this was and whether these meetings would get better. I did not get much out of those first two.

We got to the meeting a little late, and luckily there were three chairs together so we could all sit down without making too much of a commotion. Jeff had to stop and pay the funeral lunch bill, it was a little overdue but it was hard to find the time to stop down to the Community Center to get it taken care of. But since we were there for this meeting, he figured he could take the time to get it done.

As we walked in the door, Jeff instantly stopped in his tracks and shook his head - a former co-worker was in attendance. It saddens everyone when new members come, but this first experience for him hit hard since it was someone he knew. This young couple, Chris and Kim had a baby with Trisomy 13. Diagnosed at 20 weeks into her pregnancy, they knew the baby would die within a day of birth. This was especially hard to take since we both knew Chris from doing a two-day MS-Ride together just a few summers ago.

Rosemary introduced herself and it felt like a commercial for her fund-raiser benefit in her daughter's behalf. She went on to say that her group gives the money they raise to a woman undergoing cancer treatment to help her and her family out and what a success it was again this year. This is my take, jaded as it is since I don't really get these meetings. I keep attending though because Bailee wants to go so I will continue to go as long as she wants me to. Each person took a turn introducing themselves then gave a little history on why they were there. Most of these people I met in previous meetings but after the first five people, there was a new couple. They could hardly speak. The mother introduced herself and her husband and went on to say that their 12-year old son was goofing around in his room and accidentally hung himself. I could feel the raw emotion. It was so strong and painful that I wanted to reach out and hug them at that very moment.

So there it was, the reason to attend the meeting. The humanitarian part of me wanted to reach out to them and the selfish part of me felt sudden realization that I had moved past the stage where they were at. It was my first glimpse at this new version of normal. Even though my heart still aches every single day, I have moments where I can breathe and think of doing things I like to do. This couple was in so much pain, and I remembered how that felt. And I noticed for the first time that I wasn't in the place that they were in. It felt a little like some sort of progress. But I felt bad at my discovery at these parent's expense.

One of the things I don't like about these meetings is that most of these people had grown-up sons and daughters that had died, not many people here had lost children so it is hard to relate to them. It's just not the same. So Jeff is fidgeting in his seat. His anxiety is partly from listening to people talk about how their grandchildren have to struggle without their parent, or about how their other children will suffer because as parents, they aren't the same. And partly because he feels he can't get a word in. Another thing that happens at these meetings is there is always someone who wants to do all the talking. I didn't want to tell Jeff that, but he's getting the experience for himself. When he finally does jump in, he feels instantly better.

Jeff did state that he feels like as a man, he has to be there for his wife and daughter through our pain and he doesn't have time to grieve for himself. Earlier during the meeting, the co-leader made a statement about how important it is to take care of yourself first, then you are better equipped to take care of others. She reiterated that message to Jeff. He just needs to remember to take care of himself first. I also reminded him that no matter what, this is something he can't fix, so he shouldn't worry so much about us, we all own our own feelings that he can't change.

So the meeting came to an end, and instantly different people gravitate to each other. Bailee, Chris and Kim sat together, then another couple who had a SIDS baby joined in the conversation. I hung back with Jeff and I told him that this is what I do, I leave Bailee to connect with others in her situation. She says things in conversations that she doesn't say to us, these are the people who understand and the people that she needs. He gets it so he stays out of their conversation as well.

One of our neighbors, Chris attends these meetings, her daughter died from MS at the young age of 30. Chris doesn't like these meetings, she says they concentrate on death and sadness too much and all she wants is to remember her daughter in happier times. I haven't figured out why she comes, I think I might be to connect to Bailee. I understand these meetings to be a way to feel less isolated, to connect with others experiencing the same horror of losing a child. To get understanding, acceptance, and tolerance for the deep and long-term sadness that comes with the territory.

For me, I think I have come to a place where the sadness and pain of loss is still extremely close to the surface but it is not so raw as it was in the beginning. I feel like I am in a dark place and I won't ever come out of it but once in a while a little light comes in. My heart aches when I look at my daughter's sad face. She looks so lost that sometimes I have to look away. I know I can't help her and that just deepends my own pain.

As for Jeff, when I asked him what he thought of the meeting, he said he's not sure yet, he is still processing it all. I do think that we made a connection to Chris and Kim that will last.

The daily struggle

2009-04-17T20:50:00.000-07:00

It's a gorgeous evening and I thought I would sit outside and enjoy the weather. A few glasses of wine, some cheese slices and the view is making me melancholy. Melancholy is not a good idea today. I can hear the laughter of children playing and see people walking on the parkway path. All I can think of is how I will not get to push a baby buggy. I cannot stop the tears.

Taxes are done

2009-04-13T19:40:00.000-07:00

Taxes are filed, I finally finished them. I have never waited this long before. I can hardly get through a day let alone get something as important and daunting as the taxes done. So I am proud of myself. It's like a little victory.

Easter comes and goes

2009-04-12T20:37:00.000-07:00

Easter came and gone without too much hoopla. We went to church and Jeff made breakfast blintzes. Bailee came over and we finished the thank you cards. It's just so hard to do, so emotional, so taxing. But they're done now which is good. No one expected me to create a big dinner so I felt relieved that I didn't have to since I really don't have the energy to celebrate anything. I am just glad this day is over.

Jeff's birthday

2009-04-11T16:29:00.000-07:00

Today is Jeff's birthday. It's tough trying to get through a celebration when it's so hard. I went shopping for a card earlier this week and it took me an hour. The sentimental ones mention the years gone by and great rememberances and hopes for good times. They just didn't fit. I needed a card that said everything is sucky, there's nothing we can do to make it better - so sorry I can't make it all go away. So I headed to the funny ones to get something light hearted without all the emotion tied to those other ones. We're going out to dinner with the kids so it should be a good time just being together. Jeff likes keeping Bailee close to him so it should be good.

The daily struggle

2009-04-09T17:49:00.000-07:00

Easter is coming. My plans are to go to church. That's all. I don't have what it takes to do any other holiday stuff. Usually my sister makes dinner but she is going to take her family to Florida for spring break. And I am not going to do it. I just don't have the energy.

I worry that there will be family expectations but I can hardly cope with the concept of getting through a holiday without the baby. Talk of coloring easter eggs gives me a pain that pierces right through my heart. I don't know how I am going to get through the day.

Plus I have a terrible cold. My body aches, my head hurts, and everything is out of whack. I just want to hide under the covers and sleep through it all.

The daily struggle

2009-04-01T18:33:00.001-07:00

Jeff took me to Sobelman's tonight. He thinks I need a change. He knows I needs something although he doesn't know what will help. You would think he could figure it out by now, nothing can help, no one can help. Nothing. I am comforted from his trying to help. I really did not want to go but I had to let him try. Just like the weekend phone calls - how can you tell someone who is trying to help to stop? You don't really want them to stop but it's still so taxing to go along with it as well. So I went, and it felt good to see him feeling helpful. I have to suck it up.

The daily struggle

2009-03-30T20:06:00.000-07:00

I think I'm having a breakdown. I went to work and started to itch. I haven't been this edgy for a long time. It's palpable, the pain and sadness makes it hard to breathe. I tried to talk to Michelle and I just started to cry. She is so kind and patient. She listens without saying anything. I have never known anyone who listens so intently without commentary, just listening. It is the most wonderful gift. She is the most wonderful gift.

But there's this itching. I have a rash and I itch all over. I am pretty sure it's psychological even though I have physical symptoms. I just don't know how to make it go away. Marie says I should try yoga. I think that was a nice way to agree with my psychological diagnosis. Of course, I think she is right. I will give it serious consideration but I don't think I have the energy to take the initiative to follow through right now. I listen intently to any advice from Marie, she's had similar tragedy in her life so she understands my suffering. I am so grateful that she is so close to me, she makes me comfortable when I am at work.

I just wish I could be lifted from all this pain. I'm really glad I have Michelle or I don't think I could go to work at all.

The daily struggle

2009-03-29T17:50:00.000-07:00

The weekend was weird. Everyone was thinking of us. Between email and phone calls, everyone wants to check up on us to see how we're doing. Although it is sweet and thoughtful, it is emotionally draining every time we answer one of these calls. There's this fine line between telling the truth and telling everyone what they want to hear. The thing is if we tell them the truth, that everything just sucks we risk the connection - maybe they won't call again and we certainly don't want to push people away. On the other hand, if we tell them what they want to hear, it's pretty unbearable to say we're doing OK when we're not. The only good we get out of it is that sense of making everyone else feel better. You can hear the feelings of relief in their voices, they are glad they called. Of course, obviously we answered the latter. The heavy feelings of sadness that blankets us now seems even worse.

The daily struggle

2009-03-28T04:39:00.000-07:00

Bailee and Adam are moving. They knew they couldn't stay where the baby died. There was just too much sadness in the air. The bad memory of that one horrible day outweighed all the other days. She can't even take a shower with her eyes closed because of her last good memories was bathing the baby the night before he died. It just haunts her.

Once the decision was made and the deal was sealed on the new house in Racine, reality set in. And I knew it would come - that feeling of leaving behind all the good memories. Bailee called to tell me that she is moving and I could hear the sadness in her voice. So I asked. How does that make you feel? She said she was afraid that she was leaving some of his spirit behind since this was the place with all the good baby memories. The place where he lived in his short time here. I told her that his spirit and all the love in that house was in her heart and in her memories and she would never be leaving that behind.

Bailee said that Adam calls it's a fresh start. So the planning begins. She spent the next two weeks packing and planning and getting ready for the move. When the time got closer she asked me to keep the baby's urn so she didn't have to worry about this little precious cargo during her move. I told her fine, I would keep the little jar in a safe place until she was ready to have it back. She just didn't want to worry about anything bad happening to it. I think everything bad has already happened. I didn't begin to fathom the effects of the baby's ashes in that little urn and how it would make me feel.

Maybe it wasn't so much the urn, maybe it was Bailee's treatment of it. She dropped it off on Friday night and when she left, she made sure to say good-bye. She talked to the urn like she was talking to the baby. "Good-night, sweet dreams, grandma and grandpa will take good care of you." My heart was breaking all over again. I cry everyday but it's been a while since I cried this hard.

All I can think of is the urn, the sadness, and my poor baby girl clinging to it. Thing's just don't get better.

Gotta backup those photos

2009-03-22T10:34:00.000-07:00

I had a nightmare that I lost all my computer files. This is where I keep all my digital photos so it made me very uneasy. It's been a long time since I made a CD copy of my files. The thought of losing my baby photos forever was so unbearable that I am backing up all my files to DVD right now. Thank you baby for making me do this important thing!

I tried to move forward

2009-03-21T18:12:00.000-07:00

I really tried to move on today. If Jeff wouldn't have mentioned it, I probably wouldn't have even tried. He said it was time to put the swing away. I agreed.

I've been thinking about it for a while now. But when the process of taking the batteries out, getting the box from the garage, going over the instructions so to take it apart properly, just the thought of those many steps felt overwhelming. So every time I considered it, just mentally taking it apart wore me out and so I stopped before I even got started.

But today I took it more seriously because Jeff said it out loud. I would really try this time, and it seemed do-able. Mentioning the swing didn't have a negative emotional effect as it sometimes does so I thought I was ready to pack it up. I picked up the swing and moved it to the foyer so I could vacuum the entire living room. I thought about where I would store the blankets and the little stuffed horse, the dangling toys from the attached mobile, and that was it.

I found myself on my hands and knees on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. Nothing could console me, nothing could stop the terrible pain and grief over putting away the baby's swing. Even the cat was concerned about my horrible wailing. The pain was so palpable I couldn't get up off the floor. I was so distraught, I cried myself to sleep and napped for a good hour.

When I got up I was still out of sorts, so deeply saddened. I felt like I was physically traumatized as much as emotionally. I told Jeff that I was sorry for not completing the task but I just couldn't. He thought that was part of the reason to put it away-it might just ease my sadness-if it wasn't there to remind me as it does. He's right, I'm sure, but it's physically impossible for me to do.

Dear Baby #2

2009-03-19T18:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Baby,

Grandma loves to run outside. This week is the first week that I can do that. I haven't been outside since November and this sure feels good. It's still pretty dark in the morning because of daylight savings time, but it doesn't matter, the moon and stars light my path. The fishermen are on the lakefront, making my run feel familiar. By the end of last years' running season they had familiar faces and we always said good morning to each other.

My run starts at work and I head through downtown to the lakefront. As soon as I take the turn along the lake everything seems to change. The city disappears and all I can see is nature and the heavens. And that's when I think of you. I imagine that you are in heaven watching me trot by. I talk to you like you're in the stars. I have always felt closer to God on my morning runs. And now I feel like I can be closer to you as well. I play music on my iPod while I run but for some reason, when I think of you I can't hear the music anymore, I can only hear you. There have been times when running is hard, like I can't wait to get through it but on the lakefront when I am thinking of you, it goes by so fast that I wish the run wouldn't end. It's a nice feeling to think of you.

I had planned a future running with you. At first with a stroller, then when you were old enough, you could run with me, side-by-side. I had visions of you winning medals as the youngest person to finish a 5K. We would spend Saturdays doing these races in the morning, stopping for breakfast where ever you wanted to go, then, swimming with grandpa in the back yard.

I had your little Nikes all picked out for you. I just realized that no matter what, you will always be runnng with me, forever and ever.

Another Compassionate Friends Meeting

2009-03-17T21:21:00.000-07:00

This was our second time at Compassionate Friends. I'm still not so sure this is something that is a fit for me. At the first session, the group leader could not attend so someone filled in for her. Everyone raved about this woman I never met, and I thought for sure this meeting would be better just because the facilitator with the great reputation would be there. But she wasn't there. So through the meeting the fill-in person repeated many times, I wish Rosie was here, she is better at this. It wasn't instilling any warm feelings for me.

The thing that surprised me was that there were quite a few new people there. Too bad, for them, I thought. I knew some of the new people, there was a neighbor who's daughter died from MS, a member of my church who's son took too many prescription drugs. There was a doctor, a woman who's son drowned, and a young couple who's baby died from SIDS. They only had their baby for a week before he died, I was heartbroken all over again just listening to their story. After the formal meeting they really wanted to connect with Bailee. The amazing thing is that they told her about a SIDS group that meets at Children's Hospital. I think she is going to go and skip coming here.

Compassionate Friends is a place where you can feel safe, feel understood, and get comfort. The thing is that I don't feel understood. I am in a room full of people who have lost sons and daughters. I don't know the devastation of losing a child, I am the grandmother of our lost baby, but I know that most of these people did not lose children. And when I say children, I mean the dictionary's first interpretation of a person under legal age, pre-pubescent, young children. Not grown sons and daughters who had their own style, personality, careers, even children. These people have memories of someone who has grown into their own selves. They have many memories to share and grieve over. We have none of these things, which is why I don't feel understood. The loss of this baby is like nothing I have ever felt before. And I have lost a father too soon, he was 53, a brother too soon, he was 24. I would never discount the terrible loss of these most important people in my life but it paled in raw, emotional suffering compared to this baby. This pain is so great my bones have never hurt like this. And there is no one to relate to, except this new couple that came to the meeting. I was glad that Bailee connected to them.

I gave Bailee as much space as I could. I wanted her to be able to try to find her own purpose to be here. I didn't want to be the reason she came. I reached out to Dick, the man who went to my church, and I think we really connected. I hope I can be of help for him to heal. Although I do understand that healing is not really possible, maybe the better word would be comfort. I am certain we will connect more often at church from now on and I am glad for that.

As we left the meeting we walked out with Chris, our neighbor. She did not like coming to the meeting and she told Bailee why. I stayed out of her conversation with Bailee. They were both the mothers of children lost so I hoped they would find comfort in each other. Chris went on to say that these people come here and re-live their death memories and Chris wanted to remember the good memories during her life instead. She didn't like how these meetings made her feel. Bailee commented that she thought it was a little disturbing that many of these people have been coming for years. She knows she will never be the same, that she will always have a broken heart over this baby but she was pretty sure she didn't want to be doing this for years.

My own personal feelings were somewhat the same. I felt like I did want to be there to share my pain, but I wanted to talk about my pain, not listen to others who have been coming there for years. The co-leader explained that many people who have been coming for years are proof that you can get on with life, not the same life you had before but survival is possible. With all the reliving of the pain of the loss that these people discuss, it doesn't feel at all like they have got on with anything. It feels more like they want to re-live their pain over and over, no time for me to share my pain. Maybe it is selfish of me, but I didn't come to the meeing to be an audience for these people. I wanted help for my grief, to find a way through my pain. The amazing thing is that the best comfort that I got came from Dick, the new member to the group. Maybe we can start our own support group at church.

I really wish Jeff could come to these meetings. I would like to know what his feelings are about them. Maybe they would help him. At least he would be another opinion on whether there is value in attending. I will attend again next month, but I am pretty sure Bailee will not. I still have to see of Rosie is worth the wait.

Must be the full moon

2009-03-13T18:11:00.000-07:00

Work started off crummy today. I don't know how it happened. I know that being in cubicles creates its own problems and I guess I should expect that things can go awry. It all started in the kitchen where I got a glass of water. I noticed there was a consultant, an engineer, and one of the help desk staff all wearing sweatshirts. Even though it is casual jean Friday, I didn't think sweatshirts were allowed.

I went back to my desk and looked up the dress code. My co-worker, Michelle came in, hung up her coat and noticed I had the dress code open on my computer. She asked what I was up to and I told her about being in the kitchen thinking the rules had changed but it turned out, they didn't. People were just not following it. Michelle stated that she thought wearing tennis shoes shouldn't be allowed as well as sweatshirts, but those are allowed on the dress code. I told her I agreed that they should not.

All of a sudden another co-worker starts to shout about how yes, she is in a sweatshirt and tennis shoes and that according to me, she is in voilation. I said not according to me, according to the company but I do think they are gym clothes, not work clothes. After her tantrum, she rants about how she doesn't care because she had a rough week. So I guess it's OK for some people to not follow the rules if they had a rough week. I didn't say that but I was thinking it. I just let it go and ignored the rest of her crap. All I could think of was - is there a full moon? And yes, there is.

Later in the day, the director calls me over to say she heard the conversation and that she wanted me to know that seeing everyone in sweatshirts annoyed her as well and that she will address it with everyone. I was glad for the validation.

Working with the kitties

2009-03-10T20:31:00.000-07:00

Working at Second Hand Purrs was not what I expected. Not that I knew what to expect. When I got there the kitties were running free. They were everywhere. It was pretty cool to see them having the freedom to run about. There were four of us there to volunteer tonight. The way that it works is half the place gets a total scrubbing and the other half gets a light clean-up and then the next day it switches. So every other days, these cats get a fresh and clean place, which is better than the state of my cat's home. I don't wash his blankets more than one a week, if that sometimes.

Our first assignment was to remove all the food and water bowls from all the kennels and dump anything in them out. All the dishes get a sterile cleaning everyday no matter which side the the room they're on. Two of us were assigned to the light clean-up and the other two volunteered to work the scrub down. It should have worked out well because between two people, one can start at one end and one at the other, then you don't bump in to each other while working. There was only one problem with that arrangement. One woman wasn't really there to work.

Each kennel had a litter box, a rug, and a kitty bed with a cover. So after all the food dishes were out, I took out the litter box, the bed, then the rug. I shook out the rug first and put it back, shook out the bed and cover next, then put it back and lastly, I raked out the poo from the litter box, added a little more litter then put it back. If there were kitty toys in the kennel, I took a paper towel and wiped them off and put them in the kennel before I closed the door. It was a good way to mark that I finished the kennel by closing the door. Since all the cats were running loose, it didn't seem to matter to them.

I got through all the kennels in no time. And yes, I did all of them except for the one started by the woman who wasn't really there to work. She was so annoying to me. I don't know why, but I guess I went to the shelter to work with the kitties, not with the people so it was probably my expectation that I would be one with the animals, not one with the other volunteers. This woman never shut up. She was old, overweight, wearing really gross costume rings on all her fingers with lime green half worn off fingernail polish on her fingers. She talked incessantly about how she couldn't bend down and clean the lower kennels because it was too hard on her back, and she couldn't really handle shaking out the rugs and beds because of the arthritis in her hands, and she couldn't reach into the kennels because it was too hard to bend over. She was too thirsty and needed something to drink and they sold soda but she didn't bring any money so they had to get her a glass of water and she couldn't stand for very long so they had to find her a chair and all this time she never shut up. It was torture. All I wanted was to be one with those that can only say meow and I got two hours of incessant, boring, unnecessary chatter about nothing. I was so disappointed. But at the same time I tried not to let it bother me because I was all about the cats.

They sent the lazy one into the kitchen area to dry the bowls after they were sterilized. Still she never shut up. The director, Jane was very nice. We hit it off and she tried to engage me in conversation. I didn't volunteer much but I did talk a little about my kids and my cat. They were gearing up for a rummage sale so I promised to bring some Harley samples that I know I won't wear. They were grateful and I will bring them the clothes on Monday.

We got through the entire place pretty quickly - in less than two hours. Jane was thrilled, yet felt guilty because that meant the cats would have to get back to the kennels earlier than usual. I wondered how they knew which one went in which place. Jane said that they head to their homes as soon as she got out the food. We put the clean bowls back into the kennels and sure enough, they headed home when the food started to get distributed. Jane made it perfectly clear that she needs to distribute the food since some of the cats were on diets, some were on special food for illness, and the rest got the regular stuff. Of course, the old woman who never shut up didn' t hear any of it and decided to feed the cats herself. Too lazy to do what is supposed to get done but willing to do the job she's not supposed to. I just don't get it. So Jane had to remind her that she was the only one to feed the cats in a frustrated tone.

Since we were done working, us volunteers chatted a little and played with the cats. As I was sweeping the floor, I started to feel like crap. I was sneezing, coughing, and itchy. I knew what it was, too many kitties were giving me an allergic reaction. This is so disappointing. How am I supposed to work here if I cannot breathe? Why can't anything go the way I want it to go? Just when I thought I found this thing that made me feel good, I'm not sure I can continue. I said good-bye as I heard the lazy one ask someone to call her a cab. Secretly, I think she was hoping for a ride home. I hate to be mean but I came to work with the cats.

I left feeling pretty good about the work, about the cats and the great care they got. About how nice it was to care for them and to hold and pet them. They seemed to like the attention. I wasn't going to let some freaky woman ruin my experience. Unfortunately by the time I got home, I was really miserable. I had to take allergy meds just to stop the wheezing. This is so depressing but I don't care, I am going back on Monday. It felt too good to give up.

Something just occurred to me...how did the woman have money to pay for a cab but no money for a soda?

The daily struggle

2009-03-09T19:29:00.000-07:00

As I try to get through the day, the more I feel stuck. I don't know what to do with myself but it doesn't really matter since I don't want to move on. Or maybe it's just that I don't know how it's possible. Today I realized that the horrible, raw grief that I felt in the beginning is starting to wane. As if no matter how much salt is poured on the wounds it just can't hurt as badly as before. But that raw pain has been replaced with a deep, deep sadness that weighs so heavy on me that it explains my feelings of being stuck. Sometimes I can hardly breathe. I can't catch my breath. The days all meld into an empty abyss where nothing matters, there's nothing but pain but I got through another day.

Second Hand Purrs

2009-03-07T22:39:00.000-08:00

Today I stopped at Second Hand Purrs which is a no-kill shelter for kitties. I googled rescue shelters quite a while back on a day when I was contemplating the idea of a second cat. The amazing thing was that this shelter popped to the top of the list that is very close to my home. In fact, it's between work and home which makes it a convenient stop. Jeff consistently protests the idea of another cat. He says I pay less attention to him since I got the first one so he is resistant to the idea of a second one. I try to explain that with a second cat, the firs cat would be entertained, less needy and less lonely (hopefully, well maybe).

I've been revisiting the idea lately as a means to fill the emptiness and sadness in my heart. Not that it can really go away but it could be a distraction. So as I perused the website, secondhandpurrs.org . I looked through the available rescuees. I do have my heart set on a Garfield-like kitty, very orange striped but not necessarily fat. Fat cats are too difficult to hold in my arms. They are all so adorable but I really did not want to do something that Jeff doesn't like so I thought maybe I could volunteer my time and bring them donations of the items they desperately needed. But they do have this guy named Orion who is orange but kind of skinny. Since they are only open to the public on Thursday evenings and Saturdays, I picked up some laundry detergent and disinfectant wipes that were on thier list earlier in the week.

I didn't know what to expect on my way over. I was thinking about how these poor animals were tragically dumped off, abandoned, or I imagined various other terrible circumstances that brought them to the shelter. I was pleasantly surprised that the place was cheery and full of life. All these cute little kitties were greeted by visitors who were excited about the prospect of bringing a new family member home. Older couples were carefully viewing their prospects and children were giddy with delight over the idea of getting to take any one of them home.

I was greeted by a volunteer who was thrilled at the sight of the laundry detergent and wipes. I asked if I could look around and she said, of course. I secretly was looking for Orion so I could check him out up close. He was adorable but then they all were. I asked to take him out of his cage. The rule is to use hand sanitizer before picking up a cat, so I was applying it as the volunteer, Ann got him out. There are private rooms to take the cats into so you can spend some quiet time getting to know each other. This little guy was pretty small. My cat weighs 10 pounds and I think Orion was probably 7 and a half at best. He was shy but he warmed up after a while. Funny, how you just know though, that he probably wouldn't be a good fit at my house anyway as any new cat would have to be able to stand up to Toby. I just sensed he wasn't the one.

So I gave him back and continued to look around. Once really comfortable, I asked about volunteering. I was handed a form and I filled it out. I had to circle my available days and I asked if they would call me if they thought I was suitable. I was told, no just please come in on Tuesday evening. Coincidentally, the day I chose as available was the day they desperately needed help. I am really excited that I can look forward to offering some help. And maybe they will help me in return.

Thank you notes

2009-02-23T07:09:00.000-08:00

Thinking about the future is hard. Everything is tempered with this pain in my heart. But I keep telling myself that planning things, getting things done is therapeutic. Of course, I don't know what I am talking about so I just make it up as I go. Anything to take my mind elsewhere cannot be a bad thing, can it? At the very least it keeps me preoccupied with thoughts other than the baby.

So I am thinking about craft fairs, motorcycle trips, and a vacations. I am not sure I have the energy to plan these things but I find it distracting in thinking about planning them.

As for really getting something done today, I am writing more thank you cards. I still have a stack to write so I hope I can get through some of them. It's so emotionally draining to do, so little by little I will get through this next hurdle. I still have flower arrangements that need tending. Bailee wants to dry the flowers and keep them which means I have to take care of it since she is not emotionally equipped to get to it. Whatever I can do to help her I will do.

An amazing thing has been happening. People that I don't even know are sending me wonderful notes of sympathy and encouragement on this blog. I cannot even describe how touching and comforting that is. When over 100 people showed up for the baby's funeral the funeral director said it gave him a renewed faith in humanity. That's exactly what the comments on my blog are doing for me.

If I could add you all to my list of those I have to write thank you notes for, I would.

Dear Baby #1

2009-02-21T18:54:00.000-08:00

Dear Baby,

Today grandpa hung new birdfeeders. One is for the finches and the other is a platform designed for the cardinals. There are 6 total feeders to fill now. Grandpa gets so much joy watching the birds in the backyard. He hoped for you to tag along when he fills the finch feeders with niger, the cardinals get safflower seeds, and the juncos get mixed bird seed. There is also special seed for the woodpeckers and whole corn for the ducks. I just feed peanuts to the squirrels. That way they just might leave the birds alone. It was our hope that you would someday appreciate all that nature give us, the beauty and grace of watching the birds is better than anything on television. It is important that you understand the delicate balance of nature and help do your part to preserve the wildlife. We want to teach you how important it is to do no harm, to cohabitate with the creatures living around us and make them a part of your life. Today it snowed all day so the birds really relied on the seed in the feeders. Grandpa was thrilled when 3 male and 2 female cardinals were in the new platform feeder.

It's been one month

2009-02-21T06:36:00.000-08:00

It was one month ago today that our sweet baby boy died. Every passing mark of time, no matter how insignificant seems magnified. Every Wednesday marks another week without him, and now every 21st will mark another month without him. Since his death, I have not been able to see anything but darkness, no future, nothing but a black hole without any ending. My dreams are the opposite, though. Not black but all white, like being in an airplane, looking out and seeing nothing but clouds. Even the clouds have no end, there is nothing in the future but an endless view of nothing. I feel like I am covered with a heavy blanket of dispair and I am not strong enough to lift it. Not that I want to try.

But this morning I got up feeling fidgety. Like I should be creative. I collected the funeral cards up that have been scattered around the house and put them in one pile. I picked out some of the wilted flowers from the last funeral bouquet. Some of the flowers are drying for Bailee. She wants to keep some from every arrangement she got so I have them in a cardboard container in the dining room. It feels a little like progress.

It's snowing pretty hard this morning. There's a pretty white blanket of snow covering everything and the world looks clean and fresh, like a blank canvas. In my creative mood, I am thinking about how I will spend spring creating a memorial garden for Stephen. I have the location picked out. Maybe I can look forward a little bit.

Facebook

2009-02-20T21:55:00.000-08:00

Jeff is getting on Facebook. He resisted for a long time. But now that he's hooked up, I think he's liking it. He discovered how easily he can stay connected with his children, friends, and family. It's good therapy and a nice distraction for him.